I have an online journal that people can read??? Since when???

[lifeasjess]

So it's been a long time since I've posted but I'm bored, putting off going to bed, and I've played way too much Mahjong Dimensions on GSN's website. This is what my life has become. A lot of wasted time, wasted days, boredom, loneliness.hu One day my brother and his friends were sitting here talking and they were discussing karma. All of them believe in it in some variation, and I sat there and wondered if karma does exist, shouldn't I be winning the lottery or something? Then again, I have a family that loves me and that in itself should be enough. Very often it is. But seriously. I want a family more than anything else in life, and yet this PCOS that I have could mean that I'm infertile. If I am then I have no real purpose in life. I have this stupid anxiety disorder. I can't completely complain about it though - it has taught me the value of not stressing over little things. I can't save money, I hate my job, and living at home makes me feel like I'm still 12. I don't have any idea what I want to do with my life, and it's frustrating. Most of my friends seem to have forgotten about me, and I know it's partly my fault that I never talk to them either, but it would be nice to not feel forgotten. I regret a lot of the things that happened in high school. I regret a lot of things I did in college. I wish I could get over petty things that don't really matter. My mom often tells me I need to find a full time job. My brother works like 6 days a week. I don't know how. I dread going to work. I feel useless because I don't work more, but I'd feel worse if I worked more at this job I have now. I want to move out, but my checking account never has more than $300 in it. I pay bills and then waste the rest on stupid little things. Then I look back and wonder why I did that. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm already bored with this post. I need to eat less and exercise more. I want to know if people think I'm ugly and if that's why nobody ever seems to be interested in me. I know it can't just be my weight because people much fatter than I am have husbands. Attractive ones too. I know personality is important too, but people seem to like me okay so what is it? I'm honestly just curious. I mean it hurts too but at this point I'm just wondering. This weekend was beautiful. Tomorrow is supposed to be almost 80. I have to work. Seems like that always happens. I know I probably sound high, but I'm not. Never done that crap. Never been drunk either, and I'm okay with that. You won't see me with a cigarette in my mouth either. Ironically I love life way too much to risk lung cancer and COPD. Teens really need to stop with this sexting crap. Seems like this upcoming generation is doomed by stupid people. I really hope not. Well it's probably bedtime. When I get to this rambling point it's a good idea to sleep. I miss having a boyfriend. Just some passing thoughts from a wonderful artist (Owl City, Vanilla Twilight):

The silence isn't so bad till I look at my hands and feel sad, because the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...Drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist-deep in thoughts because when I think of you, I don't feel so alone...As many times as I blink I'll think of you tonight.

Time to find a quick snack before I hit the hay.