for everyone i have ever known
I confess: the ‘you’ may change but I will remain the same
I don’t want to begin these words with the words Im sorry even though I am some of the time but I just think I need to confess a few things before I can move on and be happy with my life:
I confess that my life is as messy as yours and even though I try to make it oddly simplistic it ends up just being odd
I confess that in some ways I still love you and I don’t know why because I cant let myself believe yet that I even know what love is
I confess that you make me the maddest out of anyone I have ever known in my entire life and though that implies that you are the closest to me my hatred for you will always be equal to the love I will ever feel for you
I confess that I don’t even like being guarded and it probably isn’t the healthiest thing for me but it makes me stronger and in some ways it has become a part of how I experience life no matter how unhealthy that may sound
Im starting to realize that if you can once train yourself to be guarded you can also train yourself to be vulnerable and humble and happy
I confess that im scared of ending up alone
I confess that I was mean to you and I meant it I confess that I was unfair to you and I confess that I don’t regret it because in a lot of ways I still hate you for not ending up how I thought you would or you could for me I confess that my hatred is selfish
I confess that I may have chosen you because you were the easy choice that you may exist just to redefine and reinforce the person that I am trying to become and the irony is I confess that im not even sure if this is the person that I want to become.
I confess that I like you a lot and it scares me that I cant define why
I confess that I hate you sometimes and I blame you for the bad parts of myself
I confess that im weaker than you think and stronger than I think
I confess that you scare me and you disappoint me and you let me remember you care when I disappoint you
I confess that I have everything I need to be happy but I refuse to take that chance because it would mean you seeing me vulnerable
I confess that I need you to define parts of me but I am okay with that
I confess that you do need more than music and love to be happy
My resolutions:
I will try to be more humble and less prideful
I promise to be more open
I will try to be more brave and less unwilling to show my true self
I will be happy with myself without the support of others
I will be independent but not emotionally exclusive
I will say im sorry when I am sorry and I will mean it
I will try to listen to the entirety of the song without skipping the ending
I will try to be more understanding but I will not make unnecessary concessions and I will not back down from what I believe in
I will try to be open minded but I will not sacrifice my values to make you happy
I will admit more often that I don’t know exactly what I want all the time
I will tell the truth in times when I usually prefer to lie
I will be honest with myself but still be realistic
I will try not to be a fish in a fishbowl even though I acknowledge that I and you definitely will be
I will try not to speak in extremes especially when im angry
I will still be very vindictive but I will admit that revenge is not necessarily the best strategy for every situation
I will never rule anything out no matter what the situation is
I will listen more to people and tell them what I really think even if it might offend them
I will do more things that I want to do even if no one wants to do them with me
I will let myself be more ambitious because I am interested in learning not because I want to be the best
I will be a better friend to people I like rather than be less of a friend to those I don’t
I will try to hate less but I will not make excuses for you
I will be more honest when I write and think less of the consequences
I will be both more realistic and idealistic
Its just hard to be yourself when you don’t know what that is yet