incense and peppermints.
im sick of this fluctuation of emotions. and this overwhelming feeling of needing to leave...just to get the hell out of here. tangibly and figurativly leaving this behind...
this state of maine;.
this state of mind.
today...yesterday...lately...i have that desperate false need to:
"re-invent"
because thats exactly what it is when you leave a stagnant place, "re-invent." we get to start over over, and with that comes a new opportunity to create who we want to be. its hard to admit all our lives are is our best attempt at creating an unattainable image of who we would we like to be. every time we move around...we get a new shot at trying to design ourselves.
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also, i feel sorry for my generation sometimes. we are so disillusioned. the problem is we have this uncanny to need to know the secrets behind things. ::why shes beautiful, hows he become so successful, what corporations are more corporate than the most corporate ones...:: but, we dont know what to do with this knowledge. we are too lazy...or too depressed, drugged up, or hypnotized to go anywhere with our fountains of truths. we knock down every idol weve every had (families, celebrities, jesus...) by finding their imperfections and making them just as fucked up as we are. but it doesnt make us better not to have role models. weve just become pessimistic. okay. we hate our government. we even know why we hate it. we just will never have the capability to (a) learn how to change it for the better, or (b) be able to leave it behind us and still be happy with our lives.
------break------
on a more personal note:
i just dont want to feel expendable anymore. I want to know why its happening, how i can fix, and how to talk to him about it. the only thing i can do is just stand in the same spot and make myself available to him, because hes hold all the cards. its just, im standing here watching him walk farther and farther out of my life. and i cant stand here...static and immobile forever. im trying to be patient, and not come across as too selfish...but ive never been a fan of standing in one spot for too long. the problem is...i want to move, i just dont have a direction to go in anymore.
i want nick to miss me as much as i miss him.
but mostly:
"i would like to perfect the art of being studiously aloof"
------break------
this state of maine;.
this state of mind.
today...yesterday...lately...i have that desperate false need to:
"re-invent"
because thats exactly what it is when you leave a stagnant place, "re-invent." we get to start over over, and with that comes a new opportunity to create who we want to be. its hard to admit all our lives are is our best attempt at creating an unattainable image of who we would we like to be. every time we move around...we get a new shot at trying to design ourselves.
------break------
also, i feel sorry for my generation sometimes. we are so disillusioned. the problem is we have this uncanny to need to know the secrets behind things. ::why shes beautiful, hows he become so successful, what corporations are more corporate than the most corporate ones...:: but, we dont know what to do with this knowledge. we are too lazy...or too depressed, drugged up, or hypnotized to go anywhere with our fountains of truths. we knock down every idol weve every had (families, celebrities, jesus...) by finding their imperfections and making them just as fucked up as we are. but it doesnt make us better not to have role models. weve just become pessimistic. okay. we hate our government. we even know why we hate it. we just will never have the capability to (a) learn how to change it for the better, or (b) be able to leave it behind us and still be happy with our lives.
------break------
on a more personal note:
i just dont want to feel expendable anymore. I want to know why its happening, how i can fix, and how to talk to him about it. the only thing i can do is just stand in the same spot and make myself available to him, because hes hold all the cards. its just, im standing here watching him walk farther and farther out of my life. and i cant stand here...static and immobile forever. im trying to be patient, and not come across as too selfish...but ive never been a fan of standing in one spot for too long. the problem is...i want to move, i just dont have a direction to go in anymore.
i want nick to miss me as much as i miss him.
but mostly:
"i would like to perfect the art of being studiously aloof"
------break------