OH MARYLAND.

Jul 29, 2009 20:32

I flew home yesterday, and sometimes, it's almost possible to forget how LOLtastic Maryland really is.  But then you go home and it's like "Oh wait.  I remember now."  Lets go through the "ways to tell you are in MD" checklist:

-- anti-Obama t-shirts in the airport?  Check.  There was the "don't blame me.  I voted McCain/Palin" shirt and the one I was really tempted to buy - "Nope, you can keep the change."  The o in "nope" was the Obama's imperial-Japan-meets-the-US-flag symbol with a red slash through it.  The only slightly pro-Presidential thing was the "hail to the chef" apron, LOL.

-- tractors driving in the road like something capable of going 10 mph is a car?  Check.

-- the state deciding that they should save money by only cutting the grass on the highway once a month (at most)?  Check.  Why mow grass when we can let it grow 2-3 feet high, covering all the guard rails and signage?  It'll be like Nascar... only cooler!

-- Deciding that a good spending of money includes having four men, who are clearly supposed to be cutting grass, chill in their pick up truck doing nothing?  Check.

-- Putting a port-a-potty on a pick up truck and having it follow around criminal clean up crews?  Check.  While all the rapists and murderers in the Philippines are dancing to Michael Jackson, here in the state of MD, we make people arrested for misdemeanors shit in the back of a Chevy.  That'll teach 'em!

-- Signs made of cardboard and spray paint tacked to a truck that says "wideload coming ahead" (not written so that people actually looking in their rearview mirrors and being the ones in danger can actually read it)?  Check.  Having the wideload travel about 2 miles behind the warning sign so that by the time you come into contact with the wideload you've totally forgotten about it?  Double check!

-- People so lazy that they drive their lawn mower down to their decorative windmill to fix said windmill?  Check.  Extra checkage for never getting your ass off of the lawn mower.

-- People so desperate for Chick-Fil-A that they can't wait to park in the actual parking lot and decide that parking on the high way is totally genius?  Check x infinity.

-- A Montreal Expos Washington Nationals vs. Milwaukee Brewers aired on television like that abortion of a baseball game is actually watchable?  Check.  Seriously, the highlight of that game was the fact that two of the sausages (Italian and Chorizo) got into a big collision in the sausage race.  Chorizo got back up... Italian not so much.

But I think the best criteria actually comes from Fail Blog.  WBAL-TV is one of the bigger stations in Baltimore; it's also got one of the more respectable news broadcasts around here and yet...



PRINCE OF WHALES.  WHALES!!!  All I have in my head is the image at the end of Free Willy where the orca is totally peacing out by leaping over that lame kid (now replaced in my mind to be Prince Harry) to that fucking Michael Jackson song.  When I was young, I liked that movie, by the way.  When I was older, I really kinda wanted the movie to end with the whale screwing up the jump and squishing the kid to death.  Now I just wonder why the MJ song is "Will you be there?"  Clearly, Willy isn't gonna be there.  Leaping his shit back into the ocean was obviously the whale's way of saying, "I quit this bitch."  You don't have to be the Prince of Whales to know that!

... You also probably know that you're in MD if you actually take a PICTURE of your television to get something from your TV to the Internet...

ack my eyes!, crack is whack, hell to the no, crab cake makes u dumb, md my md, damn it, bittersweetie, mr. sexxxy-pants-the-messiah

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