Feeling restless...
mostly due to lack of sleep. I wondered aloud to a friend what my life would like like with a regular, solid 8 hours of sleep at night. What kind of person might I be? Well, I know what I am...the feeling that comes to mind now is "raw". The combination of sleep deprivation and caffeine-jangliness leaves my soft insides a bit exposed. I feel other people's pain, or at least relate to it deeply. These things bring me to tears: I'm so sad to hear of a friend's continuing deeeeep hurt and abandonment over the loss of her Daddy in a really fucked-up way. I feel the twist in my gut of another split-up couple where one was betrayed and is being so quickly replaced by "the other woman", I know the grief of tedd's close friends and family who are dealing with his death (suicide??) and the fallout that is brought from such a loss, and I can't quite comprehend the emptiness that my oldest and dear friend is feeling on the 2nd anniversary of her newborn's death.
Today I'm not feeling angry. I feel like I understand. I even feel some compassion for the emotionally-damaged mess who sexually assaulted me last year...which won't necessarily stop me from having violent rape fantasies where he ends up bloody and crying. Though I suppose the fact of that reality in his young life is exactly what brought him to be the perpetrator he has become.
I don't want to trade my problems for anyone else's.
Oy!
Gawddamn there is a lot of woundedness in the world.
I am understanding in theory that with every relationship comes pain. People leave, people die, people fuck up badly, people act out in their own pain and triggers...and I still need to interact with these imperfect beings. And I am one of them, one of them struggling to keep clean in my relationships. I accept this. I will come to learn it in my body...expect the pain so as not to be shocked by it...accept that it will come and I don't need to look for it. It will come. It will go. It will come again. Just like happiness.
***
I have a new favorite restaurant...and it is walking distance from my house: Universal Cafe http://www.universalcafe.net.
I have a new movie to add to my favorites: Fiddler on the Roof http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067093/
Mmmm...I'm not sure if I was attracted to the actor Topol, or his character, Tevye, but I love an Alpha! And it is a lovely historical musical of struggle and love and triumph and family and...TRADITION...and breaking tradition. I watched all 4 hours of it wrapped up all sniffly on the couch instead of making it to G's party (sorry, dude).
I have a new favorite sexual position! Not really, but I'm ready to discover.
***
This week has been full of performances...I have an out-of-town guest staying with me and I've been attending the travelling show...some cabaret, some piercing. I performed (?) my first piercing at a workshop on Monday...whew, it sure takes a long time for that needle to come out the other side! He wanted to pierce me, but I decided that I'm saving that virginity for a lover. A year ago, I would have said this wasn't for me...now I can see myself mastering it.
Ah, life! Tragic. Beautiful.
Today I'm not feeling angry. I feel like I understand. I even feel some compassion for the emotionally-damaged mess who sexually assaulted me last year...which won't necessarily stop me from having violent rape fantasies where he ends up bloody and crying. Though I suppose the fact of that reality in his young life is exactly what brought him to be the perpetrator he has become.
I don't want to trade my problems for anyone else's.
Oy!
Gawddamn there is a lot of woundedness in the world.
I am understanding in theory that with every relationship comes pain. People leave, people die, people fuck up badly, people act out in their own pain and triggers...and I still need to interact with these imperfect beings. And I am one of them, one of them struggling to keep clean in my relationships. I accept this. I will come to learn it in my body...expect the pain so as not to be shocked by it...accept that it will come and I don't need to look for it. It will come. It will go. It will come again. Just like happiness.
***
I have a new favorite restaurant...and it is walking distance from my house: Universal Cafe http://www.universalcafe.net.
I have a new movie to add to my favorites: Fiddler on the Roof http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067093/
Mmmm...I'm not sure if I was attracted to the actor Topol, or his character, Tevye, but I love an Alpha! And it is a lovely historical musical of struggle and love and triumph and family and...TRADITION...and breaking tradition. I watched all 4 hours of it wrapped up all sniffly on the couch instead of making it to G's party (sorry, dude).
I have a new favorite sexual position! Not really, but I'm ready to discover.
***
This week has been full of performances...I have an out-of-town guest staying with me and I've been attending the travelling show...some cabaret, some piercing. I performed (?) my first piercing at a workshop on Monday...whew, it sure takes a long time for that needle to come out the other side! He wanted to pierce me, but I decided that I'm saving that virginity for a lover. A year ago, I would have said this wasn't for me...now I can see myself mastering it.
Ah, life! Tragic. Beautiful.