Rotten Fruit And Turkey Balls: A Review Of The Oranges (With Timestamps!)
So I watched The Oranges with Allison Janney, Oliver Platt, Catherine Keener, Leighton Meester, Adam Brody, and Hugh Laurie. I kept a log of my thoughts and wrote some final thoughts on the film, and they are posted below. I didn't come in with any real belief as to whether or not I would like the film, but I definitely came away with some strong opinions about what I watched.
0:01 There is a strange voice? Okay, it looks like there is a narrator talking about the opening credits and describing them for the visually impaired. This… is what you get when you refuse to pay money for the movie.
0:30 I can’t wait to hear this man describe Hugh Laurie’s make out scenes.
1:00 Hugh without facial hair is some kind of devil fuckery I do not enjoy. I used to think that there was a train nearby my apartment. Now I know every time I hear a low and distant howling, it's my vagina crying, because Hugh has shaved.
5:00 Setting up the manic pixie dream girl background. YAWN.
6:00 The talent is too good for this.
7:00 Description dude: "They sip vodka in the den." So just an average day in the Hugh Laurie residence?
14:19 pausing again. More booze necessary.
- After a giant drink, I can no longer screw the lid back onto the bottle properly. It takes two tries. I might be ready to watch again.
- Fast forward an hour: NO. It was not enough. ENOUGH DOESN’T EXIST. (But really, I just couldn’t screw the lid back onto the bottle. Duped by own inability to function!)
14:30 I would stab my neighbor if he was eating my ice cream. Actually stab. But then there is a whole lot of tomfoolery going on that is worthy of some/lots of bludgeoning.
15:00 “Why would anyone want to shop on the same day as everyone else?” said Leighton Meester’s character. Manic pixie dream hipster.
16:30 Blair Waldorf/Seth Cohen <3
17:28 “I’m just saying you wouldn’t look good fat.” LEIGHTON MEESTER, LOOK AT THIS MAN WITH HIS SHAVED TURKEY GENITAL FACE. HE DOESN’T LOOK GOOD NOW, SIS. HE DOESN’T LOOK GOOD NOW.
- Turkeys may not have genitals. But if they did, they would look like Hugh Laurie when he shaves. It’s just a fact.
- Was going to Google to prove my point, but I think that would be even more unsettling and repulsive than this film.
19:06 “David looks awkward. Nina gives him a side glance. The Korean basketball game continues on TV.” Description dude capturing the romance~ perfectly.
19:30 … this is why masturbatory fantasies about your young female neighbors are best left to the bedroom and not on film.
21:25 Allison Janney just said “Tobias,” and now I want to commit suicide, because I could be watching Allison Janney with a different Toby in a FANTASTIC show. Noooooo. WHY DO I MAKE BAD LIFE CHOICES?
21:32 I hit unpause, and Taub glitches. Taub no like The Oranges. Taub also want to know Y U MAKE BAD LIFE CHOICES, MAC OWNER?
21:33 I realize Taub threw less of a fit when I tried to watch the preview of Teen Mom Farrah’s porno, Backdoor Teen Mom. What does that tell you about how bad this is/how high my tolerance is for curiosity-induced horror?
23:35 The hairplugs were going strong at this time period. RIP Hughplugs. It would seem that Lisa Edelstein literally snatched Hugh’s wig when she quit - took his audience and his roots.
24:00 Hugh drives. Does not look at the road at all. Perhaps he was hoping to have an accident so that he wouldn’t have to continue working on this film since he does things like that apparently. You know what’s a better method of getting out of those situations? Not signing the motherfucking contract, ho.
27:55 it’s not over yet :/
28:30 BEAT THIS HO ALLISON JANNEY.
28:35 She couldn’t even puke on him. SMDH. Why can’t my dreams come true?
29:06 And now he’s blaming the wife, so that makes it all okay. Lawd.
30:09 Allison Janney, beat someone. Anyone. Please. Beat me even. Conk me over the head real hard so I pass out and can’t keep watching this. Please.
31:15 David (Hugh’s character) remembers he has a daughter. Oop. When will he remember he has a son who tried to date Nina?
31:53 OLIVER PLATT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BEAT THIS HO AND YOU FAILED. GODDAMN IT.
33:19 “Nina was now responsible for breaking up two couples.” Yeah, it was the girl who had no vows to honor that did all the breaking. And yeah, besties having a fight is totally the same thing as a man cheating on his wife. Totally the same thing. And while I’m not against cheating by any means, I can already tell that this movie doesn’t really want to look at the negative ramifications for this coupling, which is cowardly… and also kind of gross. This just reads as someone’s ideal cheating scenario in which the guilty party doesn’t have to truly look at himself and his choices.
- If I had paid to see this in the theatre, I would have demanded my money back. I would have driven to Hugh Laurie’s house and demanded my money. Then I probably would have given him the $13.73 back so he’d let me fuck him a few times. I’d probably have to demand a refund for that too though. :(
34:59 “I don’t even recognize you.” You haven’t been home in 5 years. Before that you were a kid. You don’t even know this man. You kissed him once. You haven’t even fucked him yet to know if he’s even remotely worth a second of your time. Stop it, Leighton Meester’s character whatever the fuck your name is IDK.
36:00 “There are no rules.” No there are rules like cause and effect. Like entertainment should be entertaining. Those kinds of things are rules, and they apply whether you want them to or not, you half-assed MPDG. Jesus Christ, why isn’t this over yet? Why isn’t there a rule that the worse this gets, the deeper someone will shove the ice pick into my brain?
38:15 ooh good, they’re running towards the Jersey shore after a few minute montage of the two giggling. Apparently that’s what happens when men leave their wives for twentysomethings. They gamble a little bit and giggle A LOT. Ocean, do your job. Take these idiots out to sea. Or come take me. I don’t give a fuck.
42:00 The way Nina talks to Vanessa (her former friend and boyfriend’s daughter) is disgusting and disrespectful, and it reveals a lot about how little David thinks about his own kid and how gross he is. The fact that no one involved in the making of this script realized this is hilariously pathetic.
44:13 “I’m sorry I lied to you.” If your daughter has to stand there and wait for your support and you don’t say anything until Allison Janney talks about your old balls, “I’m sorry I lied to you” isn’t going to cut it. My God, was this script written by wolves? What is wrong with the world? MAYBE you should try to comfort and/or talk to your daughter before the neighbor starts bringing up your Shar Pei testicles. JUST A THOUGHT.
47:50 Leighton Meester sucks Hugh Laurie’s old man balls so that starving children can be given goats and Allison Janney can get laid, apparently.
49:00 “They kiss passionately in the car.” Voice describer you lie! If that is passionate, I don’t want to ever be kissed again, because that shit ain’t worth it.
49:45 Fake fight over wanting to be the one who said I love you first. *gazes around the room for the most painful way to die*
51:40 CATHERINE KEENER BEAT THIS HO. she doesn’t L WHY WILL NO ONE SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS MAN. WHY DOES HUGH LAURIE HAVE THIS IMPENETRABLE FORCEFIELD THAT BLOCKS HIM FROM GETTING HIS ASS BEAT IN THIS MOVIE?
52:53 Again blaming the wife. Yay absolving your main character of responsibility so he can go back to giggling with his girlfriend.
56:10 YAS. EX-FIANCE COMING BACK FOR NINA. RANDOM DUDE BEAT THIS HO. SOMEONE BEAT THIS MUHFUCKER.
57:00 … Hugh Laurie tossed the ex out as the most successful song about date rape plays in the background. My soul weeps. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?
58:20 EX FIANCE OFFERS INSIGHT INTO LEIGHTON MEESTER. LISTEN TO ALL THIS MAGNIFICENT CHARACTERIZATION.
64:02 And of course David is completely forgiven by Nina’s dad… totally the appropriate thing to do after Nina’s dad sees how upset Vanessa is about the situation. Totally appropriate. I know when I see someone I’m mad at being a total dick to their own kid, my reaction is IT’S ALL GOOD, BRO. KEEP PUTTING YOUR PENIS IN MY DAUGHTER’S VAGINA.
65:00 “If you want me to end this, I will,” David finally tells his kid. WE ARE AN HOUR AND FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS SHIT. IF YOU DIDN’T END IT BEFORE, YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING THAT. ARGH THE BULLSHIT AND THE FACT THAT NO ONE CALLS THIS MAN OUT ON HIS BULLSHIT.
- DOES SETH COHEN EVEN KNOW THAT HIS DAD HAS SCOOPED UP HIS POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST?
67:13 NO. NO ONE HAS TOLD SETH COHEN. NO ONE WAS LIKE OH BTW I’M FUCKING THE GIRL YOU WERE INTERESTED IN. MOM AND I ARE DIVORCING SO… MY BAD. DIDN’T MEAN TO COCKBLOCK YOU, SON. Y U MAD? I’LL LEAVE HER TO YOU IN MY WILL, SO CHILLAX, SETH COHEN.
- This is why the whole film fundamentally can’t work. No consequences, no emotional impact. I understand a light~* approach, but if you’re just ignoring everyone in order to fulfill your characters’ need for pussy/dick, that’s not really light as much as it is bad. Ignoring the negative aspects of such a story isn’t believable or happy as much as it is pathetic, and it doesn’t make your characters’ behavior likable as much as it demonstrates that your characters are assholes.
70:13 FINALLY. Catherine Keener is running over lawn ornaments and chasing Hugh Laurie with her car. Need gifs. Need Cuddy superimposed on Catherine Keener’s face. REALLY NEED CUDDY IN THAT CAR. Need David to be hit. David the character, not David Shore, she half-heartedly clarified.
72:00 “But I made your favorite duck. I made the duck.” DAMN IT. IF LEIGHTON MEESTER HADN’T GOTTEN INVOLVED, HUGH LAURIE COULD HAVE BEEN EATING DUCK ON CHRISTMAS EVE. #COCKBLOCKED
- RIP all the potential jokes
- It’s okay. Plenty of opportunities in the future for Hugh to eat duck on major holidays.
- One joke survived.
75:40 An apology to the wife. Finally… and not from the man who actually cheated but from Nina. And who gets slapped? Nina. Again, because she’s the one who took vows; she’s the one who hasn’t apologized or showed even an ounce of remorse.
77:30 “Did I ruin your life?” Hugh says no. I say this movie has ruined my life.
80:30 Catherine Keener goes to Africa, because no movie is complete without a little casual racism. Yay for POC getting goats!
81:00 NINA SUCKS DAVID’S OLD BALLS SO THAT DAVID’S CHILD MAY FLY THE NEST. DAT’S WHY I LICK BALLS, SO THAT CHILDREN CAN BECOME FASHION DESIGNERS.
- In the spirit of bad comedy, what do children become when I do penis-in-vagina? ABORTIONS. *rim shot*
81:36 Written by Ian Helfer and Jay Reiss. Yeah you both can go straight to hell, where they will play this movie 24/7.
To conclude, I came in with no expectations. I’ve seen the negative reviews, but I never really paid attention to them. However, as much as I wanted this film to prove those reviews wrong, I found that the movie was at least 1,000 times worse than what any reviewer led me to believe. It’s not that I disapprove of cheating or older people having relationships with younger individuals (these are a few of my favorite things). It’s not that I believe such subjects have to be serious. It’s that you have to acknowledge the conflict inherent in a married man fucking the neighbors’ kid whom he has known since she was a child.
It’s that you have to be willing to accept the consequences of that choice. You have to allow your characters to get angry and have their response. You can’t shoehorn forgiveness and half-assed apologies when your main characters have done absolutely nothing to make those responses believable. You can’t ignore that this man is pinning all of his happiness on a young woman who has just gone through a bad break up and is desperate enough to finally reach out to her family. (For this reason, it actually terrifies me that Hugh Laurie said that what he liked about the script was that it was gentle and compassionate and that no one was being exploited. I would say kissing a young woman whom he has known since she was a little girl when she is incredibly vulnerable and isolating her from the family she sought to be safe with is an act of exploitation.) If you don’t address those issues, you have to appreciate that for all of the exposition in your dialogue, your writing is painting a different story than the one you hoped to tell.
And if you’re not willing to tackle the issues inherent in your plot, then it doesn’t matter who you cast and how bearded he is or whether the film is supposed to be dramatic or funny (this is neither FYI). If you fail at the most basic premise of the universe - that actions have reactions - then nothing else you do matters, and you can sit the fuck down.
0:01 There is a strange voice? Okay, it looks like there is a narrator talking about the opening credits and describing them for the visually impaired. This… is what you get when you refuse to pay money for the movie.
0:30 I can’t wait to hear this man describe Hugh Laurie’s make out scenes.
1:00 Hugh without facial hair is some kind of devil fuckery I do not enjoy. I used to think that there was a train nearby my apartment. Now I know every time I hear a low and distant howling, it's my vagina crying, because Hugh has shaved.
5:00 Setting up the manic pixie dream girl background. YAWN.
6:00 The talent is too good for this.
7:00 Description dude: "They sip vodka in the den." So just an average day in the Hugh Laurie residence?
14:19 pausing again. More booze necessary.
- After a giant drink, I can no longer screw the lid back onto the bottle properly. It takes two tries. I might be ready to watch again.
- Fast forward an hour: NO. It was not enough. ENOUGH DOESN’T EXIST. (But really, I just couldn’t screw the lid back onto the bottle. Duped by own inability to function!)
14:30 I would stab my neighbor if he was eating my ice cream. Actually stab. But then there is a whole lot of tomfoolery going on that is worthy of some/lots of bludgeoning.
15:00 “Why would anyone want to shop on the same day as everyone else?” said Leighton Meester’s character. Manic pixie dream hipster.
16:30 Blair Waldorf/Seth Cohen <3
17:28 “I’m just saying you wouldn’t look good fat.” LEIGHTON MEESTER, LOOK AT THIS MAN WITH HIS SHAVED TURKEY GENITAL FACE. HE DOESN’T LOOK GOOD NOW, SIS. HE DOESN’T LOOK GOOD NOW.
- Turkeys may not have genitals. But if they did, they would look like Hugh Laurie when he shaves. It’s just a fact.
- Was going to Google to prove my point, but I think that would be even more unsettling and repulsive than this film.
19:06 “David looks awkward. Nina gives him a side glance. The Korean basketball game continues on TV.” Description dude capturing the romance~ perfectly.
19:30 … this is why masturbatory fantasies about your young female neighbors are best left to the bedroom and not on film.
21:25 Allison Janney just said “Tobias,” and now I want to commit suicide, because I could be watching Allison Janney with a different Toby in a FANTASTIC show. Noooooo. WHY DO I MAKE BAD LIFE CHOICES?
21:32 I hit unpause, and Taub glitches. Taub no like The Oranges. Taub also want to know Y U MAKE BAD LIFE CHOICES, MAC OWNER?
21:33 I realize Taub threw less of a fit when I tried to watch the preview of Teen Mom Farrah’s porno, Backdoor Teen Mom. What does that tell you about how bad this is/how high my tolerance is for curiosity-induced horror?
23:35 The hairplugs were going strong at this time period. RIP Hughplugs. It would seem that Lisa Edelstein literally snatched Hugh’s wig when she quit - took his audience and his roots.
24:00 Hugh drives. Does not look at the road at all. Perhaps he was hoping to have an accident so that he wouldn’t have to continue working on this film since he does things like that apparently. You know what’s a better method of getting out of those situations? Not signing the motherfucking contract, ho.
27:55 it’s not over yet :/
28:30 BEAT THIS HO ALLISON JANNEY.
28:35 She couldn’t even puke on him. SMDH. Why can’t my dreams come true?
29:06 And now he’s blaming the wife, so that makes it all okay. Lawd.
30:09 Allison Janney, beat someone. Anyone. Please. Beat me even. Conk me over the head real hard so I pass out and can’t keep watching this. Please.
31:15 David (Hugh’s character) remembers he has a daughter. Oop. When will he remember he has a son who tried to date Nina?
31:53 OLIVER PLATT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BEAT THIS HO AND YOU FAILED. GODDAMN IT.
33:19 “Nina was now responsible for breaking up two couples.” Yeah, it was the girl who had no vows to honor that did all the breaking. And yeah, besties having a fight is totally the same thing as a man cheating on his wife. Totally the same thing. And while I’m not against cheating by any means, I can already tell that this movie doesn’t really want to look at the negative ramifications for this coupling, which is cowardly… and also kind of gross. This just reads as someone’s ideal cheating scenario in which the guilty party doesn’t have to truly look at himself and his choices.
- If I had paid to see this in the theatre, I would have demanded my money back. I would have driven to Hugh Laurie’s house and demanded my money. Then I probably would have given him the $13.73 back so he’d let me fuck him a few times. I’d probably have to demand a refund for that too though. :(
34:59 “I don’t even recognize you.” You haven’t been home in 5 years. Before that you were a kid. You don’t even know this man. You kissed him once. You haven’t even fucked him yet to know if he’s even remotely worth a second of your time. Stop it, Leighton Meester’s character whatever the fuck your name is IDK.
36:00 “There are no rules.” No there are rules like cause and effect. Like entertainment should be entertaining. Those kinds of things are rules, and they apply whether you want them to or not, you half-assed MPDG. Jesus Christ, why isn’t this over yet? Why isn’t there a rule that the worse this gets, the deeper someone will shove the ice pick into my brain?
38:15 ooh good, they’re running towards the Jersey shore after a few minute montage of the two giggling. Apparently that’s what happens when men leave their wives for twentysomethings. They gamble a little bit and giggle A LOT. Ocean, do your job. Take these idiots out to sea. Or come take me. I don’t give a fuck.
42:00 The way Nina talks to Vanessa (her former friend and boyfriend’s daughter) is disgusting and disrespectful, and it reveals a lot about how little David thinks about his own kid and how gross he is. The fact that no one involved in the making of this script realized this is hilariously pathetic.
44:13 “I’m sorry I lied to you.” If your daughter has to stand there and wait for your support and you don’t say anything until Allison Janney talks about your old balls, “I’m sorry I lied to you” isn’t going to cut it. My God, was this script written by wolves? What is wrong with the world? MAYBE you should try to comfort and/or talk to your daughter before the neighbor starts bringing up your Shar Pei testicles. JUST A THOUGHT.
47:50 Leighton Meester sucks Hugh Laurie’s old man balls so that starving children can be given goats and Allison Janney can get laid, apparently.
49:00 “They kiss passionately in the car.” Voice describer you lie! If that is passionate, I don’t want to ever be kissed again, because that shit ain’t worth it.
49:45 Fake fight over wanting to be the one who said I love you first. *gazes around the room for the most painful way to die*
51:40 CATHERINE KEENER BEAT THIS HO. she doesn’t L WHY WILL NO ONE SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS MAN. WHY DOES HUGH LAURIE HAVE THIS IMPENETRABLE FORCEFIELD THAT BLOCKS HIM FROM GETTING HIS ASS BEAT IN THIS MOVIE?
52:53 Again blaming the wife. Yay absolving your main character of responsibility so he can go back to giggling with his girlfriend.
56:10 YAS. EX-FIANCE COMING BACK FOR NINA. RANDOM DUDE BEAT THIS HO. SOMEONE BEAT THIS MUHFUCKER.
57:00 … Hugh Laurie tossed the ex out as the most successful song about date rape plays in the background. My soul weeps. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?
58:20 EX FIANCE OFFERS INSIGHT INTO LEIGHTON MEESTER. LISTEN TO ALL THIS MAGNIFICENT CHARACTERIZATION.
64:02 And of course David is completely forgiven by Nina’s dad… totally the appropriate thing to do after Nina’s dad sees how upset Vanessa is about the situation. Totally appropriate. I know when I see someone I’m mad at being a total dick to their own kid, my reaction is IT’S ALL GOOD, BRO. KEEP PUTTING YOUR PENIS IN MY DAUGHTER’S VAGINA.
65:00 “If you want me to end this, I will,” David finally tells his kid. WE ARE AN HOUR AND FIVE MINUTES INTO THIS SHIT. IF YOU DIDN’T END IT BEFORE, YOU CLEARLY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING THAT. ARGH THE BULLSHIT AND THE FACT THAT NO ONE CALLS THIS MAN OUT ON HIS BULLSHIT.
- DOES SETH COHEN EVEN KNOW THAT HIS DAD HAS SCOOPED UP HIS POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST?
67:13 NO. NO ONE HAS TOLD SETH COHEN. NO ONE WAS LIKE OH BTW I’M FUCKING THE GIRL YOU WERE INTERESTED IN. MOM AND I ARE DIVORCING SO… MY BAD. DIDN’T MEAN TO COCKBLOCK YOU, SON. Y U MAD? I’LL LEAVE HER TO YOU IN MY WILL, SO CHILLAX, SETH COHEN.
- This is why the whole film fundamentally can’t work. No consequences, no emotional impact. I understand a light~* approach, but if you’re just ignoring everyone in order to fulfill your characters’ need for pussy/dick, that’s not really light as much as it is bad. Ignoring the negative aspects of such a story isn’t believable or happy as much as it is pathetic, and it doesn’t make your characters’ behavior likable as much as it demonstrates that your characters are assholes.
70:13 FINALLY. Catherine Keener is running over lawn ornaments and chasing Hugh Laurie with her car. Need gifs. Need Cuddy superimposed on Catherine Keener’s face. REALLY NEED CUDDY IN THAT CAR. Need David to be hit. David the character, not David Shore, she half-heartedly clarified.
72:00 “But I made your favorite duck. I made the duck.” DAMN IT. IF LEIGHTON MEESTER HADN’T GOTTEN INVOLVED, HUGH LAURIE COULD HAVE BEEN EATING DUCK ON CHRISTMAS EVE. #COCKBLOCKED
- RIP all the potential jokes
- It’s okay. Plenty of opportunities in the future for Hugh to eat duck on major holidays.
- One joke survived.
75:40 An apology to the wife. Finally… and not from the man who actually cheated but from Nina. And who gets slapped? Nina. Again, because she’s the one who took vows; she’s the one who hasn’t apologized or showed even an ounce of remorse.
77:30 “Did I ruin your life?” Hugh says no. I say this movie has ruined my life.
80:30 Catherine Keener goes to Africa, because no movie is complete without a little casual racism. Yay for POC getting goats!
81:00 NINA SUCKS DAVID’S OLD BALLS SO THAT DAVID’S CHILD MAY FLY THE NEST. DAT’S WHY I LICK BALLS, SO THAT CHILDREN CAN BECOME FASHION DESIGNERS.
- In the spirit of bad comedy, what do children become when I do penis-in-vagina? ABORTIONS. *rim shot*
81:36 Written by Ian Helfer and Jay Reiss. Yeah you both can go straight to hell, where they will play this movie 24/7.
To conclude, I came in with no expectations. I’ve seen the negative reviews, but I never really paid attention to them. However, as much as I wanted this film to prove those reviews wrong, I found that the movie was at least 1,000 times worse than what any reviewer led me to believe. It’s not that I disapprove of cheating or older people having relationships with younger individuals (these are a few of my favorite things). It’s not that I believe such subjects have to be serious. It’s that you have to acknowledge the conflict inherent in a married man fucking the neighbors’ kid whom he has known since she was a child.
It’s that you have to be willing to accept the consequences of that choice. You have to allow your characters to get angry and have their response. You can’t shoehorn forgiveness and half-assed apologies when your main characters have done absolutely nothing to make those responses believable. You can’t ignore that this man is pinning all of his happiness on a young woman who has just gone through a bad break up and is desperate enough to finally reach out to her family. (For this reason, it actually terrifies me that Hugh Laurie said that what he liked about the script was that it was gentle and compassionate and that no one was being exploited. I would say kissing a young woman whom he has known since she was a little girl when she is incredibly vulnerable and isolating her from the family she sought to be safe with is an act of exploitation.) If you don’t address those issues, you have to appreciate that for all of the exposition in your dialogue, your writing is painting a different story than the one you hoped to tell.
And if you’re not willing to tackle the issues inherent in your plot, then it doesn’t matter who you cast and how bearded he is or whether the film is supposed to be dramatic or funny (this is neither FYI). If you fail at the most basic premise of the universe - that actions have reactions - then nothing else you do matters, and you can sit the fuck down.