how much do we all hide

[lifeandtimes]

one boy in chicago is my hero for striving for honesty, cutting out the bullshit qand coming clean what am i besides disgusted with myself for laughing to you over the phone for caling you in the first place for letting ym pain define me and by pain i mean it!! headache does not even begin to describe when i can't remember the last time something, anything was real and nothing is solid, least of all the ground beneath my feet is this my breaking point my goddamn rock bottom sacrife my sanity to save the conversation on a topic i wish i had never put myself into and i want to call you and hear you alone i want to call you because i love your voice over the phone how i am even still alive is a mystery and i know if i hadn't had nineteen years of practice, if the routine hadn't been pounded into me with blunt force, i would never have made the walk home i see my reflection and i know it lies just like i do, i feel it, i look in the mirror and only see bones, only see the shell and peter says he's jealous of me and peter says i'm not confused and everyone sees the blue eyes fuck you to borrowed time i would take it all back, give it all up, embrace the tragedy of suicide at age fifteen i would leave all the joy behind just so i didn't have to fucking feel this now

migraine insanity

my only comfort is that i won't remember this tomorrow

pain that cripples pain that makes it impossible to smile even though i try work through it work through it i know i can grow from this i know i will never have control but knowledge is power, that is what peter says and he means it and maybe i should try to believe it too i don;t want to grow i don't want to go anywhere but a home i don't have and have someone take care of me before i decide to take care of myself

ps. forget about this in the morning but remember that you only know because i decided to tell you