Is This Another Case of Self-Isolation?
As the title says I had a thought this morning. I'm unsure if I'm depressed or just withdrawing. I'm aware they can go hand-in-hand. I've done it before. I'm lonely but only in specific situations. I'm sure if I lived alone, I'd probably be less lonely. I'd have my own schedule and do things as and when I want them. Instead I have a partner who is busy with work a lot. And that's okay! But then he comes home and will record a podcast with his friends, steam video games with his friends, play D&D with his friends. Usually I sit on the couch and watch stuff that only I am interested in (gotta save the other stuff for when he makes time for me) or I play video games that only I want to play (the other games are ones I want to watch him play usually since I struggle at video games sadly).
I've been invited in the past to D&D games but these games keep growing in size. The one game he is in almost weekly now went from 4 players to I think 7 players. One of the two games we're in together has 6 people at the table and it's online. It's sometimes hard to get a word in. It's difficult to always pay attention. I can't imagine joining a 7 person, online only game. No thank you. We're in another game with some of my friends and in person that is fun but one player steam rolls us in conversations and it gets hard to get him back on the tracks. The pandemic and working from home has made socializing difficult and I have definitely regressed from my modeling days where I learned how to be outgoing. I learned how to have conversations and what was decent social etiquette. Now I'm just a rabid badger.
I have two point five friends. Maybe. On a good day. If anyone wants to think about me at all. I have my game night once a week (supposedly, if the one guy would stop making other plans). I look forward to it. We nerd out. We play new and old games. I think we have fun? I do. I hope they do too. But we have had two people leave our table for personal reasons. We never did fill the fourth spot again and I think we all gave up trying to.
I got off-track myself it seems. The loneliness. When I know I'm pretty good at doing my own thing. I can entertain myself. I've been doing it since birth (hell yeah only child status). But it's times when my partner is home and he chooses to do other things without me. I get sad. I feel slighted. He always talks about wanting to decompress and do things and I would even be happy doing those separate things in the same room. Our house isn't really set up for that. Then he takes 1+ hour long showers and I'm isolated further because now I have no idea when he'll come out. I don't want to dive too deeply into something only I'm interested in and have to stop 5 minutes later because he came out of the bathroom.
I don't know. This post sounds as whiny as I feel. I guess I just wanted to vent a little. Flex some writing muscles. I tried writing a bit of my one story earlier this week. I mostly edited what I had to get an idea of where I left off and to see if it jogged my memory of what I wanted to do. The answer was no, it really didn't.