(no subject)
i want a new ICON! but i dont really feel like doing the work to find one, i just kind of want it to be there. Also, i dont know why i wrote ICON like that, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
It is way to late for me to be writing in this stupid thing, but i feel the need.
Whats new... oh me and my mom got in to yet another blow out argument. I gave her an ultimatum, we need some kind of family counceling (sp). The fact that since ive been back from NC we havent gone one solid week without having some huge fight, actually, hardly a week has passed in living memory without us fighting! Fights mark all the major events of my life with this woman. This is not healthy. So during one of her classic scream fests, I "rudely" interupted her and toldher that if she wanted to have any relationship with me, that she will suck up her pride and go see a councelor. She got all mad, saying I had no right to give her an ultimatum. I told her i certainly did, that I decide who i care about, and I decide where my affection goes. That I was sick and tired of trying to have a relationship with a woman who doesn't seem to want to put in the effort that its gonna take to make it work. She said that we have a perfectly healthy relationship, and that this is just how we are. Sorry, but this isn't how I wanna be. I told her, again, that I am ashamed of how I act when we fight. She said i should be ashamed because I always walk away from the fights. Yeah, cuz its so much more adult to stay and scream ad infinitum. Thanks but no thanks, its the high road for me. We haven't spoken in over a week now. And I mean we haven't shared a single word. After the fight, the next night, she said goodnight as she went to bed. I kept my mouth shut. The next day she came home from work, and apparently the market, with all my favorite foods. She knows the terms of my attention. Sorry, but no more freebies. I explained this to her before, family are like friends God gives you, but that doesnt mean you dont have to work on the relationship, it doesn't mean you can constantly abuse someone's trust, put someone down, just because they're your family. This time, im sticking to my guns. If she doesn't have the testicular fortitude to give this a try, then it's not worth it for me to ever speak to her again.
Also, I want to point out that she has NEVER apologized to me after one of these fights. Not one single time. And when I was younger, these fights often involved alot her hitting, by her, to me. It wasn't until i was in my teens that I ever stood up to her, she raised her hand, and I grabbed it, told her if she ever raised her hand to me again, I'de hit her back. And I meant it to. That was the last time she ever tried to hit me. It was also the only time she ever seemed even remotly apologetic. I asked her when she was gonna say sorry. She told me she had nothing to be sorry about. I too have given up apologizing. It's not that I'm not sorry, I don't feel any sort of pleasure in the act of hurting. Thats what the fights turn into, stabbing each other with words. Like seasoned fencers, we draw our weapons and the game begins. What scares me is i pull fewer punches.Time goes on and i just want to make her bleed inside. She has no such qualms in our fights. She attacks me on every single angle.
The worst use to be when I was younger, and ide come to her with problems. She would be completely supportive and always knew exactly the right thing to say. But apparently, her skill with the spoken work has other uses. I've since learned that showing her my weakness's in the hope that she would support me is a mistake. Oh she'd support me, right until she was unreasonable angry about something again. Then she'd attack, and with her new knowledge, cut me deeper than i could protect.
I remember my senior year, when I broke up with my gf charlene right before prom. (Hey, she was flirting with that kid with the giant head, thats just crossing the line.) Obviously, i was upset about it, I lost my gf, i lost my promdate, and I only had a few weeks. GREAT! I made the mistake of telling my mom. She told me how it was ok, i made the right choice, ide find another date, and even if i didn't, prom would be fun anyway, ide be with my friends and who knows, i just might meet another girl who got ditched and wind up with her right?
yeah right, until about 10 minutes later when she found out I hadn't rented my tux yet. Of course she conviently forgets that its because she didn't take me, on the half dozen occasions that she promised. Suddenly, I can't do anything right, i'm such a loser, i cant even keep a date for prom! aahhh thats right, I told her about my prom dilemma didn't I? Stupid me.
God I hate this house. It's filled with so much sadness and anger. I refuse to be like my mother. I will not be a terrible person. I would sooner kill myself, then subject the world to another lunatic from the Regan / Mullin bloodlines.
on that horrible note, I've been going to drivers ed for a while now. well 3 weeks. It's weird cuz i feel so out of place there. But I want my licensce, and I want to drive, and I want to drive away from here. So, step 1: get license.
My mom wont take me out driving, as a matter of fact thats what started the big fight, because she said I didnt get to decide when we go driving. Apparently, i should have known in advance when she would want to go, and have my boss schedule me at work accordingly. Anyway, enough about that closet hooker, so tomorrow my friend Amanda is gonna take me. I'm a lucky guy, i have friends who will take me out like this.
I can't wait until i have my own car and license. Then the good times will roll again.
~Mark
It is way to late for me to be writing in this stupid thing, but i feel the need.
Whats new... oh me and my mom got in to yet another blow out argument. I gave her an ultimatum, we need some kind of family counceling (sp). The fact that since ive been back from NC we havent gone one solid week without having some huge fight, actually, hardly a week has passed in living memory without us fighting! Fights mark all the major events of my life with this woman. This is not healthy. So during one of her classic scream fests, I "rudely" interupted her and toldher that if she wanted to have any relationship with me, that she will suck up her pride and go see a councelor. She got all mad, saying I had no right to give her an ultimatum. I told her i certainly did, that I decide who i care about, and I decide where my affection goes. That I was sick and tired of trying to have a relationship with a woman who doesn't seem to want to put in the effort that its gonna take to make it work. She said that we have a perfectly healthy relationship, and that this is just how we are. Sorry, but this isn't how I wanna be. I told her, again, that I am ashamed of how I act when we fight. She said i should be ashamed because I always walk away from the fights. Yeah, cuz its so much more adult to stay and scream ad infinitum. Thanks but no thanks, its the high road for me. We haven't spoken in over a week now. And I mean we haven't shared a single word. After the fight, the next night, she said goodnight as she went to bed. I kept my mouth shut. The next day she came home from work, and apparently the market, with all my favorite foods. She knows the terms of my attention. Sorry, but no more freebies. I explained this to her before, family are like friends God gives you, but that doesnt mean you dont have to work on the relationship, it doesn't mean you can constantly abuse someone's trust, put someone down, just because they're your family. This time, im sticking to my guns. If she doesn't have the testicular fortitude to give this a try, then it's not worth it for me to ever speak to her again.
Also, I want to point out that she has NEVER apologized to me after one of these fights. Not one single time. And when I was younger, these fights often involved alot her hitting, by her, to me. It wasn't until i was in my teens that I ever stood up to her, she raised her hand, and I grabbed it, told her if she ever raised her hand to me again, I'de hit her back. And I meant it to. That was the last time she ever tried to hit me. It was also the only time she ever seemed even remotly apologetic. I asked her when she was gonna say sorry. She told me she had nothing to be sorry about. I too have given up apologizing. It's not that I'm not sorry, I don't feel any sort of pleasure in the act of hurting. Thats what the fights turn into, stabbing each other with words. Like seasoned fencers, we draw our weapons and the game begins. What scares me is i pull fewer punches.Time goes on and i just want to make her bleed inside. She has no such qualms in our fights. She attacks me on every single angle.
The worst use to be when I was younger, and ide come to her with problems. She would be completely supportive and always knew exactly the right thing to say. But apparently, her skill with the spoken work has other uses. I've since learned that showing her my weakness's in the hope that she would support me is a mistake. Oh she'd support me, right until she was unreasonable angry about something again. Then she'd attack, and with her new knowledge, cut me deeper than i could protect.
I remember my senior year, when I broke up with my gf charlene right before prom. (Hey, she was flirting with that kid with the giant head, thats just crossing the line.) Obviously, i was upset about it, I lost my gf, i lost my promdate, and I only had a few weeks. GREAT! I made the mistake of telling my mom. She told me how it was ok, i made the right choice, ide find another date, and even if i didn't, prom would be fun anyway, ide be with my friends and who knows, i just might meet another girl who got ditched and wind up with her right?
yeah right, until about 10 minutes later when she found out I hadn't rented my tux yet. Of course she conviently forgets that its because she didn't take me, on the half dozen occasions that she promised. Suddenly, I can't do anything right, i'm such a loser, i cant even keep a date for prom! aahhh thats right, I told her about my prom dilemma didn't I? Stupid me.
God I hate this house. It's filled with so much sadness and anger. I refuse to be like my mother. I will not be a terrible person. I would sooner kill myself, then subject the world to another lunatic from the Regan / Mullin bloodlines.
on that horrible note, I've been going to drivers ed for a while now. well 3 weeks. It's weird cuz i feel so out of place there. But I want my licensce, and I want to drive, and I want to drive away from here. So, step 1: get license.
My mom wont take me out driving, as a matter of fact thats what started the big fight, because she said I didnt get to decide when we go driving. Apparently, i should have known in advance when she would want to go, and have my boss schedule me at work accordingly. Anyway, enough about that closet hooker, so tomorrow my friend Amanda is gonna take me. I'm a lucky guy, i have friends who will take me out like this.
I can't wait until i have my own car and license. Then the good times will roll again.
~Mark