[Drabbles] Ichimen Sex Ed
Ichimen Sex Ed: Or Sho Teaches His Kouhai a Valuable Lesson
Shige frowned as he walked into the NEWS dressing room, a little confused by what he was seeing. Instead of walking in to see his bandmates doing their usual-- eating, bitching, admiring their own reflection, studying and tidying up after everyone else, respectively-- he was greeted by the sight of them all seated in a line in the middle of the room, staring puzzledly at the screen now set up at the front of the room.
"Uh... morning?" Shige frowned as he walked up to the line of chairs and gave his bandmates a questioning look.
"Good Morning, Shige!" Koyama piped, smiling brightly at his friend as he patted the empty seat next to him. "I saved you a seat!"
"Thanks," Shige murmured as he took it and sat his bag at his feet, still thoroughly confused. He motioned to the projector and the chairs with a slightly wary look. "So, what exactly is all this?"
Ryo snorted, his arms crossed over his chest as he slumped in his chair sullenly. "A complete waste of time. You can thank Akanishi for it later. Apparently being stupid isn't enough but he has to go and brag about it."
Shige furrowed his brows, the mention of Akanishi's name making the whole situation seem that much more ominous. Luckily, his train of thought was cut off by the sound of the door opening and closing behind them and the soft echo of footsteps across the floor. Shige and his bandmates (save Ryo, who was too busy acting put upon) turned almost as one to glance at the newcomer, their eyes widening when they saw who it was.
"Oh, Sakurai-kun!" Tegoshi exclaimed and flashed his brightest smile, causing Sho to stumble a little as he took his place in front of the projector screen.
Something that sounded distinctly like a snort came from Ryo's direction but Shige chose to ignore it as he watched Sho straighten his suit, unable for the life of him to figure out why the older man would be here. Not that he minded-- afterall, Shige couldn't help but admire someone who was so smart and capable and just plain cool. He was just a little worried that his bandmates were going to, well, be themselves and do something to embarrass themselves and, most of all, him.
He also couldn't help remembering that this had something to do with Akanishi and that could never, ever be a good sign.
"Good Morning," Sho chimed as he lifted his head, finally satisfied that his suit was in proper order, and flashed them all a (in Shige's opinion) cool smile.
"Good Morning," they all (even Ryo, although his was considerably grudging) chimed back in unison.
"I know you're all probably wondering why you're here today," Sho started, reaching one hand into his pocket as he spoke.
"Breakfast?" Massu asked, his voice decidedly hopeful.
"Er... no," Sho mumbled, looking decidedly apologetic as Tegoshi patted Massu on the back and Koyama pulled some melon pan out of his bag and handed it over.
"So, what are we here for?" Shige asked, trying his best to sound diligent and thoroughly interested to make up for his bandmates' lack of manners and respect for their obviously talented sempai.
Sho smiled weakly and tore his eyes away from Massu and his melon pan and made a motion with one hand. The lights magically went out and the projector screen lit up with a series of mysterious looking charts and graphs, causing all of them (even Shige) to cock their heads to the side in confusion.
Shige was still trying to puzzle out their meaning when Sho tapped the screen with a pointer that had seemingly appeared out of thin air, his expression gone serious as he stared the NEWS members down one by one. "Today we're going to talk about why it is never a good idea to place foreign objects into any of your bodily orifices."
There was a pause while Sho let the words sink in, his pointer poised in mid-air while NEWS all blinked at him in varying degrees of confusion, dismay and disgust.
"I knew this was Akanishi's fault," Ryo groaned. The rest of NEWS could do nothing but nod in agreement, while Shige secretly prayed that there wouldn't be time for questions later.
Ichimen Sex Ed Returns: Or How Sho Saved the Day
"I don't think this is a good idea." Maru glanced over his shoulder at Yoko and Subaru, his eyes wide with poorly disguised horror as he watched them pulling a banana, a cumcumber and a slinky out of Yoko's bag.
"Oh, come on, Maru... don't be a spoil sport," Yoko laughed as Subaru pulled a curling iron out of the bag with a rather manic gleam in his eyes.
"Yeah, Maru-chan. Don't you trust your fellow rangers to always do what's best for you?"
Maru opened his mouth and then shut it, deciding silence was probably better than an honest answer in this situation. He felt his mouth go dry as he watched Subaru fiddling with the curling iron.
"Yeah, just trust us, Maru-chan!" Yoko echoed, giving Maru his most innocent smile as he pushed the other forward until he was bent over their dressing table.
"Wait!" Maru nearly shrieked, his eyes impossibly wide as he watched Subaru approach. "You didn't say anything about a curling iron!"
Subaru rolled his eyes and started to explain in the same tone you'd take with an unruly 3 year old. "If we'd said something that would ruin the surprise, Maru-chan. Besides, it's not like we're going to plug it in."
"Yeah, we're not stupid." Yoko added as he reached out to pat Maru on the head with one hand, the other fumbling for the other's pants.
Maru whimpered and buried his face against the dressing table, wondering how on Earth he'd gotten into this mess. When Yoko and Subaru had said they wanted to try out some new material on him he hadn't thought they'd actually meant they wanted to try out new material on him.
"I think we should start with the banana and work our way up, ne. Afterall, it's soft."
"Hm... yeah. We can save the baseball bat for last."
"Baseball bat?!?" Maru screeched, turning around just in time to see the door open and a very grim faced Sakurai Sho walk through, a pointer clutched in one hand and a stack of charts in the other.
Yoko, Subaru and Maru all froze, giving Sho a puzzled look.
Sho stared from one to the other, trying his best to hide his nervousness as Subaru flashed him a maniacal smile and waved at him with the curling iron. "Ah...looks like I got here just in time."
Ichimen Sex Ed the Third: Or Why We Should All Pity Nakamaru
When Jin waddled into the dressing room, mumbling to himself and looking decidedly in pain, Nakamaru knew it wasn't going to be a good day. The last time Jin had worn that expression and walked like he'd accidentaly sat on a lawn dart, it had lead to a trip to the ER and a series of lectures by Sakurai-kun as to why it is not a good idea to stick foreign objects into your body for sexual purposes (or ever).
Nakamaru put the book he was reading down with a sigh and called to his bandmate across the room, halfway hoping the other wouldn't answer, or that Kame would handle things from here. "You okay, Jin?"
"No," Jin answered, shaking his head as he sat down in an empty chair, legs still spread wide as he squirmed around on the seat.
Nakamaru's face fell as his bandmates one by one mumbled their excuses and made a hasty retreat out the door. He took a deep breath and looked at Jin's face, wishing he could think of a good excuse to leave. Unfortunately for him he'd never been good at lying.
Taking a deep breath, Maru resigned himself to his fate and asked Jin the one question that he really, really didn't want to know the answer to, "What's wrong?"
Jin mumbled an inaudible response and shifted restlessly in his chair, his face scrunched up in obvious discomfort.
"What did you let someone put up there this time?" Nakamaru asked, the sigh evident in his voice.
"Nothing!" Jin shot back, giving Nakamaru his best 'I-am-a-sex-god-how-dare-you-question-me' face. "I don't know about you but I don't let people put things inside of me that weren't meant to be there. It's unsanitary and dangerous."
Nakamaru rolled his eyes and fought the urge to point out that a few short months ago Jin's opinion had been vastly different and they had the hospital paperwork (and pictures of Jin bent over a table with his ass hanging out of a hospital gown saved on Koki's phone) to prove it. "Right. So what's the problem, then?"
"I told you," Jin answered, glaring at the other as he crossed his arms over his chest and shifted more in his seat.
"But I didn't hear you," Maru pointed out, his patience quickly wearing thin. Maybe it was best if he just went and got Yamashita from the NEWS dressing room or, better yet, Nishikido. Jin almost deserved a Nishikido tongue lashing for being such a baby about this when Maru was (however much against his wishes) just trying to be a good groupmate and help.
"I HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD RASH ON MY DICK AND IT WON'T STOP ITCHING AND I THINK IT MIGHT FALL OFF, OKAY?"
Nakamaru blinked and reached up quickly to cover his mouth with one hand,effectively smothering the giggles he could feel welling up inside of him. He was almost sorry the rest of the group had left and missed this-- even if Jin looked like he was ready to kill him. "H-have you seen a doctor yet?"
"Of course not," Jin rolled his eyes and gave Maru a look that clearly said he thought the other was cracked to suggest it. "If I go to the Doctor they'll want to cut it off or something, and I don't have the hips to pull off being a good woman."
"Uh... right." Maru stared for a moment, not quite sure what to say to that. He really wasn't good at dealing with Akanishi logic at the best of times, and right now he was putting all of his effort into trying not to laugh. Clearly Jin had some sort of-- something, most likely an STD-- and he needed to see a doctor about it, but Jin never listened to Maru and the other highly doubted he'd start now.
There was only one option left then, really. "Maybe you should, uh... ask Yamapi. He'll know what to do, right?"
Jin brightened at the suggestion and sat up straight in his chair and gave a firm nod. "Pi... why didn't I think of that. He's a doctor, afterall!"
Maru opened his mouth to argue that Yamahita was not, in fact, a doctor, but decided whatever got Jin out of the room and hopefully (eventually) to a doctor was best at this point. "Yeah. Go ask him."
Jin was smiling to himself as he stood and started to waddle his way across the room and opened the door, nearly clobbering the rest of their groupmates where they stood pressed against it listening. Jin just 'hmphed' and gave them all a superior look as he waddled his way into the hallway.
Maru let out a sigh of relief as Jin disappeared and gave the rest of his bandmates a dirty look as they filtered back into the room. "If any of you tell Sakurai about this I'll kill you. I really don't want a two hour lecture on the virtues of safe sex."
"Funny, you would have thought that would have come before 'why putting foreign objects in bodily orifices is bad'," Ueda mused as they all sat down, save Kame who was too busy giving the entire room a look of disgust as if he was hoping that Akanishi could sense his disapproval from across the building.
"I wouldn't sit there," Maru mumbled, causing Koki to freeze in mid-air above Jin's recently vacated chair. "We don't know what he has or how contagious it is. By the way, you all owe me lunch."
Omake:
"Ne, Massu, I don't think you're supposed to eat your banana," Tegoshi piped, a serene smile on his face as he held his own banana firmly with one hand and expertly slid a bright pink condom onto it with the other (without looking).
Massu looked down at his half-eaten banana, his face falling a little. "Really?"
Koyama smiled at them both and handed his banana to Massu, winning him a bright smile from the younger boy. After a moment's thought he took his unopened condom and pushed it toward Yamapi as discretely as possible. He had faith in their leader, but you just never could be too safe.
Pi, meanwhile, was too busy pursing his lips and shifting his eyes from his banana, to Ryo's crotch and back to the banana, clearly lost in deep thought.
"Fucking Akanishi," Ryo hissed, reaching over to swipe Yamapi's condom and wondering what in the hell he had done to deserve this. He opened it and shot it rubberband style into Shige's hair in an effort to make himself feel better about this complete and utter waste of his valuable time.
Shige gave Ryo a dirty look and reached up to remove the condom, blushing faintly as he glanced across the room at Sakurai, only just managing to disguise his own horror at his bandmates' behaviour. It was days like this that he thought maybe Kusano and Uchi had been the lucky ones.