Hump Day With Lisa: Who's Bionic Now?
((Warning: contents are meant to be humorous but probably are not actually humorous. If you want guaranteed laughs, I suggest you look at House's season 8 ratings. I can't top that shit.))
A couple days ago, I noticed that Lisa Edelstein was scheduled to be a guest on The Queen Latifah Show. I figured that, even though it was super late to request tickets, I should try. After a period of being wait listed, I finally got confirmation that a restraining order hadn’t been filed against me and I could attend. Immediately I started figuring out the logistics here. Seeing Lisa Edelstein on Wednesday --> Wednesday is Hump day --> Seeing Lisa on Hump day --> Lisa being very close to the word "hump" --> Me + Lisa +hump =
So I get there, and after a while, we’re let into a waiting room, which has several televisions that show interviews Queen Latifah has done recently, production working on staging and shots of the episode we’ll see, and various clips from Queen Latifah’s movie career. I sit next to someone who becomes extremely distraught over the state of Renee Zellweger’s face every time a clip of Chicago is shown. Every single time - “I can’t believe she did that” / “She had such a distinctive~* face” / “[stupid shit]” - like Renee Zellweger’s face beat her dog or something. Eventually, we are separated, because they’re seating us finally, and my side eyeing ends.
By this point, I’ve been waiting for about three hours. The show starts late, and it’s not until 4:15 that Bridget, the warm-up comic, comes out and starts talking. This is when she mentions who the guests for the episode will be: Cameron Diaz and Timothy Snell (Queen Latifah’s personal stylist who does some jean makeovers for various randoms in the episode). There’s no mention of Lisa Edelstein. There hasn’t been any mention of her all day actually, and now I’m thinking Lisa cancelled, because surely if she were here, there would be a mention of her at some point, right?
So Bridget’s trying to get people to twerk and scaring various white women in the process, but I’m just trying to figure out what has happened. Did Lisa cancel? Did the website fuck up and say she was going to be on when she isn’t scheduled? Did I fuck up and click and wrong date? Then I no longer care, because as we’re getting closer and closer to the start time, I realize: I am stuck here for another two hours. I have to sit through Cameron goddamn Diaz. I’m going to have to listen to Cameron Diaz talk about that book of hers, and there’s going to be absolutely no upside after that. And now all I can think is:
Lisa has fucked me raw and not in the way I would like that to be true. I have been fucked over so hard that I’m actually mentally creating a prayer circle for Robert’s dick, because it seems like he probably needs one if she fucks this raw. I’m hoping she gives him warning beforehand because god damn.
Simultaneously I’m rewriting the lyrics to “Rolling In the Deep” to fit this situation. I have been betrayed, okay? Sure, I’m absolutely convinced that I didn’t select the right date and time to request tickets, but just because it’s my fault does not mean I can’t blame a stranger to make myself feel better.
I contemplate peacing out on the show altogether but decide to stay. I’m going to be stuck in rush hour traffic no matter what, so I might as well enjoy the show for what it is. Queen Latifah comes out. The first segment is pretty good. She talks about an app that tells you if your tweets are annoying or not, and I think I’ll be a good person and buy Carole Radziwill as many copies of the app as is necessary for her to shut the fuck up about how Bravo stole~ her book title. Queen Latifah uses an example tweet that refers to gluten-free pasta as both amazeballs and epic.
Later, Cameron Diaz happens. We watch a clip from Annie, and you know I’m not here for that, although I really like Quvenzhané Wallis. On the other hand, Cameron makes a joke about being mean to children, and I’m absolutely here for that. I also like that she makes a point to give the audience a lot of eye contact. Her segments go by pretty quickly, even though some things have to be reshot and the stage has to be set up for the game they play.
After Cameron leaves, I notice on the teleprompter a line about how the next guest has starred in some of Queen Latifah’s favorite shows. Cameron is gone, and the stylist clearly isn’t a TV star. As the teleprompter scrolls, it’s clear that Lisa is going to be on the show.
The teleprompter keeps going, and honestly, I’m not liking the questions that are popping up. In particular there’s one about what it’s like to get such great roles at her age, and I hate that shit. Yes, Lisa, please tell us what it’s like to be able to leave the nursing home for a job, because you’re so fucking old. Whoever wrote that question can sit the fuck down. Lisa is a fantastic actor. Human beings live past the age of 27. It shouldn’t be notable for television to have complex female characters who are in their 30s, 40s, and beyond, nor should it be surprising when an accomplished actress in her 30s, 40s, or beyond portrays that role. It’s not a triumph for women if it’s still considered an extraordinary feat, and until women are better represented, the question isn’t “How’d you do it, Lisa?” It’s “Why the fuck aren’t you creating these roles, studio exec with the appearance, taste, and scent of curdled milk?”
Don’t get me wrong: I was happy that she was actually there. But the show has messed with my emotions too many times over the last several hours, and I’m no longer in the mood for this shit. Bridget gets up and finally confirms that Lisa will be coming out. Only Bridget introduces her by asking how many people have seen House instead of just saying her name, and I have officially turned on Bridget. Don’t dumb it down for people, sis. People should know her name, and it’s okay to demand that they do. (Bridget later makes fun of Britney Spears and implies that Britney is unattractive, and now Bridget needs to go jump off a cliff.)
All of this is punctuated by Queen Latifah doing various little tasks. This includes a promotion to air the day before the episode airs on December 12th. Queen Latifah begins to read through the names of her guests, and she says, “Edelstein” wrong. She stops as soon as she pronounces it incorrectly and mentions that she wants to do it again. She says something like “That’s not my girl’s name.” She does the promo again and gets the name right, thankfully. The lambs stop screaming, etc.
Anyway, it comes time for Lisa’s introduction. Queen Latifah mentions how Lisa used to spar with Hugh Laurie, and they show a picture of the two together. A trigger warning would have been nice, because nobody needs to see that. The intro also mentions how she made a guest appearance on Scandal, which I thought was cool. It’s interesting to me that that role has gotten so much attention. Then, A Widow’s Guide To Being A Fucking Narcissistic Asshole - I mean, Girlfriends’ Guide To Divorce gets a mention, and we watch a clip.
The clip is not from the pilot, so spoiler alert! Abby is standing on her daughter’s bed and smoking weed with Phoebe. Abby mentions something about Jake’s girlfriend being at the house when he said he wouldn’t bring her around and calls him a liar. She talks about how she’s in her daughter’s room and getting high and talks about what good parenting that is or something like that.
I was too busy stifling my YASSSSSSSSS to really pay much attention to the specifics. People seemed to like it.
Lisa comes out. She posted a pic they took after the interview, so you can see what she was wearing there. What you can’t see from that angle: sideboob, the zipper that extends the length of the dress on that side, or the black Louboutins she was wearing. I like a woman whose beauty is so intense it makes me want to puke, so I was cool with that.
I don’t really remember the order of questions so I’ll just kind of list things as they come to mind. They talk about Jersey and how Queen Latifah still has family there. They discuss Lisa’s 30th high school reunion. Lisa was invited to attend but didn’t. She talked about how she was given permission to view the Facebook page for the event and how people started gossiping about her after a bit so she stopped looking at what was said. She mentions how she was shy in high school and tried to overcome that one year by saying hi to everyone she knew. But in doing so, she wasn’t really getting to know them.
It wasn’t really high school where she connected with people but the club scene. She talks about how she found other people who didn’t fit in and how they wore that proudly. While talking about her club kid days, she says that the Internet allows people to explore different versions of themselves. I start thinking about how I explored and settled on a perverted, emotionally unstable duck version of myself. Oop.
She also mentions that she likes to keep up with the club kids and what they are doing these days, which makes me think of Michael Alig, which invariably makes me think of Porny Monster. Not Party Monster. No, that wouldn’t be good enough. I mean Porny Monster. Nothing good can come from that line of thought - or from this paragraph - so let’s keep it moving.
The next topic relates to her parents and parenting in general, and considering I was just talking about porn in my last paragraph, this is a horrible juxtaposition. I would hang my head in shame, but then I’d probably be expected to be less disgusting in every paragraph that follows and… well… that’s not happening.
So Queen Latifah mentions that Lisa’s parents are in the audience, and they are. The show brought out two chairs for them on the floor for them to use during the segment. QL talks about how cool they all looked pulling up next to the studio earlier that day. Lisa discusses how she is different from her siblings and how her sister likes to joke that their parents couldn’t keep them down. This turns into Lisa talking about childhood in general and how you’ll always come out of it with issues, but if you know you were loved, that does a lot for a person. It can help you through many different issues; she uses addiction as an example. She’s careful to say that not everyone has the experience of being loved as a child, but that’s what every child should have.
The conversation moves on to Girlfriends’ Guide To Divorce. Queen Latifah talks about how the show is “groundbreaking,” and I’m really glad that she chooses that adjective. She emphasizes how this show is the first for Bravo and what that means. I highly approve of this moment. Lisa is gracious enough to mention that Bravo has a second scripted series coming out. She really likes the other show and thinks that Bravo has done a good job of nailing its brand. It was all about finding what would make the audience stay on Bravo when they wanted to watch something scripted.
There’s a brief mention about Marti Noxon, and Queen Latifah brings up Janeane Garofalo. Lisa says Janeane is funny. Lisa jokes that the show is set in Los Angeles, so they shot in Canada. Both Queen Latifah and Lisa hope that production will eventually move to Los Angeles, and Lisa says that they did do some shooting in LA.
The topic then turns to how Lisa got married the day before work on the series started. Queen Latifah points out that Robert is hot and also that it’s interesting/odd that Lisa gets married and then starts a series about divorce. Lisa talks about how she had a farewell get-together the morning after their wedding, and then they left.
She begins to talk about a fight they had after getting married. They drove to Vancouver with the dog and enough stuff in the car for five months. Lisa was sick during this time, so Robert kept lysoling the car. She was unable to eat, and that was fine, because she had to dance in her underwear in a few days. By the time they got to Portland though, she needed to eat something, and all she wanted was some gluten-free spaghetti with tomato sauce. Queen Latifah makes a joke about the gluten-free spaghetti based on the tweeting app from earlier.
So in Portland, Robert had to go out of his way to get the pasta for Lisa. He didn’t complain, but she could see in his face that he was disheartened about the whole thing. “I can’t change my face” was his comeback. I’m expecting a violent and gruesome ending to this story, because if that’s not an invitation to bust a man’s face, I don’t know what is. You don’t come between a woman and her food. You just do not. You don’t even hesitate with the provisions, okay? Get it together, Robert, or you will be demoted. Bionic Bob becomes Basic Bob real quick. That's all I'm saying.
This American horror story (I'm sorry; I just take food very seriously) eventually leads to talk about Halloween. Robert went as Jesus. The kids wanted to him to, as did the rest of the universe, to be honest. Lisa was going to go as Mary, and there was going to be a chain involved, so they could be the Jesus and Mary Chain. But Lisa got sick again and didn’t go. She clarifies that she’s not always sick. Queen Latifah suggests that she put the gluten back into her pasta.
In the end, Queen Latifah thanks her for being there and invites her back. After they stop taping, they take a pic together. Lisa and her parents leave. Other segments shoot. I get a free pair of pants, which is appropriate considering I was bitching about the pants I wore to the show.
And then I had the fun of driving home in rush hour traffic with the Living Single theme song in my head. All in all, not a bad hump day :)