(no subject)
Friendship has always been a weird thing for me. I've never ever been able to fully trust people, so it's hard when I meet people who truly care and love me, to automatically believe that they will always be there for me. Sometimes it feels better to be alone then to have any "possible regrets." Slowly I have been trying to mold myself into a better person, in search of a happier me, I have come to the conclusion, that inside of me is a very angry and sad person, who tries to be strong and independent. Someone who lives by "I don't need.. nor care for anyone else," when in reality I do, I do need people I can trust and reciprocate love to. Those of you in my life, I might not always show it and I hide behind this tough guy persona, just know that I love you all very much and see all the good you guys do for me, you are never overlooked. I live life not looking forward to tomorrow but asking "will I be alive tomorrow?" It's just easier that way sometimes, no expectations, no high hopes, no let downs,that's just how I am. The last few weeks,perhaps months, have been rather hectic in this fiasco named my life. I haven't had a good night sleep in forever, and all I seem to have a constant memory of,is holding alcoholic drink,loosing my ability to think clearly and remember details, facts & conclusions. Life is just not worth living like that. I just hope one day the dark rings under my eyes become light again so I may have the energy and clarity of thought to see the world around me in the light it deserves to be seen.