Frustrated
Well, my health escapades continue, and not in any kind of progressive way whatsoever.
I saw my GP on Monday after 2 weeks of being an an anti-inflammatory that wasn't really helping my muscle/joint pain. He looked at my labs, most of which were normal, basically told me that my autoimmune labs weren't "abnormal enough" and that none of my symptoms indicated that I should be treated one way or another. He upped my dose of my anti-inflammatory meds... so maybe that will help...? I'm skeptical. I also asked him about how I get randomly hypoglycemic after I eat, and he said to talk to my endocrinologist about it.
Rewinding a bit into the day on Monday, I saw Danna and obviously talked about all of the things going on in my life (as per usual for a therapy appointment). We talked about how I am completely overwhelmed by life and feel like I can't handle anything. We talked about how everything makes me cry. We talked about how I feel crappy about the present, guilty about the past, and hopeless about the future. We talked about how I am genuinely unsatisfied with nearly everything in my life, from my job, to my body, to my educational choices, to my finances... basically everything is unsatisfying with the few exceptions being my marriage and a handful of friendships (for which I am eternally grateful). We talked about how lately, my memory is terrible and I am constantly losing things, both of which are very unlike me. We talked about how my sex drive continues to be practically nil (sorry if that's TMI, but hey, my journal, my content, haha). We talked about how if I had my choice, I would sleep 10-12 hours a day, and that the only reason I get up in the morning is because I value making money and would like to not lose my job. She asked me how I felt about going back on meds, and I said, "But I'm not depressed!" and then we had to laugh b/c hi, here are the symptoms of depression:
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- Fatigue and decreased energy
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- Irritability, restlessness
- Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- Overeating or appetite loss
- Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
- Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
So fast-forward to my appointment, after being told that my symptoms and labs aren't "anormal enough" to warranty treatment etc, I briefly explained my (long and complicated) psych history and asked if he would feel comfortable prescribing me an SSRI. Of course he said yes, because why wouldn't he, and without even really thinking about it, asked me the last one that I had been on (Celexa) and promptly put me back on 10 mg of that. So... I haven't filled it yet. I don't know why. I am afraid that it's going to make me gain weight (it didn't really when I was on it last, but there was so much else going on with my endocrine system that maybe it contributed and we will never know). I'm afraid it will make my sex drive even worse (if that's even possible?). I'm afraid that someday I'll want to get off of it, and the withdrawl process SUCKS (I know, as I have done this before). And then there's the stupid part of me that is just really happy to NOT have been taking any SSRI's since March, and the part that feels some kind of bizarre pride at finally getting off of the meds. There's the added fun of not really feeling better on the drugs anyway. I'm tired of trying every single drug on a list and not having it work. I'm tired of going through weird side-effects and feeling sick just to feel (maybe!) marginally better. So, every day I argue with myself as to whether I'll fill it... or go back to my psychiatrist and see if he wants me on Celexa or something else.
So yeah, that was Monday. Today, I saw my endocrinologist for an appointment that I made over 2 months ago. I got there at 9:20 for my 9:30 appointment. By 9:45 I was checked in and had my vitals taken and my chart updated... and then I proceeded to sit in that waiting room forEVER. I was finally seen by the Endocrine Fellow at 11:45. From 12:15-12:45, I sat in the exam room waiting for the fellow to come back with her attending. Then attending spent 3 minutes talking to me and told me that I needed to see a DIFFERENT endocrinologist in the practice for my weird hypoglycemia issues. Great, that's helpful. When I asked if I should be monitoring my blood sugars with a meter and strips, she told me "probably" but that I should see this other endocrinologist first, as this OTHER endocrinologist specializes in diabetes (which I don't actually have, thanks), and my current one does not. Of course, I can't see the diabetic specialist until February 8th. It's a good thing my hypoglycemia isn't happening 2-3 times a week! Oh wait...
So needless to say, I'm beyond irritated. And also depressed. Which makes me more irritated. Which subsequently makes me more depressed. This is a bad combination.
And then there was the school shooting today, which totally just makes me want to rage against society and ask why shitty things happen to totally innocent people, specifically elementary school students. And yes, it's heartwrenching that this happened, and yes, I am thinking of those families and how horrific their lives must have gotten in a mere moment because of some deranged asshole who was able to secure a firearm. It makes me ill that people can walk into a mall, a mosque, a move theater, a school... anywhere, and just open fire on people who have done nothing to the assailant. It makes me ill that the NRA stokes the fear in people in this country, creating the idea that we need to own guns to be safe. It makes me ill that people will put the "right to bear arms" above the right of a child or an adult to live a full and prosperous life because some douchebag decided that today was an appropriate day to go into a school and shoot as many people as possible. It makes me ill that people can buy weapons that, in my opinion, should only be available to those in our military and law enforcement. I think it's insane that we can let civilians carry guns at all, but since I doubt the 2nd amendment will be repealed any time soon, I can at least wrap my brain around owning a small handgun for personal protection (if you think you really need one), or a hunting rifle, if you feel the need to go and shoot an animal in your forested backyard or whatever the hell. But I cannot fathom a REASON why any normal human being requires a fire arm. I'm also aware that making guns illegal entirely won't solve the problem, just as making drugs illegal hasn't stopped illicit drug use. Until we can stop illegal gun sales from happening, making guns illegal is a moot point. The people who get them legally (usually) don't go on killing sprees, and the ones who get them illegally will continue to do so even if the legal channels are closed.
What makes my brain hurt is the fact that people continuously say that it's not time to talk about gun control or mental health. Today we should mourn. We should send our thoughts and prayers to the families in Connecticut. We should invite Jesus into our lives to heal our brokenness. I'm sorry, we don't need thoughts. We don't need prayers. We don't even need Jesus. We need some serious discussions on a macro level about policy and implementation. We need action. Want to stop mourning and grieving? Let's prevent horrific tragedies like this by DOING something about the society in which we live. Yes, prayer and thoughts and hugs and religious deities provide all of us comfort in times when life doesn't make a damn bit of sense, but it certainly doesn't solve our problems. The NRA is a fucking disaster who makes money off of horrible tragedies like this, as they spin them to somehow mean that "if we all had guns, things like this wouldn't happen," which is just flat-out WRONG. And yes, guns DO kill people. As the very wise Eddie Izzard once said, "The National Rifle Association says that, 'Guns don't kill people, uh,
people do.' But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, BANG! That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that." And it's true.
I also think that the state of mental health in this country is absolute crap. No, we cannot identify every mentally ill person on the planet, and even if we could, we'd probably still miss some because people who are sociopaths are GREAT at pretending like they aren't. The fact that people can't afford or access mental health care, or that no one is paying attention to individuals who are blatantly mentally ill is just insane (no pun intended). Somewhere, somehow, we need to have a frank conversation about mental health, gun control, and societal issues at large. Then maybe we'll get somewhere. Until then, people can continue praying, sending thoughts, holding vigils, and posting how sad they are about the state of the world on Facebook and other social media outlets. It just won't get us anywhere close to resolving this issue.
So that's THAT sociopolitical rant for today. ::folds up soapbox:: It's almost 4:30 and despite the fact that I barely did any work at all today, I get to go home soon. I am getting my hair cut for the first time since September, which is REALLY exciting. I'd love to know why my hair is falling out all over the place, but I was told by my endocrinologist see a dermatologist about that, so I guess that's my next stop on the Specialist Train (to Nowhere, it seems). But hey, I haven't seen a dermatologist yet. Maybe they'll have something magical to say! Probably not. SIGH.
Anyway, it's almost 4:30 and I'm getting a haircut. And then Ken and I are going to synagogue (if my haircut doesn't take too long), and then we're going grocery shopping (b/c our lives are thrilling). We have to do regular house grocery shopping, and then shopping for Game Night tomorrow as well. Somehow, we are fitting 11-13 people into our apartment for dinner (tacos and homemade black bean soup!) and various games. Tonight, I am making the base for my first foray into homemade ice cream (!!) which should be exciting (or a huge disaster). And... then tomorrow is lots of prep and cooking and cleaning and general insanity before people come over at 6:30. Then Sunday, Ken and I are having lunch with Lindsey and her boyfriend, John (they're getting "serious" and she wants me to meet him, which I think is adorable), and Sunday night, I'm having a long-overdue reunion dinner with my friend Charlotte (who I went to undergrad with). And then holy crap, it's back to work on Monday and it's the last full week before Christmas. I'm taking off Christmas Eve, just b/c I want a 4 day weekend, and I have off for Christmas (obviously), but it's back to work on the 26th. Lynn will be here the 21st-23rd, we're having Christmas (of some kind) at my mom's on Christmas Day, and we're having actual Christmas dinner with my mom's sisters et al on the 29th. Should be fun. Not sure what we're doing for New Year's Eve (probably nothing, b/c going out that night is ridiculous), and then it's back to work in 2013. Then it's... my birthday, and my dad comes to visit and hopefully by then, I'll know what the hell is going on with PA school. Who knows.
It's now time to shut down my computer for the weekend, pack up my earthly possessions, and head towards home. Happy weekend, all!
- A