(no subject)
Last night I was fucking retarded. i regret my actions. I hate myself so much. I couldn't really come up with a creative way to kill myself because I had limited resources and according to my plan limited time. so i was like fuck, i have sharp shit. let's just off with it. So I had a small ritualistic thing I do where I got naked and started slapping myself then I use my finger nails to dig into my eyeballs and I hold them open until it burns. Then I pray to satan and put something sharp up my butt (this time it was a branch from a pine tree) so I did all that and lifted the blade above my head and as I was about to attempt suicide for the very last time I thought to myself "fucking why do I need to die? I'm the most depressed, depressing person alive, and staying here on earth, as a miserable fucking bitch, is the most torture I can inflict on myself and this world ever. I can continue being negative and hateful and ending things that other people find beautiful, or I can take the easy way out and appease the fucking god worshipping haters." So I fucking decided to survive. I understand where i was coming from, and if i heard someone say that, I would not fucking kill them, because that would be a reward, and it's a logical train of thought. But fucking god damn that's not me. I crave the sweet release of death, and like the anti Christian I am, I'm going to be miserable during this life so I can burn in hell in the next one. I want to be sent directly to Satan's fucking surgery table, where he plays with my guts just for shits and giggles.
Anyway I guess I'm alive and thinking about some fucking shit for the day. I'm going to spend the night in the same spot tonight. I just have to remember not to scream or throw flaming bags of my own feces at the houses I'm near. These people are so fucking uptight and preppy. this morning a fucking dad or some shit took his son outside in the backyard to play. I sat there watching and thinking about how easy it would've been to kill them both. I didn't do it, because I liked this spot, but I think I need to challenge this thought. Doing things I like is just like what every other fucking sane motherfucker does.
I've been all alone for such a long time and I hate you all. I hope you hate me as much as I hate myself. I love to hate myself. I'm thinking about doing something nice for myself liek a fucking day at the spa just to make me gag and want to cry. But I know I couldn't go through with it. The minute some bitch tried to touch me I would karate chop the god damn fuck out of her. Fuck her right?
Fuck everyone.
So anyway I watched that dad and his fucking son, first they were playing with the dog then the fucking dog took a big steamy shit and the dad fucking left it there. I'm thinking I'll rub it all over myself later tonight when it's a little more dry. Then the dog went inside and the son and dad just sat there fucking playing. The son was probably like 1 or 2. It was weird ass father and son bonding shit. I imagined what the son's head would look like inside his dad's asshole. then i imagined beating the shit out of the son with the dad's leg. Then they went inside and I walked to a store I saw walking last night and asked for change until I could afford a fucking lighter and a pack of cigarettes. I also got matches in case the lighter runs out. I use it kind of a lot.
Maybe I'll start a forest fire. but for now I'll just pick at scabs. I hope you all feel like shit and you're on the brink of death. And that's not a compliment because I likely hate you and think your whole life is a fuckin waste of time.
Anyway I guess I'm alive and thinking about some fucking shit for the day. I'm going to spend the night in the same spot tonight. I just have to remember not to scream or throw flaming bags of my own feces at the houses I'm near. These people are so fucking uptight and preppy. this morning a fucking dad or some shit took his son outside in the backyard to play. I sat there watching and thinking about how easy it would've been to kill them both. I didn't do it, because I liked this spot, but I think I need to challenge this thought. Doing things I like is just like what every other fucking sane motherfucker does.
I've been all alone for such a long time and I hate you all. I hope you hate me as much as I hate myself. I love to hate myself. I'm thinking about doing something nice for myself liek a fucking day at the spa just to make me gag and want to cry. But I know I couldn't go through with it. The minute some bitch tried to touch me I would karate chop the god damn fuck out of her. Fuck her right?
Fuck everyone.
So anyway I watched that dad and his fucking son, first they were playing with the dog then the fucking dog took a big steamy shit and the dad fucking left it there. I'm thinking I'll rub it all over myself later tonight when it's a little more dry. Then the dog went inside and the son and dad just sat there fucking playing. The son was probably like 1 or 2. It was weird ass father and son bonding shit. I imagined what the son's head would look like inside his dad's asshole. then i imagined beating the shit out of the son with the dad's leg. Then they went inside and I walked to a store I saw walking last night and asked for change until I could afford a fucking lighter and a pack of cigarettes. I also got matches in case the lighter runs out. I use it kind of a lot.
Maybe I'll start a forest fire. but for now I'll just pick at scabs. I hope you all feel like shit and you're on the brink of death. And that's not a compliment because I likely hate you and think your whole life is a fuckin waste of time.