First fic: Falling Apart by neyah444 (Sam/Gene) Green Cortina
They were sitting at the Railway Arms, both squeezing a half empty mug of beer in their hands. They were rather pissed, and tried to think of something to say. Gene had a very bad day, and though Sam had no clue what had happened, he invited Gene for a drink. He was trying to cheer him up, but it became clear very soon, that this was an extremely bad day, and he was sitting on a bomb that was about to explode, so Sam decided he wouldn't push his luck. Silence with Gene was better than the silence alone in his flat. Everyone else had left the pub long ago, and Nelson watched them impatiently, clearing his throat. Gene caught the signal and turned to Sam.
"Get your coat. I'll take you home." And with this he sent the rest of his beer down in one gulp.
They stepped out of the pub, breathing in the cool, fresh air.
"You shouldn't drive, Guv."
"Shut it and get in!"
"Honestly, you feel the right to drive pissed, 'cause you think you're the law, and no one will arrest you for it." Sam said, chuckling silently.
It was meant to be a joke, and Sam wasn't prepared for the violent reaction it started. He felt two strong hands grabbing him and throwing him into the darkness of the nearest alley. The cold brick wall hit his head. He struggled to get up cursing, and checked his head for blood. Then he saw his Guv almost running towards him, like a wild animal.
Gene grabbed Sam's collar, lifting him, forcing him to stand on tiptoe, his feet desperately trying to hold on to the ground.
"Because you're so much better, aren't you, DI Tyler?" Gene hissed his voice bitter and sarcastic. "You're always bloody right, and even the sun is shining from your arse! You and your 'Hyde' ways are just slightly getting on my nerves." He breathed in slowly, the anger rising in him, he pushed Sam deeper into the brick wall. "I'm not a child, Tyler! I was a copper when you were still battling with acne, and your biggest dream was the blond girl-next-door's tits. I've had my share of policing, I don't need you barking about procedure from your moral high horse."
Gene finally ran out of air, but he was still holding Sam, never for one moment breaking the eye-contact. For the first time in his life, Sam remained silent, just looking into his superior's face. He expected him to throw him to the opposite wall, to kick the shit out of him, but this was far worse than anything else. Sam was never afraid of a good fist fight, but had always been terrified of words. Somewhere deep within, he had always known that this moment would come, when Gene would be pissed enough.
He was scared that the moment of truth had finally come, and he couldn't do anything to avoid it. They had never spoken of that day, the day when Sam had been lost in that dark tunnel with Frank Morgan, and though he’d chosen to return, the fact was still a fact: he’d let them down. Forgiveness had come so easily he had thought he could have changed the facts. In his dreams he liked to think that, if this was all a trick of his comatose mind, he could manipulate its reality… make things undone. Now he was scared that this pleasuring illusion would break.
Gene's eyes were clouded with anger. "You may be brighter than the rest of the team together Mr. Sam Almighty Tyler, but at least when I look into their eyes I see deep loyalty. How can I see that in a traitor's eyes?" The last sentence was nearly a whisper, but to Sam it was so loud, he could almost feel his head ripped in two. It sounded so rude and unfair, and he felt angry. Not with Gene, but with himself, because even if it was rude, he knew exactly that every word was true. The illusion was broken. He was a traitor in his Guv's eyes and no matter what he would do in the future, this wouldn't change. Ever.
Gene chewed on his own words for seconds, and realised that this had come out more offensive than he had wanted it, and saw the hurt in Sam's eyes. But he was not going to apologize! He exposed his deepest feelings and he wasn't going to apologize for it. He relaxed on Sam's hold, allowed him to stand fully on the ground, and bowed his head. That was his way of apology.
"So that's what you think of me!" Sam whispered mainly to himself. He didn't want to push it, but he had to ask. He had to know. "How can you still work with me?" His eyes filled with the tears he was unable to fight back.
"I don't know! I trusted you with my life, and even after you betrayed us, I never stopped trusting in you." Gene took a deep breath and looked away. "Life was easy before you came around. My world is very small, just me and my team." He faced Sam, and looked deeply into his teary eyes. "I need to trust in my team, without that I would drown, I can't breath without it. You betrayed that trust, and still when I look into those bright, honest eyes of yours, I cannot help believing in you, though a little voice in the back of my mind continually tells me I shouldn't." For a long moment he tried to read Sam's face, but he found nothing but sorrow, not one movement to defend himself. Gene turned to walk back to the car when Sam grabbed his wrist with both hands.
"Gene... I..." Gene stared at the hands clinging desperately to him, then lift his gaze to Sam's face.
Suddenly all the alcohol that had been running through their veins seemed to disappear. They stood there, as sober as possible, facing each other, both waiting for something.
Time stood still, as if it was watching them unwillingly to pass.
Sam wanted to say that he was sorry, that it had been just a terrible mistake which was never going to happen again. He wanted to promise everything in the world, he would have done anything just to gain that trust, to deserve to be loved. But he was speechless, the words didn't come to his mouth, they were trapped somewhere in his mind. The only world he felt alive in was about to fall to pieces, and he couldn't do anything but watch it happen. His world... Gene was his world! The thought made him shiver. He had built his imaginary world around the man standing in front of him, and the realisation was scary enough.
He tried to persuade himself that he had come back for Annie, but that wasn't true. Annie was a nice girl, a very good friend and he cared for her deeply, but in those lonely moments when he was lying in his bed in the still of the night he had to admit to himself that something was missing. His heart just didn’t belong to her, no matter how hard he tried to feel otherwise. He could lie to her, but he couldn't lie to himself. His deepest feelings and passion was spared for a man, and he couldn't fight against it. He felt such deep love and loyalty he knew he could never feel for a woman, and it scared him.
The minutes felt like hours, and they just stood there, gazing upon each other, trying to find out what to do then. Sam's vision blurred, he couldn't see Gene's eyes through his tears anymore. He knew that if there was a moment of truth then that was it. If there was a moment when he could take his chances and express his most hidden feelings for Gene then that was that exact moment. If he couldn’t bring himself to kiss him, he wouldn't ever get a second chance, yet he just stood there motionless. Gene thought he's a traitor, and if he had kissed him then he would have not only risked his physical health but he would have surely called him a poof.
There's no love without trust.
In that world he had no one but Gene, nothing but his job, and the thought of facing him day after day pretending that he felt only loyalty and friendship was unbearable. If Gene couldn't offer more than his friendship, life there would be only endless pain. He wouldn't be able to bear seeing every day what he couldn't ever have.
Gene was waiting though he knew that Sam wouldn't say anything. Sam was still holding his wrist, and he didn't pull away albeit he started to feel uncomfortably. He wanted to turn away before his tears started flowing uncontrollably. He silently prayed for this to end this way or that. His heart was racing almost on the edge of a heart attack. Then he saw Sam's tears running down on his cheeks, making his face and neck wet. His lips were shining and Gene suddenly felt the taste of those sweet and salty lips in his mouth. The illusion was more than tempting but he wouldn't take that step. The unspoken words crowded them like ghosts.
Sam's eyes begged for a little trace of encouragement in Gene's glance but he couldn't see any, so he was just tried savouring the moment, and wished it would never end. He slowly released Gene's wrist, his hands kissing and caressing every inch of skin he could touch in the process.
Gene watched their hands part and lifted his gaze once more to Sam's eyes, then turned, and walked away with a heavy weight on his heart, yet somehow relieved.
Sam stood there unable to move. Those unspoken words that whirled inside his head slowly left his mind and shattered around him. The moment and his heart were broken.
Gene headed to his car. He rested his whole weight on the bonnet of the Cortina, deeply buried in his thoughts, thinking about the things he could never have. He couldn't bring himself to kiss those wet, shiny lips he wanted so much, he couldn't bring himself to take that step, to cross that line. Perhaps it was better that way. That would have ruined their lives and everything around them. Yes, those were the lips he could never have, he should never have, no matter how strong the temptation was.
He was finally glad that Sam hadn't taken that step either, that would have been the point of no return. He had the distant feeling that Sam might have the same feelings for him, but that would have been impossible, wouldn't it? He fancied Annie, everyone knew that. He would never know for sure though, and that would be the best for everyone. Some things are just better left unsaid. In real life there are no 'happily ever afters'.
He was glad that Sam didn't follow him immediately to the car, so he couldn't see the tears running down on his Guv's cheeks. Gene wouldn't have wanted him to see him cry. No one should have seen him so vulnerable.
Minutes had passed as he was waiting at the car, and he started to wander, where Sam was. He walked back to the alley to find that Sam was gone. He went back to the pub, but it was already closed, no trace of Sam. Perhaps he walked home alone, Gene thought, and he was relieved he didn't have to face him again that night. They were pissed, and he hoped, that that little scene would be forgotten by tomorrow morning.
The next day when Gene walked into CID he saw dark and confused faces. He went into his office and saw a paper on his desk. He stood there horrified as the words on it started to become clear to him. It was DI Sam Tyler's resignation. He collapsed into his chair and covered his mouth with his hand. On the table there was a little piece of paper, only two words written on it with Sam's handwriting.
'Release me.'
Gene couldn't control himself anymore, and he didn't care who will hear him crying. The pain blocked out everything else, even his pride. He cried out loud as if he would want the world to tear apart.
"Get your coat. I'll take you home." And with this he sent the rest of his beer down in one gulp.
They stepped out of the pub, breathing in the cool, fresh air.
"You shouldn't drive, Guv."
"Shut it and get in!"
"Honestly, you feel the right to drive pissed, 'cause you think you're the law, and no one will arrest you for it." Sam said, chuckling silently.
It was meant to be a joke, and Sam wasn't prepared for the violent reaction it started. He felt two strong hands grabbing him and throwing him into the darkness of the nearest alley. The cold brick wall hit his head. He struggled to get up cursing, and checked his head for blood. Then he saw his Guv almost running towards him, like a wild animal.
Gene grabbed Sam's collar, lifting him, forcing him to stand on tiptoe, his feet desperately trying to hold on to the ground.
"Because you're so much better, aren't you, DI Tyler?" Gene hissed his voice bitter and sarcastic. "You're always bloody right, and even the sun is shining from your arse! You and your 'Hyde' ways are just slightly getting on my nerves." He breathed in slowly, the anger rising in him, he pushed Sam deeper into the brick wall. "I'm not a child, Tyler! I was a copper when you were still battling with acne, and your biggest dream was the blond girl-next-door's tits. I've had my share of policing, I don't need you barking about procedure from your moral high horse."
Gene finally ran out of air, but he was still holding Sam, never for one moment breaking the eye-contact. For the first time in his life, Sam remained silent, just looking into his superior's face. He expected him to throw him to the opposite wall, to kick the shit out of him, but this was far worse than anything else. Sam was never afraid of a good fist fight, but had always been terrified of words. Somewhere deep within, he had always known that this moment would come, when Gene would be pissed enough.
He was scared that the moment of truth had finally come, and he couldn't do anything to avoid it. They had never spoken of that day, the day when Sam had been lost in that dark tunnel with Frank Morgan, and though he’d chosen to return, the fact was still a fact: he’d let them down. Forgiveness had come so easily he had thought he could have changed the facts. In his dreams he liked to think that, if this was all a trick of his comatose mind, he could manipulate its reality… make things undone. Now he was scared that this pleasuring illusion would break.
Gene's eyes were clouded with anger. "You may be brighter than the rest of the team together Mr. Sam Almighty Tyler, but at least when I look into their eyes I see deep loyalty. How can I see that in a traitor's eyes?" The last sentence was nearly a whisper, but to Sam it was so loud, he could almost feel his head ripped in two. It sounded so rude and unfair, and he felt angry. Not with Gene, but with himself, because even if it was rude, he knew exactly that every word was true. The illusion was broken. He was a traitor in his Guv's eyes and no matter what he would do in the future, this wouldn't change. Ever.
Gene chewed on his own words for seconds, and realised that this had come out more offensive than he had wanted it, and saw the hurt in Sam's eyes. But he was not going to apologize! He exposed his deepest feelings and he wasn't going to apologize for it. He relaxed on Sam's hold, allowed him to stand fully on the ground, and bowed his head. That was his way of apology.
"So that's what you think of me!" Sam whispered mainly to himself. He didn't want to push it, but he had to ask. He had to know. "How can you still work with me?" His eyes filled with the tears he was unable to fight back.
"I don't know! I trusted you with my life, and even after you betrayed us, I never stopped trusting in you." Gene took a deep breath and looked away. "Life was easy before you came around. My world is very small, just me and my team." He faced Sam, and looked deeply into his teary eyes. "I need to trust in my team, without that I would drown, I can't breath without it. You betrayed that trust, and still when I look into those bright, honest eyes of yours, I cannot help believing in you, though a little voice in the back of my mind continually tells me I shouldn't." For a long moment he tried to read Sam's face, but he found nothing but sorrow, not one movement to defend himself. Gene turned to walk back to the car when Sam grabbed his wrist with both hands.
"Gene... I..." Gene stared at the hands clinging desperately to him, then lift his gaze to Sam's face.
Suddenly all the alcohol that had been running through their veins seemed to disappear. They stood there, as sober as possible, facing each other, both waiting for something.
Time stood still, as if it was watching them unwillingly to pass.
Sam wanted to say that he was sorry, that it had been just a terrible mistake which was never going to happen again. He wanted to promise everything in the world, he would have done anything just to gain that trust, to deserve to be loved. But he was speechless, the words didn't come to his mouth, they were trapped somewhere in his mind. The only world he felt alive in was about to fall to pieces, and he couldn't do anything but watch it happen. His world... Gene was his world! The thought made him shiver. He had built his imaginary world around the man standing in front of him, and the realisation was scary enough.
He tried to persuade himself that he had come back for Annie, but that wasn't true. Annie was a nice girl, a very good friend and he cared for her deeply, but in those lonely moments when he was lying in his bed in the still of the night he had to admit to himself that something was missing. His heart just didn’t belong to her, no matter how hard he tried to feel otherwise. He could lie to her, but he couldn't lie to himself. His deepest feelings and passion was spared for a man, and he couldn't fight against it. He felt such deep love and loyalty he knew he could never feel for a woman, and it scared him.
The minutes felt like hours, and they just stood there, gazing upon each other, trying to find out what to do then. Sam's vision blurred, he couldn't see Gene's eyes through his tears anymore. He knew that if there was a moment of truth then that was it. If there was a moment when he could take his chances and express his most hidden feelings for Gene then that was that exact moment. If he couldn’t bring himself to kiss him, he wouldn't ever get a second chance, yet he just stood there motionless. Gene thought he's a traitor, and if he had kissed him then he would have not only risked his physical health but he would have surely called him a poof.
There's no love without trust.
In that world he had no one but Gene, nothing but his job, and the thought of facing him day after day pretending that he felt only loyalty and friendship was unbearable. If Gene couldn't offer more than his friendship, life there would be only endless pain. He wouldn't be able to bear seeing every day what he couldn't ever have.
Gene was waiting though he knew that Sam wouldn't say anything. Sam was still holding his wrist, and he didn't pull away albeit he started to feel uncomfortably. He wanted to turn away before his tears started flowing uncontrollably. He silently prayed for this to end this way or that. His heart was racing almost on the edge of a heart attack. Then he saw Sam's tears running down on his cheeks, making his face and neck wet. His lips were shining and Gene suddenly felt the taste of those sweet and salty lips in his mouth. The illusion was more than tempting but he wouldn't take that step. The unspoken words crowded them like ghosts.
Sam's eyes begged for a little trace of encouragement in Gene's glance but he couldn't see any, so he was just tried savouring the moment, and wished it would never end. He slowly released Gene's wrist, his hands kissing and caressing every inch of skin he could touch in the process.
Gene watched their hands part and lifted his gaze once more to Sam's eyes, then turned, and walked away with a heavy weight on his heart, yet somehow relieved.
Sam stood there unable to move. Those unspoken words that whirled inside his head slowly left his mind and shattered around him. The moment and his heart were broken.
Gene headed to his car. He rested his whole weight on the bonnet of the Cortina, deeply buried in his thoughts, thinking about the things he could never have. He couldn't bring himself to kiss those wet, shiny lips he wanted so much, he couldn't bring himself to take that step, to cross that line. Perhaps it was better that way. That would have ruined their lives and everything around them. Yes, those were the lips he could never have, he should never have, no matter how strong the temptation was.
He was finally glad that Sam hadn't taken that step either, that would have been the point of no return. He had the distant feeling that Sam might have the same feelings for him, but that would have been impossible, wouldn't it? He fancied Annie, everyone knew that. He would never know for sure though, and that would be the best for everyone. Some things are just better left unsaid. In real life there are no 'happily ever afters'.
He was glad that Sam didn't follow him immediately to the car, so he couldn't see the tears running down on his Guv's cheeks. Gene wouldn't have wanted him to see him cry. No one should have seen him so vulnerable.
Minutes had passed as he was waiting at the car, and he started to wander, where Sam was. He walked back to the alley to find that Sam was gone. He went back to the pub, but it was already closed, no trace of Sam. Perhaps he walked home alone, Gene thought, and he was relieved he didn't have to face him again that night. They were pissed, and he hoped, that that little scene would be forgotten by tomorrow morning.
The next day when Gene walked into CID he saw dark and confused faces. He went into his office and saw a paper on his desk. He stood there horrified as the words on it started to become clear to him. It was DI Sam Tyler's resignation. He collapsed into his chair and covered his mouth with his hand. On the table there was a little piece of paper, only two words written on it with Sam's handwriting.
'Release me.'
Gene couldn't control himself anymore, and he didn't care who will hear him crying. The pain blocked out everything else, even his pride. He cried out loud as if he would want the world to tear apart.