Hard Times Come Again No More
[Howard wasn't allowed near Vince for three days...]Howard wasn’t allowed near Vince for three days.
“Have you ever spent a week wandering round someone else’s subconscious?” Naboo had snapped. “Didn’t think so. That spell’s had a huge strain on him. He needs to recover, and seeing your face so soon after he’s come back s’only gonna make him worse.”
“I just want to see how he’s doing!”
“He’s doing fine. Me and Bollo are looking after him, and that’s all you need to know.”
And that had been the end of that.
Howard spent a lot of time sitting on the sofa in the living room, staring at the wall and thinking about his fragmented lifetimes. He could remember all of them so clearly, but they didn’t feel like memories at all. It was more like when he’d learned a Miles Davis song off by heart - he knew the sequencing and every tiny background detail, but somehow it all felt illusory, not quite real. He tried to think of the way Olivia’s eyes looked when she smiled, or the smell of Charlie’s hair, but they seemed to him to be only characters in a different story to his own, and he did not feel any sense of loss towards them.
More often than not, his mind drifted back towards Vince, as it always had done. He replayed scenes over and over, trying to piece together what he could of the encounters, until he thought he would go mad. Then he stood up and wandered into the hallway until he found his own bedroom door, firmly closed, and he slumped down against the vibrantly-painted wall and sat there for hours, listening to Naboo and Bollo’s muffled conversations and straining to hear anything, anything at all, that would tell him that Vince was ok.
“C’mon, Vince,” he would find himself muttering. “Don’t leave me. Not now. Not now.”
***
He was staring at the wall again when he heard the soft pad of feet on the floorboards, and when he turned around Vince was hovering behind him.
“Alright?” Vince said, smiling softly. He had cocooned himself in a purple wool blanket that Howard thought he recognised from the zoo, and underneath that he was wearing only a pair of black jeans and a brown jumper; his feet were bare. His hair was messy and natural, his face completely devoid of makeup, so that Howard could see all the tiny creases in his face: the exhaustion around his forehead and the gentleness on his lips. And yet there was a strength in the bend of his back and in the rolling blue waters of his eyes.
“Vince!” said Howard.
Vince shuffled forward and sat down heavily on the sofa, bringing his legs up underneath his chin and snuggling down against the pillows. "How are you doing?” he asked.
“Me? How are you doing, you berk?” Howard tried to smile but his face felt too tight. “I was going out of my mind.”
“Yeah, m’doing alright.” Vince ran a hand through his hair. “Just a bit out of it. Like that time I bet Leroy I could eat three packets of Saturn Zingers in five minutes and I crashed out in Tescos an hour later.”
Howard nodded. “I had to wheel you back in that trolley. You were singing Lionel Ritchie songs.”
Vince laughed. “What a tosser.” He looked up shyly from underneath his eyelashes. “You remember that?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“That’s good. That’s really good…” Vince’s voice cracked, and when Howard glanced up there were tears winking on the border of his friend’s eyelids.
“Hey, Little Man, what’s the matter?” He reached out and took Vince’s hand firmly in his own. “It’s ok. We’re home. We're safe.”
“I know,” Vince sniffled. “It’s just…I can’t believe you’re back, is all.”
“I’m back for good, sir. When Howard Moon decides to stay you’re going to have a tough job getting rid of him again. Just…don’t go on any more solo missions on your own, alright?”
“Alright.” Vince gulped back a laugh and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I missed you, y’know. The real you.” He paused, and then in a tiny voice said, “Howard?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Vince’s shoulders shook. “I just kept running out of time and I didn’t know how to get through to you and-”
“Stop it.” Howard opened his arms and Vince fell headfirst into his embrace, sobbing into his shirt. Howard rested one hand on Vince’s head and smoothed down his hair. “It wasn’t your fault, Vince. None of it was your fault. It was my fault, if anything. I should have listened to you. It’s alright. I’m here.”
“I took off the watch,” Vince mumbled into his shirt. “Naboo told me not too but I weren’t thinking straight and I nearly lost you forever.”
“And I told you that I’d rather stay in my own head than come home with you. So we’re even, ok?”
Vince laughed shakily. “Yeah, you were a bit of a twat.”
“Oi, less of that, you.”
Vince pulled away from the hug and tugged the blanket up under his arms. For a moment he stared at the floor, nibbling at the dried skin on his bottom lip like a mouse. “Thanks for coming back, Howard.”
“Thanks for coming in after me.”
Vince shrugged. “You’d have done the same.”
Howard thought about that for a second. “I’d have tried,” he said. “But, well, you know me. I’m a bit of a coward. I wouldn’t have got very far. But you…I mean, you were extraordinary. You’re always extraordinary.”
A pink blush began to shade the space underneath Vince’s cheekbones. “Howard…?” he said slowly. “Do you remember everything that happened in there? I mean everything.”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
Vince grimaced and buried his face in his hands. “Oh, fuck.”
“What? Why?” And then, somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard an echo of a life that had never existed: I should have said something, I know, and I know it’s too late now and I’m sorry. “Oh. Right.”
Vince sighed. “Exactly. Right. Look, Howard…just forget it, ok?”
“What?”
“Just…” Vince was looking anywhere but at the man in front of him. “Just forget about it. I ain’t gone to all that trouble just so you’ll get all awkward and panicky and move out, so please. Please.”
Howard shook his head. “Why would I want to forget about it?”
“Because!” Vince gesticulated wildly with both hands. “Coz it’s you, Howard. I’ve seen what you want, I saw it all in there. You want the wife, the kids, the whole shebang, and I’m just your weird mate who dresses like a futuristic prostitute. You’ve always wanted that, and I can’t be that for you, yeah? There were moments when I thought ‘well, maybe’ like in the Tundra or at your birthday party but we never even got past the snogging before I cocked it up. I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you to leave me coz you eventually realise that I’m not what you think I am. I’m just…I’m just Vince. And I know you don’t feel the same way anyway. So can we forget about it?”
He went quiet, and started picking at the skin underneath his cuticles. Howard sighed deeply and cleared his throat.
“Y’know, for a man who entered my subconscious and risked life, limb and hairdo to get me out, you’re very unperceptive.”
Vince frowned. “What’re you on about?”
Howard leant forward and closed the gap between them. Vince’s lips were chapped and there were rough salt marks on his cheeks from where his tears had fallen, but after a second he kissed back, shuffling closer and flickering his fingertips over Howard’s jawline.
“You better mean it,” he whispered when they broke apart. “You’d better fucking mean it, Howard Moon. If you’re just doing this coz you think you owe me something, or coz there isn’t anyone better…”
“There’s never been anyone better,” Howard murmured, kissing the corner of Vince’s mouth. “It’s always been you, Vince, always. Even in all those other lives I knew there was something missing. You and me, we’re a team. The old double-act magic, right?”
“But…”
“Shush. I love you, Vince. Even when I couldn’t see it, I’ve always loved you.”
Vince’s eyes were sparkling brighter than anything Howard had ever seen. “Say that again.”
Howard laughed. “I love you.”
Vince grinned. “I love you too. Even if you have got the tiny eyes of a prawn.”
They were never going to be the same, Howard knew that. They’d changed too much as a result of their experience. They were wiser now - different, and probably more damaged than either of them wanted to admit at this point, but indisputably wiser. They would never be the same, no, but maybe with time and patience and love they would become something better. It wasn’t going to be easy. Too much had happened for it to be easy. But as he kissed Vince again his love flowed between them, and he knew for a fact that whatever happened, it was going to be ok.
They were going to be ok.
“Have you ever spent a week wandering round someone else’s subconscious?” Naboo had snapped. “Didn’t think so. That spell’s had a huge strain on him. He needs to recover, and seeing your face so soon after he’s come back s’only gonna make him worse.”
“I just want to see how he’s doing!”
“He’s doing fine. Me and Bollo are looking after him, and that’s all you need to know.”
And that had been the end of that.
Howard spent a lot of time sitting on the sofa in the living room, staring at the wall and thinking about his fragmented lifetimes. He could remember all of them so clearly, but they didn’t feel like memories at all. It was more like when he’d learned a Miles Davis song off by heart - he knew the sequencing and every tiny background detail, but somehow it all felt illusory, not quite real. He tried to think of the way Olivia’s eyes looked when she smiled, or the smell of Charlie’s hair, but they seemed to him to be only characters in a different story to his own, and he did not feel any sense of loss towards them.
More often than not, his mind drifted back towards Vince, as it always had done. He replayed scenes over and over, trying to piece together what he could of the encounters, until he thought he would go mad. Then he stood up and wandered into the hallway until he found his own bedroom door, firmly closed, and he slumped down against the vibrantly-painted wall and sat there for hours, listening to Naboo and Bollo’s muffled conversations and straining to hear anything, anything at all, that would tell him that Vince was ok.
“C’mon, Vince,” he would find himself muttering. “Don’t leave me. Not now. Not now.”
***
He was staring at the wall again when he heard the soft pad of feet on the floorboards, and when he turned around Vince was hovering behind him.
“Alright?” Vince said, smiling softly. He had cocooned himself in a purple wool blanket that Howard thought he recognised from the zoo, and underneath that he was wearing only a pair of black jeans and a brown jumper; his feet were bare. His hair was messy and natural, his face completely devoid of makeup, so that Howard could see all the tiny creases in his face: the exhaustion around his forehead and the gentleness on his lips. And yet there was a strength in the bend of his back and in the rolling blue waters of his eyes.
“Vince!” said Howard.
Vince shuffled forward and sat down heavily on the sofa, bringing his legs up underneath his chin and snuggling down against the pillows. "How are you doing?” he asked.
“Me? How are you doing, you berk?” Howard tried to smile but his face felt too tight. “I was going out of my mind.”
“Yeah, m’doing alright.” Vince ran a hand through his hair. “Just a bit out of it. Like that time I bet Leroy I could eat three packets of Saturn Zingers in five minutes and I crashed out in Tescos an hour later.”
Howard nodded. “I had to wheel you back in that trolley. You were singing Lionel Ritchie songs.”
Vince laughed. “What a tosser.” He looked up shyly from underneath his eyelashes. “You remember that?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“That’s good. That’s really good…” Vince’s voice cracked, and when Howard glanced up there were tears winking on the border of his friend’s eyelids.
“Hey, Little Man, what’s the matter?” He reached out and took Vince’s hand firmly in his own. “It’s ok. We’re home. We're safe.”
“I know,” Vince sniffled. “It’s just…I can’t believe you’re back, is all.”
“I’m back for good, sir. When Howard Moon decides to stay you’re going to have a tough job getting rid of him again. Just…don’t go on any more solo missions on your own, alright?”
“Alright.” Vince gulped back a laugh and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I missed you, y’know. The real you.” He paused, and then in a tiny voice said, “Howard?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Vince’s shoulders shook. “I just kept running out of time and I didn’t know how to get through to you and-”
“Stop it.” Howard opened his arms and Vince fell headfirst into his embrace, sobbing into his shirt. Howard rested one hand on Vince’s head and smoothed down his hair. “It wasn’t your fault, Vince. None of it was your fault. It was my fault, if anything. I should have listened to you. It’s alright. I’m here.”
“I took off the watch,” Vince mumbled into his shirt. “Naboo told me not too but I weren’t thinking straight and I nearly lost you forever.”
“And I told you that I’d rather stay in my own head than come home with you. So we’re even, ok?”
Vince laughed shakily. “Yeah, you were a bit of a twat.”
“Oi, less of that, you.”
Vince pulled away from the hug and tugged the blanket up under his arms. For a moment he stared at the floor, nibbling at the dried skin on his bottom lip like a mouse. “Thanks for coming back, Howard.”
“Thanks for coming in after me.”
Vince shrugged. “You’d have done the same.”
Howard thought about that for a second. “I’d have tried,” he said. “But, well, you know me. I’m a bit of a coward. I wouldn’t have got very far. But you…I mean, you were extraordinary. You’re always extraordinary.”
A pink blush began to shade the space underneath Vince’s cheekbones. “Howard…?” he said slowly. “Do you remember everything that happened in there? I mean everything.”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
Vince grimaced and buried his face in his hands. “Oh, fuck.”
“What? Why?” And then, somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard an echo of a life that had never existed: I should have said something, I know, and I know it’s too late now and I’m sorry. “Oh. Right.”
Vince sighed. “Exactly. Right. Look, Howard…just forget it, ok?”
“What?”
“Just…” Vince was looking anywhere but at the man in front of him. “Just forget about it. I ain’t gone to all that trouble just so you’ll get all awkward and panicky and move out, so please. Please.”
Howard shook his head. “Why would I want to forget about it?”
“Because!” Vince gesticulated wildly with both hands. “Coz it’s you, Howard. I’ve seen what you want, I saw it all in there. You want the wife, the kids, the whole shebang, and I’m just your weird mate who dresses like a futuristic prostitute. You’ve always wanted that, and I can’t be that for you, yeah? There were moments when I thought ‘well, maybe’ like in the Tundra or at your birthday party but we never even got past the snogging before I cocked it up. I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you to leave me coz you eventually realise that I’m not what you think I am. I’m just…I’m just Vince. And I know you don’t feel the same way anyway. So can we forget about it?”
He went quiet, and started picking at the skin underneath his cuticles. Howard sighed deeply and cleared his throat.
“Y’know, for a man who entered my subconscious and risked life, limb and hairdo to get me out, you’re very unperceptive.”
Vince frowned. “What’re you on about?”
Howard leant forward and closed the gap between them. Vince’s lips were chapped and there were rough salt marks on his cheeks from where his tears had fallen, but after a second he kissed back, shuffling closer and flickering his fingertips over Howard’s jawline.
“You better mean it,” he whispered when they broke apart. “You’d better fucking mean it, Howard Moon. If you’re just doing this coz you think you owe me something, or coz there isn’t anyone better…”
“There’s never been anyone better,” Howard murmured, kissing the corner of Vince’s mouth. “It’s always been you, Vince, always. Even in all those other lives I knew there was something missing. You and me, we’re a team. The old double-act magic, right?”
“But…”
“Shush. I love you, Vince. Even when I couldn’t see it, I’ve always loved you.”
Vince’s eyes were sparkling brighter than anything Howard had ever seen. “Say that again.”
Howard laughed. “I love you.”
Vince grinned. “I love you too. Even if you have got the tiny eyes of a prawn.”
They were never going to be the same, Howard knew that. They’d changed too much as a result of their experience. They were wiser now - different, and probably more damaged than either of them wanted to admit at this point, but indisputably wiser. They would never be the same, no, but maybe with time and patience and love they would become something better. It wasn’t going to be easy. Too much had happened for it to be easy. But as he kissed Vince again his love flowed between them, and he knew for a fact that whatever happened, it was going to be ok.
They were going to be ok.