I think I have a serious condition
So Im sure that I have finally convinced myself that I might be suffering from some kind of metal illness. Or I live in somekind of a false reality. Basically I just feel like I'm a ghost almost because I feel like I'm in the bleacher's just watching life pass me by. I always have this weird sucidial situations in my head which i role play. Sometimes the hero or just the pathetic loser who wasnt strong enough to overcome his troubles. The one thing I really hate is just being alone. My life is so lonely. Especially here on my mob/deployment it was almost completely taken over my physical body as it has been mentally exhausting. Last year I experimented with mushrooms and had an incredible experience with life and great understanding, but at the same time I was able to see deep within myself and thoughts which had me begging for my m16 from my friends to kill myself. During that night I had realized that I was sucidical but knew that sucide was not an interest to me, so I had denial-ed the fact that for much of my life I had such thoughts and always feeling depressed. So when nights like this come around I can't help but think about my thoughts I experienced last year were they true? Do I really want to kill myself? I constantly have terrible dreams about death and suffering. Are those the symptoms I feel and I'm trying to express myself subconsciously tell myself that. Well Ive just been rumbling to long...