Sleepless in Santorini
Gully sleeps next to me, breathing the soft breaths of deep sleep. It's 5am and I'm thinking that I haven't had a bout of insomnia this bad for a long time, but in reality this isn't saying much since the travels have messed up our sleeping patterns anyway (this last week we've had pretty much multiple days of just being on buses and ferries, some overnight).
I've scoured the Internet for things to read, done the social networking stalking, googled past friends and all of that stuff. Of course I can't read my book because if I finish it, then I'll have to finish the travel writing one, then I'll have to mentally commit to... writing something *gasp* and we can't have that now, can we?
But since I'm here, I wanted to note a few things, in bullet form because my brain is too exhausted from all of the thoughts to formulate structured sentences.
- As far as anxiety attacks go, I've generally been pretty good, so I'm not feeling entirely comfortable with the events of the last couple of days. I've not had the tremors before, and I don't like it, and I don't like the stupidity behind the causes of these situations.
- Like tonight I was really freaking out about the amount of time left on our Schengen visa and I know that it is what it is and we can only see how we go but I keep trying to find a solution to this nonexistent problem and there is none, well, none that are straightforward anyway. "I thought we worked through this earlier" Gully said when I woke him up at 2am to talk about some German freelancer visa. Yes, I thought so too, dammit! But now...
- My enemy is here, TIME IS RUNNING OUT oh brain chaos! And then despite the fact that I'm homesick, I'm dreading the travels being over because what will I do with normal life once we're back? Gully can't go to work. I'll miss him. He has to stay with me all of the time, forever.
- See how this is completely ridiculous (apart from the obvious craziness), because now is the time we have to spend all our time together, in some of the most romantic spots in the world, and I'm spending a portion of it freaking out some impending future that may or may not eventuate.
- But nevermind the distant future, how about the near future, you know, where your cousin is coming to hang out with you for a couple of weeks. I don't even know him that well. Will we get along? I mean I know we had fun in the US but 2 weeks? He runs like 4 marathons a month and I can't even climb a small hill without feeling like I'm having a heart attack. He will totally judge me.
- I'm a completely unlikeable person! I've done so many destructive things and made so many bad decisions in my life. I'm not good at anything. I have nothing to offer.
- Sob!
- Wow. I really am insane.
- ...