On Love
"I love you."
It's probably something I've said too many times in my life where relationships are concerned. To all of my boyfriends; and 6/7 I probably thought I meant it.
The one time I knew I didn't was with Alan. We were lying on his bed, making out. It was my last day there, and he would be leaving soon. I knew I'd probably never see him again, and it didn't feel right not to say it when I'd spent the last few months practically living with the guy. And they had been great months. As he kissed me, I thought about what a great guy he was. How much fun we'd had, how he made me laugh.
I remember thinking at the time that it wasn't right. It wasn't right that we should have had such an amazing relationship with such blanketed emotions to avoid the inevitable. We knew it would never be forever. But still.
"I love you." I said, very deliberately, without feeling any emotion.
"I love you too." He replied, with kindness. Because he was a nice guy. "You're the best. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise."
Then, as though we'd crossed something off both our checklists, we carried about our day and didn't mention it again. Neither of us had meant it; but that didn't mean it wasn't true.
And then there was the one time that I couldn't bring myself to say it, even though with every passing moment I spent with this guy, it was all my heart screamed. It was unbearably intense, to the point where it caused me to feel physically ill. Here was this guy I barely knew, and whenever I saw him I had to stop myself from blurting out "I love you, will you marry me?". I didn't even believe in marriage. WTF was going on?
I was petrified. I'd never experienced anything like it before.
I guess at the time, I was no different from Gully. He thought that if you moved in with someone, you'd "lose the specialness". And I thought if I told him I loved him, it would be temporary like all the other times (and especially that one other time when I'd been certain that it would be forever, and observers were likening this situation to just that). He didn't believe in defining and committing; I'd stopped believing in love.
The first declaration of love, therefore, was anything but romantic. He accidentally blurted it out in bed on an emotionally tumultuous day, and immediately revoked it by clapping his hand over his mouth and apologizing profusely. ("Oh no what have I done?!") We quickly rationalized it and moved on, sweeping it under the covers as "force of habit".
And I suppressed, and suppressed and suppressed, for many weeks, until I couldn't do it anymore.
One night as I lay in his arms, listening to his heart beat, I knew. This feeling, this moment, it was forever. And those three words that had featured so heavily in my life, had seemed so intense once, now couldn't even come close to describing what I felt. In that moment, there was just me, him, and something overwhelming that transcended everything beautiful I had known in my life. His breathing was steady, sleepy, and I took the gamble.
"I think I'm falling in love with you." I whispered. Very softly.
"Ditto." He whispered back.
It's probably something I've said too many times in my life where relationships are concerned. To all of my boyfriends; and 6/7 I probably thought I meant it.
The one time I knew I didn't was with Alan. We were lying on his bed, making out. It was my last day there, and he would be leaving soon. I knew I'd probably never see him again, and it didn't feel right not to say it when I'd spent the last few months practically living with the guy. And they had been great months. As he kissed me, I thought about what a great guy he was. How much fun we'd had, how he made me laugh.
I remember thinking at the time that it wasn't right. It wasn't right that we should have had such an amazing relationship with such blanketed emotions to avoid the inevitable. We knew it would never be forever. But still.
"I love you." I said, very deliberately, without feeling any emotion.
"I love you too." He replied, with kindness. Because he was a nice guy. "You're the best. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise."
Then, as though we'd crossed something off both our checklists, we carried about our day and didn't mention it again. Neither of us had meant it; but that didn't mean it wasn't true.
And then there was the one time that I couldn't bring myself to say it, even though with every passing moment I spent with this guy, it was all my heart screamed. It was unbearably intense, to the point where it caused me to feel physically ill. Here was this guy I barely knew, and whenever I saw him I had to stop myself from blurting out "I love you, will you marry me?". I didn't even believe in marriage. WTF was going on?
I was petrified. I'd never experienced anything like it before.
I guess at the time, I was no different from Gully. He thought that if you moved in with someone, you'd "lose the specialness". And I thought if I told him I loved him, it would be temporary like all the other times (and especially that one other time when I'd been certain that it would be forever, and observers were likening this situation to just that). He didn't believe in defining and committing; I'd stopped believing in love.
The first declaration of love, therefore, was anything but romantic. He accidentally blurted it out in bed on an emotionally tumultuous day, and immediately revoked it by clapping his hand over his mouth and apologizing profusely. ("Oh no what have I done?!") We quickly rationalized it and moved on, sweeping it under the covers as "force of habit".
And I suppressed, and suppressed and suppressed, for many weeks, until I couldn't do it anymore.
One night as I lay in his arms, listening to his heart beat, I knew. This feeling, this moment, it was forever. And those three words that had featured so heavily in my life, had seemed so intense once, now couldn't even come close to describing what I felt. In that moment, there was just me, him, and something overwhelming that transcended everything beautiful I had known in my life. His breathing was steady, sleepy, and I took the gamble.
"I think I'm falling in love with you." I whispered. Very softly.
"Ditto." He whispered back.