WARNING: venting entry
if you dont want to here venting.. dont read on.
first day of school wasnt too bad. im happy with most of my classes.. prob gunna switch outta sundstroms tho. not sure about the honors world studies. i think i can do it, i just feel like low in that class because everyone is obviously smarter than me and better kids. i feel outta place, but i know it'll look good on college and im tryin so hard for college just so im not goin to a community college and im the fuck outta this hell hole.
went home with kristina got joe. came home and ya.. here we go again with the school year. schools school.. its 6 hours of learning. those 6 hours as much as i hate them i like them too because for those 6 hours im not home. i hate how far this has gone. i dread being home because im not happy. today i was in a good mood then in physc. we were to write something and maynard used an example of loosing 3 kids in her class senior year. so it made me think of nick and the accident. my grammy and everything. then it just made me think .. am i really a happy person? its like i have two sides of me that noone understands be one side is hidden. i dont like it and its not something i can control. i duno who to tell because noone sees it because all i have to tell are my friends. but my friends see the other side of me. my friends literally keep me living. im only happy when im with them. when im home im miserable. im home thinking of how much i wish i wasnt here and how bad i could either live with my mom or dad. it sucks so bad not being able to living with either of your parents, not just one.. but both of them. i havent talked to my mom since last weekend.. kinda worries me. i hate how things happened with shaibon and she moved back to boston. yesterday i came home and my gram flipped out on me. like absolutly went nuts. went through my purse found nothing and whipped it at my face.. so i screamed at her for throwing shit and she grabbed my shirt practically pulling it off to smell it. like its just not necassary. called my dad because she knows she can do nothing about it. my dad came here and he didnt care.. he doesnt care at all.. he called kristina because she MADE him. he talked to me because she MADE him. im not grounded.. im not in trouble. i dont get it. i get in so many fights with this lady and i always win but i hate fighting. its just not fair.. shes not my mom and shes not my dad.. she has no authority over me, she cant tell me what to do but yet i gotta live with her. i told my dad what she did and he got in a huge fight with her. so today i came home from school and he acutally called and asked if everything was okay and if gram said anything to me. like really.. it takes you physical abuse to check up on me. only time he talks to me is when my gram calls and complains about me. it really does hurt at times.. but the only times it hurts is when im home because its the only time i can think about it. i almost started cryin in school just sittin there waiting for the bell to ring thinking. i got home and couldnt hold it in. now im sitting here and my gram just came in here to ask me something while im crying.. after she asks if i wanted anything at the grocery store all she can ask is if my ac is on power saver so it turns off automatically and doesnt waste energy cuz it cost money. not whats wrong.. not are you okay.. this si why i hate it here. im hopefully leaving sometime soon.. i hate sitting here and being upset. it has no point.. but its not something i can just help. i dont know anymore.. its not making any sense i dont think. all i know is i have insurance now and hopefully ill be able to see jon again.. i didnt wanan before.. but now i kinda think i need to. well.. prob gunna see if i can get outta here or sleep. anything but think.
first day of school wasnt too bad. im happy with most of my classes.. prob gunna switch outta sundstroms tho. not sure about the honors world studies. i think i can do it, i just feel like low in that class because everyone is obviously smarter than me and better kids. i feel outta place, but i know it'll look good on college and im tryin so hard for college just so im not goin to a community college and im the fuck outta this hell hole.
went home with kristina got joe. came home and ya.. here we go again with the school year. schools school.. its 6 hours of learning. those 6 hours as much as i hate them i like them too because for those 6 hours im not home. i hate how far this has gone. i dread being home because im not happy. today i was in a good mood then in physc. we were to write something and maynard used an example of loosing 3 kids in her class senior year. so it made me think of nick and the accident. my grammy and everything. then it just made me think .. am i really a happy person? its like i have two sides of me that noone understands be one side is hidden. i dont like it and its not something i can control. i duno who to tell because noone sees it because all i have to tell are my friends. but my friends see the other side of me. my friends literally keep me living. im only happy when im with them. when im home im miserable. im home thinking of how much i wish i wasnt here and how bad i could either live with my mom or dad. it sucks so bad not being able to living with either of your parents, not just one.. but both of them. i havent talked to my mom since last weekend.. kinda worries me. i hate how things happened with shaibon and she moved back to boston. yesterday i came home and my gram flipped out on me. like absolutly went nuts. went through my purse found nothing and whipped it at my face.. so i screamed at her for throwing shit and she grabbed my shirt practically pulling it off to smell it. like its just not necassary. called my dad because she knows she can do nothing about it. my dad came here and he didnt care.. he doesnt care at all.. he called kristina because she MADE him. he talked to me because she MADE him. im not grounded.. im not in trouble. i dont get it. i get in so many fights with this lady and i always win but i hate fighting. its just not fair.. shes not my mom and shes not my dad.. she has no authority over me, she cant tell me what to do but yet i gotta live with her. i told my dad what she did and he got in a huge fight with her. so today i came home from school and he acutally called and asked if everything was okay and if gram said anything to me. like really.. it takes you physical abuse to check up on me. only time he talks to me is when my gram calls and complains about me. it really does hurt at times.. but the only times it hurts is when im home because its the only time i can think about it. i almost started cryin in school just sittin there waiting for the bell to ring thinking. i got home and couldnt hold it in. now im sitting here and my gram just came in here to ask me something while im crying.. after she asks if i wanted anything at the grocery store all she can ask is if my ac is on power saver so it turns off automatically and doesnt waste energy cuz it cost money. not whats wrong.. not are you okay.. this si why i hate it here. im hopefully leaving sometime soon.. i hate sitting here and being upset. it has no point.. but its not something i can just help. i dont know anymore.. its not making any sense i dont think. all i know is i have insurance now and hopefully ill be able to see jon again.. i didnt wanan before.. but now i kinda think i need to. well.. prob gunna see if i can get outta here or sleep. anything but think.