(no subject)
as yet another relationship comes to and end, or had already come to an end, and as the after effects trickle out, I can't help but notice that i have, yet again, turned out to be the asshole.
As i start to notice a rather distinct pattern, I wonder if i only think I'm a nice guy because that's what most people think of themselves, but I'm really an inconsiderate selfish asshole. Sometimes i can't even see the shit that I'm being accused of doing until the accusation's are made, if that makes any sense to anyone at all.
I'm wondering if I really know anything about all this relationship stuff at all, and If i'm really cracked up to be in one, Maybe this is just the wrong time of my life. Maybe I need to really be in a more stable place work wise to be ready to tackle someone else
or maybe the right guy hasn't come along yet.
or maybe he has and i'm holding out for us to figure our shit out and make it finally work
or maybe i just have f'in idea who the right guy is and wouldn't know if it/he was standing naked right in front of me.
This situation has made me also realize something else about myself. I don't really have that person in my life right now who you can just talk to about anything, Thanks to my super human skills of not keeping in touch with people and letting strong relationships die out or dwindle, I don't really have that best friend character in my life. I have lots of good friends, and lots of people i care about...but am just missing that one person.
This semester's going to be a hard one, because above all the sappy self-realizations above, and all the self-analyzing that comes from such things, the pressures of "Who do I want to be, What do i want to be, and where do I want to be doing it" will be setting in.
I've pretty much already checked out of school, so the pressure there is pretty low as far as i'm concerned. The question just is....whats next?
I know at least some of the "whats not next" answers, which i guess is half the battle. Those things include a full time teaching job, because who want's a teacher in college straight out of grad school with out any profession experience?
They also include working at CSPAC in any capacity. It's for some people and that's fine. But it's not for me i don't think, nor do i think it would be a healthy or productive step forward.
I say that knowing that the chances are medium that some job will open up in the next 6 months there, and i'll send my application in.
cause it's job security.
well that's just about enough whinning for 8am on a sunday morning.
As i start to notice a rather distinct pattern, I wonder if i only think I'm a nice guy because that's what most people think of themselves, but I'm really an inconsiderate selfish asshole. Sometimes i can't even see the shit that I'm being accused of doing until the accusation's are made, if that makes any sense to anyone at all.
I'm wondering if I really know anything about all this relationship stuff at all, and If i'm really cracked up to be in one, Maybe this is just the wrong time of my life. Maybe I need to really be in a more stable place work wise to be ready to tackle someone else
or maybe the right guy hasn't come along yet.
or maybe he has and i'm holding out for us to figure our shit out and make it finally work
or maybe i just have f'in idea who the right guy is and wouldn't know if it/he was standing naked right in front of me.
This situation has made me also realize something else about myself. I don't really have that person in my life right now who you can just talk to about anything, Thanks to my super human skills of not keeping in touch with people and letting strong relationships die out or dwindle, I don't really have that best friend character in my life. I have lots of good friends, and lots of people i care about...but am just missing that one person.
This semester's going to be a hard one, because above all the sappy self-realizations above, and all the self-analyzing that comes from such things, the pressures of "Who do I want to be, What do i want to be, and where do I want to be doing it" will be setting in.
I've pretty much already checked out of school, so the pressure there is pretty low as far as i'm concerned. The question just is....whats next?
I know at least some of the "whats not next" answers, which i guess is half the battle. Those things include a full time teaching job, because who want's a teacher in college straight out of grad school with out any profession experience?
They also include working at CSPAC in any capacity. It's for some people and that's fine. But it's not for me i don't think, nor do i think it would be a healthy or productive step forward.
I say that knowing that the chances are medium that some job will open up in the next 6 months there, and i'll send my application in.
cause it's job security.
well that's just about enough whinning for 8am on a sunday morning.