real love...something I've never felt before.
I cried today.
I did not cry because I was sad or hurt. I cried because I have never felt more loved in my entire life. And it clarified for me that this boy was placed in my life by God.
I kissed him the other night. We've kissed a lot in the last few days actually, and most of it was me. I've never been one for kissing, I haven't even really kissed anyone before him. But last night we were out with friends and I felt like there was a "couples" box around us, and I didn't understand. It felt awkward and unreal. I felt kindof gross and skanky. And we kissed, a few times, just pecks, but it didn't feel right. And then My friend, who I love dearly talked to me and she pointed out that we boxed ourselves in. She said, you're a couple...but you can't just be friends. And it made me think. A Lot. A month ago he was one of my best friends. And I still want him to be one of my best friends. I mean my BEST friends. Even if we "break up" I still want to be best friends with him. I want him to be there when I am old, be there when I have kids, be there when I am sad, AND happy. Just be there. As a best friend, not just a boyfriend.
And today I told him, "I think we should hold off on the kissing. Just because you kiss doesn't mean you're in love. I don't want to be one of those obnoxious couples you see at a mall and you wanna yell at them and say "get a room". I want people to see us and say, wow, that is real love. I want that. That is worth waiting for. I love you so much as a person, and I don't want the passion we feel for each other to die, I want it to be real love, and not lust."
And he told me this. And I quote because it was written in a letter so I can read it.
"Before we kissed last night I was thinking I don't want to kiss you every time I see you because you're more to me than that. I believe kissing a lot is an act of lust. I mean, sweet kisses every once and a while can be love, and that's what I want. I want to show you love, and that's why I was hesitant."
I said, "I have a problem with getting in the moment, turning off my brain and following my horomones. I do things sometimes, that are sexual or permiscuous, and I feel hot or special for a night, then I feel dirty, and skanky, and I began to feel worthless. I want to feel real love, patient love. I want to live a Godly life, and have a Godly loving passionate relationship the way God created it to be. But I don't know how."
And he said "You're with someone who doesn't like sexual stuff and I never want you to feel dirty or skanky. I won't let you feel that way and if that means stopping you from kissing me then I will. I won't kiss you anymore. I will wait until we are married. I like kissing you, but I love you for more than just your lips."
I thank God every day for putting him in my life, because I don't think I could find someone better. I love him. This is a boy who has been through so much, and yet he's got so much together. I ask myself so often how I even deserve him. How he could love someone like me. I really believe God put him in my life for the right reason and I know it is dangerous, but I believe that this will last. If we keep it centered around what it should be centered around. I need accountability. From christian friends who will remind me if I'm going off the road of my goals. Not to kiss him or anyone else anymore until my wedding day. Help me.
I cried today. Because I felt so valuable. And so beautiful. And so worth it. And I felt the kind of love that God himself created for us to feel, something this world lacks, and I pray that it will last forever.