just like any other, and its not what i want...
ever have a Verucia Salt day? that "i want it all and i want it now" attitude/mentality??? i have and today it has consumed every piece of my being.
i want all the time consuming, mind numbing BS all for nothing "projects" at work to be done, and i want my GD raise.
i want school to be over and i want to be living in NY city doing something i want to be doing. not LOVE, not yet, to be fully satisfied so young would be to literally be spoiled. but i would like to be working in the industry, probably someone's bitch, but in the industry none the less.
i want to be a singer (not a rock star, i dont want the money, i want the cult following of an underground sensation underappreciated and forever lost, but always remembered by those who touched it ~ and i want a day job), i want to sing and have people be hypnotized by me. at some nothing bar where some nothing band is playing as background static and suddenly the voice of a tortured angel worms throught the crowd, until all those who blindly ignored some amazing musical talent turn and are converted.
i want a love that will last. i know i know, it is too much to ask. but i have conditions. i want this love that while it may not be perfect it will be true. i want to be true. i want to have at least one person in my life whom i confide everything. every dark thought, twisted fantasy, deep indulgence, silly-hearted dream, passion, lust, want, need, and to have that fully and completely returned to me. but no one is like that. well no one @ 21. but i see freedoms and free spirits slip away from those that are much older.
i suppose i want what everyone really wants. work they enjoy, someone to share life with fully, no worries, recognition or maybe just a shred of popularity. but i want it in my way, which i feel is different (its probably the exact same dream of 100 people on this little green planet).
i will have this someday. i will be a singer, even if i do it just once, i will live in NY if only for a month or two (god i hope its for life). I will work in the industry, that i know is true and in my destiny. love, well, love is undecided... i have one person in my life who is full of potential, but it is my mistakes that have unallowed him to become this ideal lover. perhaps it is not the right time, or place, or reason.
i do know this. it is time to be recreated, become involved and do all that i have desired to do. even if all that is is paying off debt and getting a position in sorority again (hey i may be ambitious, but i understand the value of starting small). i want to have time for everyone, even if it just a moment in my day to make that phone call or send that email. i want to do this, i want to write like this, it can be draining but i feel so creative, i want to draw and paint and sew, i want to do well in my classes and utilize the education i am recieveing. i dont want to scwander anything else that i am given, even if all i am given is chances.
i dont want anyone's help. encouragment is great, and i suppose connections and experiences are too be used accordingly, but i do not want anything done for me anymore (i will admit, that there is little in my life now that is still doen that way, but for future experiences...duely noted)
i dont want to dwell on my past, and live through memories. i want to remember and learn, but i do not want to wish to go back. b/c i know i wouldn't go back for anything. i'd be to scared to make the changes even then, i wouldn't change anything for the better. things that i have done and been through have shaped me into this crazy little creature that i am right now, and i kind of like her. she is full of potential to go in any direction, no steel cables holding her down, no cage, nothing.
so grown up for 20. i suppose, i think just grown up enough. it is possible to be too grown up... to have seen too much, had too much (note that being married or having a child is not grown up...it is just unfortunate to have wasted one's youth) i feel that i am very grown up in many of my mentalities and views, however, young in the sense that i have simply not been through enough, seen enough, or heard enough, to truly understand the ways of the "growed up" world.
but i am greatful for that. i like being an old 20, but not and ancient one.
i want electric cars and an end to war. i want affirmative action to stop and the government to put more money and efforts into early education and childhood programs. white out all those race check boxes. but i want all Americans to simply be that, Americans. be proud of country and enjoy it, dont fight it every moment. if you dont like it, leave.
there are too many people who hate us, dont hate yourselves.
ok ok... time to step back to reality...
i want all the time consuming, mind numbing BS all for nothing "projects" at work to be done, and i want my GD raise.
i want school to be over and i want to be living in NY city doing something i want to be doing. not LOVE, not yet, to be fully satisfied so young would be to literally be spoiled. but i would like to be working in the industry, probably someone's bitch, but in the industry none the less.
i want to be a singer (not a rock star, i dont want the money, i want the cult following of an underground sensation underappreciated and forever lost, but always remembered by those who touched it ~ and i want a day job), i want to sing and have people be hypnotized by me. at some nothing bar where some nothing band is playing as background static and suddenly the voice of a tortured angel worms throught the crowd, until all those who blindly ignored some amazing musical talent turn and are converted.
i want a love that will last. i know i know, it is too much to ask. but i have conditions. i want this love that while it may not be perfect it will be true. i want to be true. i want to have at least one person in my life whom i confide everything. every dark thought, twisted fantasy, deep indulgence, silly-hearted dream, passion, lust, want, need, and to have that fully and completely returned to me. but no one is like that. well no one @ 21. but i see freedoms and free spirits slip away from those that are much older.
i suppose i want what everyone really wants. work they enjoy, someone to share life with fully, no worries, recognition or maybe just a shred of popularity. but i want it in my way, which i feel is different (its probably the exact same dream of 100 people on this little green planet).
i will have this someday. i will be a singer, even if i do it just once, i will live in NY if only for a month or two (god i hope its for life). I will work in the industry, that i know is true and in my destiny. love, well, love is undecided... i have one person in my life who is full of potential, but it is my mistakes that have unallowed him to become this ideal lover. perhaps it is not the right time, or place, or reason.
i do know this. it is time to be recreated, become involved and do all that i have desired to do. even if all that is is paying off debt and getting a position in sorority again (hey i may be ambitious, but i understand the value of starting small). i want to have time for everyone, even if it just a moment in my day to make that phone call or send that email. i want to do this, i want to write like this, it can be draining but i feel so creative, i want to draw and paint and sew, i want to do well in my classes and utilize the education i am recieveing. i dont want to scwander anything else that i am given, even if all i am given is chances.
i dont want anyone's help. encouragment is great, and i suppose connections and experiences are too be used accordingly, but i do not want anything done for me anymore (i will admit, that there is little in my life now that is still doen that way, but for future experiences...duely noted)
i dont want to dwell on my past, and live through memories. i want to remember and learn, but i do not want to wish to go back. b/c i know i wouldn't go back for anything. i'd be to scared to make the changes even then, i wouldn't change anything for the better. things that i have done and been through have shaped me into this crazy little creature that i am right now, and i kind of like her. she is full of potential to go in any direction, no steel cables holding her down, no cage, nothing.
so grown up for 20. i suppose, i think just grown up enough. it is possible to be too grown up... to have seen too much, had too much (note that being married or having a child is not grown up...it is just unfortunate to have wasted one's youth) i feel that i am very grown up in many of my mentalities and views, however, young in the sense that i have simply not been through enough, seen enough, or heard enough, to truly understand the ways of the "growed up" world.
but i am greatful for that. i like being an old 20, but not and ancient one.
i want electric cars and an end to war. i want affirmative action to stop and the government to put more money and efforts into early education and childhood programs. white out all those race check boxes. but i want all Americans to simply be that, Americans. be proud of country and enjoy it, dont fight it every moment. if you dont like it, leave.
there are too many people who hate us, dont hate yourselves.
ok ok... time to step back to reality...