ugh
So I guess I need to come back to the land of the living. I really need to step out of my cloud that I have been in for months now. I don't know what has been going on with me, but I feel like I am falling appart at the seems and it is taking everything inside me to just stay together. I don't really know what it was that started it all.
I guess a big part of it is I can't seem to get out on my own. I mean I am living in an appartment, and I am driving my own car. I am paying for all these things. I am even paying my parents back for the money that I have borrowed from them. I have autopayments going to my student loans, and I am paying other various bills back that I didn't pay before. But I am still relying on my parents for too much. My mother is still my son's main baby sitter, I still go to them for money when I can't afford everything I need, and I just want it to stop.
It's not like I am not trying. I am doing my best my best to get my son into daycare. I thought that I had a friend who was going to help out with the babysitting until then, but it turns out the only two people who have my back is my parents. Its crazy how you can give the people who care about the world, and when you need help, they are no where to be found.
But I am trying to move passed this. I am trying to maintain, and I am trying to just accept that the people who I have cared for the most are unwilling to help me in my time of need, and my parents are the only people who will truly help me.
So why is it every time I think about how my parents help me I feel like I am getting an ulser? I just wish I could do it all on my own. I do accept the help, and I do it graciously (or at least I think I do), but it is tearing me up to do so. And every day I have to send my son to my mothers, I feel like I am just putting more and more of an burden on her.
I guess a big part of it is I can't seem to get out on my own. I mean I am living in an appartment, and I am driving my own car. I am paying for all these things. I am even paying my parents back for the money that I have borrowed from them. I have autopayments going to my student loans, and I am paying other various bills back that I didn't pay before. But I am still relying on my parents for too much. My mother is still my son's main baby sitter, I still go to them for money when I can't afford everything I need, and I just want it to stop.
It's not like I am not trying. I am doing my best my best to get my son into daycare. I thought that I had a friend who was going to help out with the babysitting until then, but it turns out the only two people who have my back is my parents. Its crazy how you can give the people who care about the world, and when you need help, they are no where to be found.
But I am trying to move passed this. I am trying to maintain, and I am trying to just accept that the people who I have cared for the most are unwilling to help me in my time of need, and my parents are the only people who will truly help me.
So why is it every time I think about how my parents help me I feel like I am getting an ulser? I just wish I could do it all on my own. I do accept the help, and I do it graciously (or at least I think I do), but it is tearing me up to do so. And every day I have to send my son to my mothers, I feel like I am just putting more and more of an burden on her.