tell me whats that thing you do
Yea, it's 1 am and I'm not sleeping and I'm not studying.
Instead I'm listening to india.arie (somehow this cd is scratched) and i just cleaned all my dishes, the sink in my bathroom, plucked my eyebrows, flossed, did allocations online for Terps, and took off my mascara, which i never do.
I think I'm gonna need to make some changes soon. Nothing is going particularly bad at all- things are pretty good on the whole and when I think about where I was at two or three years ago emotional wise I'm pretty fabulous. But I wonder if I'm getting everything out of life that I want (not that I can, just that I want). I go to class, I do the RA thing (which has gotten a lot better), I see my friends sometimes. I'm in probably the best friends with benefits situation on the face of the planet.
But I'm not sure those are all things I want and that it's all I want. I'm a really different person than a few years ago- I'm able to live by myself, I don't have the stress of two awesome but emotionally fucked up parents, my body image has improved, I like where I'm at more. But there's something missing even though I'm really happy.
I'd like to think it's not a boyfriend but it probably is. I don't think I can keep doing what we're doing because, like i knew would happen, im starting to get confused with what I'm feeling- not even that I want to date him, but it's like I'm becoming progressively less interested because I'm really looking for someone serious at this point.
I think.
Today I walked into the back office before an RA meeting where some of the RAs were waiting and my friend ryen was like, you look really beautiful today. And it occured to me that that made me uncomfortable and I felt like it was odd, when I guess it really isn't, and if I'm at the point where I can't conceptualize that ever running through a guy's head I haven't come as far as I thought I had. So I need to work on that.
Instead I'm listening to india.arie (somehow this cd is scratched) and i just cleaned all my dishes, the sink in my bathroom, plucked my eyebrows, flossed, did allocations online for Terps, and took off my mascara, which i never do.
I think I'm gonna need to make some changes soon. Nothing is going particularly bad at all- things are pretty good on the whole and when I think about where I was at two or three years ago emotional wise I'm pretty fabulous. But I wonder if I'm getting everything out of life that I want (not that I can, just that I want). I go to class, I do the RA thing (which has gotten a lot better), I see my friends sometimes. I'm in probably the best friends with benefits situation on the face of the planet.
But I'm not sure those are all things I want and that it's all I want. I'm a really different person than a few years ago- I'm able to live by myself, I don't have the stress of two awesome but emotionally fucked up parents, my body image has improved, I like where I'm at more. But there's something missing even though I'm really happy.
I'd like to think it's not a boyfriend but it probably is. I don't think I can keep doing what we're doing because, like i knew would happen, im starting to get confused with what I'm feeling- not even that I want to date him, but it's like I'm becoming progressively less interested because I'm really looking for someone serious at this point.
I think.
Today I walked into the back office before an RA meeting where some of the RAs were waiting and my friend ryen was like, you look really beautiful today. And it occured to me that that made me uncomfortable and I felt like it was odd, when I guess it really isn't, and if I'm at the point where I can't conceptualize that ever running through a guy's head I haven't come as far as I thought I had. So I need to work on that.