Okay, here's the thing..
Do you have any hash browns. No, really, though, here's the thing.. I don't think too many things suck more than not being able to talk about how you feel. Because then all of your feelings get caught inside your ribs and it's hard to breathe and it makes you feel a fiery rage against every person ever even when it's just that they DIDN'T USE THEIR TURN SIGNAL AND THAT MAKES IT REALLY DIFFICULT TO DRIVE SOMETIMES DAMMIT AND WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SUCK. Those are the kinds of angry rampages you go on when you can't talk about your feelings. Because when you can't name them out loud, and own them, you start trying to force them to be about other things. So, you can start out being mad about Thing A, but you're not allowed to be mad about Thing A, so you transfer all that fiery hateful energy to Thing B, except Thing B is just like.. a piece of paper on the side of the road and it's like "what the fuck did I do?!" when you stomp on it out of rage.
So. that being said, I am going to use this quasi-anonymous opportunity to talk about my feelings, because no one reads this, except maybe Carls, and I know she will still love me. Hey Carls, if you read this.
I just don't understand what is happening. I don't understand how I got to this place in my life. And I don't understand why I'm not doing what I should be doing with my future even though when I stop bullshitting myself it is SO OBVIOUS what I really want to do. But somehow I let people talk me out of doing it because it's not practical and I won't make a lot of money and the job market sucks and da da da da and WHY THE FUCK DID I LET PEOPLE DO THAT? I am usually so good at sticking to my guns. But SOMEHOW, when it came to my future, arguably maybe one of the most important things I could decide upon, I let myself get persuaded. And now, here I am, months later, with no fucking future because instead of just pursuing what I wanted, I half-assedly pursued something I didn't want at all. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I CONVINCED MYSELF I WANTED IT!! BECAUSE I DON'T!! AND I DON'T THINK I EVER DID!! So now I have to spend the next year of my life feeling like a failure. But hopefully, that year will translate into getting into a fucking kickass PhD program and showing all those pretentious white male philosodouches who's their boss. But what if it doesn't? What else will I do? I don't have any marketable skills. Or really any skills at all. So.. there's that.
And I feel like such a fucking asshole because I feel a fiery rage inside me when people tell me about their awesome plans for the future. AND THAT IS SO AWFUL. THAT IS SUCH A HORRIBLE THING TO EVEN THINK. LET ALONE SAY. SLASH TYPE. And I really, genuinely am proud of my friends. It just makes my heart ache to think about everyone else's dreams coming true and me turning into some burnout with a useless degree who can't do shit with her life. But I am trying SO HARD to get rid of that feeling and just be a good friend and love people.
But I'm finding it kind of difficult lately to be the best friend I can be. Because here's the thing: I give so few fucks about ANYTHING. I just don't. I just don't give a shit about stupid bullshit that won't matter in a couple days, especially when I'm moving across the country in a couple months. I just want to live my last few days here being happy and relaxed and not fucking worrying about stupid FUCKING DRAMA BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. And here's what else I want: I want to be able to express my opinion without being ridiculed. I want to feel free to say what's on my mind. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I want to let people know that there are certain ways that it's not okay to treat me. I want to let myself be worthy of that respect. I want to tell jokes, and laugh loudly, and drink beer, and leave trash in my fucking car because that's what I want to do and I don't WANT TO GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ANY OF THAT. And I know. Okay. I know. I know it's all like in jest and da da da da but.. it's just making me feel weary. I literally feel like my bones are aching. Because I am trying to do a lot of things right now. And I don't have time or energy to spend on stupid bullshit. And I especially don't have time or energy to spend on people who don't love me the way I want to be loved and I PROBABLY WILL NOT TALK TO EVER AGAIN AFTER THIS SUMMER.
I'm just tired of feeling alone, and feeling like I have to bottle up everything I feel all the time. Because that's not fucking healthy. And all it leads to is me writing pissed off, heartbroken, angry, expletive-ridden livejournal posts at 1 in the morning. And that's bullshit.
So. that being said, I am going to use this quasi-anonymous opportunity to talk about my feelings, because no one reads this, except maybe Carls, and I know she will still love me. Hey Carls, if you read this.
I just don't understand what is happening. I don't understand how I got to this place in my life. And I don't understand why I'm not doing what I should be doing with my future even though when I stop bullshitting myself it is SO OBVIOUS what I really want to do. But somehow I let people talk me out of doing it because it's not practical and I won't make a lot of money and the job market sucks and da da da da and WHY THE FUCK DID I LET PEOPLE DO THAT? I am usually so good at sticking to my guns. But SOMEHOW, when it came to my future, arguably maybe one of the most important things I could decide upon, I let myself get persuaded. And now, here I am, months later, with no fucking future because instead of just pursuing what I wanted, I half-assedly pursued something I didn't want at all. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I CONVINCED MYSELF I WANTED IT!! BECAUSE I DON'T!! AND I DON'T THINK I EVER DID!! So now I have to spend the next year of my life feeling like a failure. But hopefully, that year will translate into getting into a fucking kickass PhD program and showing all those pretentious white male philosodouches who's their boss. But what if it doesn't? What else will I do? I don't have any marketable skills. Or really any skills at all. So.. there's that.
And I feel like such a fucking asshole because I feel a fiery rage inside me when people tell me about their awesome plans for the future. AND THAT IS SO AWFUL. THAT IS SUCH A HORRIBLE THING TO EVEN THINK. LET ALONE SAY. SLASH TYPE. And I really, genuinely am proud of my friends. It just makes my heart ache to think about everyone else's dreams coming true and me turning into some burnout with a useless degree who can't do shit with her life. But I am trying SO HARD to get rid of that feeling and just be a good friend and love people.
But I'm finding it kind of difficult lately to be the best friend I can be. Because here's the thing: I give so few fucks about ANYTHING. I just don't. I just don't give a shit about stupid bullshit that won't matter in a couple days, especially when I'm moving across the country in a couple months. I just want to live my last few days here being happy and relaxed and not fucking worrying about stupid FUCKING DRAMA BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. And here's what else I want: I want to be able to express my opinion without being ridiculed. I want to feel free to say what's on my mind. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I want to let people know that there are certain ways that it's not okay to treat me. I want to let myself be worthy of that respect. I want to tell jokes, and laugh loudly, and drink beer, and leave trash in my fucking car because that's what I want to do and I don't WANT TO GIVE A SHIT WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ANY OF THAT. And I know. Okay. I know. I know it's all like in jest and da da da da but.. it's just making me feel weary. I literally feel like my bones are aching. Because I am trying to do a lot of things right now. And I don't have time or energy to spend on stupid bullshit. And I especially don't have time or energy to spend on people who don't love me the way I want to be loved and I PROBABLY WILL NOT TALK TO EVER AGAIN AFTER THIS SUMMER.
I'm just tired of feeling alone, and feeling like I have to bottle up everything I feel all the time. Because that's not fucking healthy. And all it leads to is me writing pissed off, heartbroken, angry, expletive-ridden livejournal posts at 1 in the morning. And that's bullshit.