Fic, Useless, Brown Cortina, by DorsetGirl

[dorsetgirl]

Title:    Useless

Author: DorsetGirl

Fandom: Life on Mars

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters or their universe. BBC/Kudos do. I’m not making any money out of this.

Rating:  Brown Cortina for strong language

Warnings: Depressed Sam, not entirely in his right mind.

Pairings: Sam/Gene implied

Word Count: 810

Summary: Sam is still desperately weak after

Comments

[jean_geanie]

I love the contrast between this and 'Fighting to Survive' Here you can *feel* Sam's self-loathing and his perception of how useless he is and then in 'Fighting to Survive' you see how everything Sam is obssessing over is of completely no importance to Gene. I also love how you ilustrate through Gene's concern for Sam's recovery (and Sam's concern for all the extra work Gene has to do) how strongly each of them feel about eachother. Oh and you've got Sam's frustration down perfect.

[dorsetgirl]

Thank you for this; I was worried it wouldn't make sense, because Sam really isn't seeing things clearly right now.

It was important to me that their feelings for each other - although not explicitly stated - came through, so I'm glad that worked for you.

[duckyone]

As someone who has had an occasion to experience it, you have hit the nail on the head on the way the brain works when someone is severely depressed. Scarily so.

I love the contrast of Sam's point of view on how Gene feels, to how Gene actually sees the situation. Sam is coming from a place full of self hatred while Gene is coming from a place of total love. Which when you are depressed is the last thing you can accept.

Thank you for continuing this. I hope there will be at least one more.

[dorsetgirl]

you have hit the nail on the head on the way the brain works when someone is severely depressed. Scarily so.

That is actually very scary indeed, because most of the self-loathing stuff just came straight out of things I often say to myself. Perhaps I'm depressed!

I love the contrast of Sam's point of view on how Gene feels, to how Gene actually sees the situation.

They're so different in character, background and experience - especially recent experience - that it's almost inevitable they'd see things differently, I suppose. I don't know if they'll ever come to see each other's viewpoint on this; I certainly don't feel inspired to write that part at present, but who knows.

I hope there will be at least one more.

Well, it's largely down to you that this ever got further than Fighting to Survive, so you tell me a couple of scenes you'd like to see (I suppose Sam wakes up and Sam goes home are obvious ones, but feel free to name anything at all you'd like to see in this series), and I'll think on them and see what happens

[severinne]

I've really been enjoying the way you're developing this scenario. It's really telling that I've been plenty happy reading them in the order you've written them rather than in chronological sequence, because each one has simply been that strong as a snapshot of each stage of trauma/recovery, and this is no exception.

Even with the heavily skewed perception that we're getting through Sam, so much truth is coming out - how deeply he cares about Gene, the extent of his pride even when his self-worth is in the gutter. It's painful to read, certainly, but still incredibly easy to empathize with Sam's outlook here.

And I'm with Ducky, I would love to keep reading more scenes from this, but in the meantime plenty grateful for what you've done with this so far. Thank you.

[dorsetgirl]

Thank you; I think if I tried to get the whole story sorted out and written up in sequence it would never happen, so I'm glad you think these work even though they're out of order.

Yes, all the way through, Sam's concern is the effect all this is having on Gene, and not feeling worthy of the one person who really matters to him.

[time_testudinem]

Oh how I want to hug Sam in this! Poor, hurt, depressed, brave, Sam. I love how even feeling useless, he is still working, still moving. And I know that we see in "fighting to survive" that this is not really helping his recovery, but I can't help cheering him on a little, because this sounds a lot like me in grad school. I don't know how many times I would go on hours long rants like that about how much utter crap I was, and I would tell myself to just keep going, cry if I had to, suck if I was going to, but DON'T stop. So, yeah, feeling Sam here. Trying to push through on shear stubborn bloody mindedness.

[dorsetgirl]

Poor Sam, it's really the only way he knows; anything less would feel like laziness or lack of professionalism. It's a good job - for his long term survival - that Gene knows better.

I remember those long nights and months - they seemed interchangeable sometimes - when it was only sheer bloody determination keeping me going. I just don't seem to have the strength for that any longer, sadly, and that may be where this fic came from. Thanks for commenting.

[clonesgirl]

Poor Sam. This is just him to a "T". He's depressed and hating himself but he won't give up and he struggles to do his exercises every day. He's also a complete workaholic. This was downright painful but it's exactly the way he'd be acting and someone has to shake him out of the rut he's in. Thank God he has Gene and that really motivates him to get better. I look forward to more parts - well at least one more anyway.

[dorsetgirl]

Poor Sam indeed. Without Gene, perhaps he wouldn't feel so guilty and inadequate, but then again he'd only find something else to angst about. So it's a good job he's got Gene to get him through this.

Thanks for commenting, love. I'm glad you think Sam is in character here; I spend a lot more time reading and writing fic than I do watching the show, and I worry sometimes that I'm losing the characters. Perhaps no more after this little series until I've watched the show again.