Just Muse Me: Don't Look Back
If you think back, you’ll realize just how far you’ve come but you don’t think about the past. You don’t look back. You look back, you’ll see the regrets, the mistakes and the flaws that follow you around. You press forward, keep going because you don’t want to see those mistakes. If you don’t recognize that, you can actually hold up that arrogance and pride you carry around. The best shield you have is being just that egotistical and just that good. But you’re only good if you don’t think back.
Thinking back brings back painful memories, childhood hurts, high school hurts, college was just four years of hard work and stupid, and then adulthood hasn’t worked out either. A broken marriage really makes you feel good doesn’t it? Not just losing custody of your daughter, but giving it up willing, that’s a deep, dark hole and you’d really like to ignore that. There’s too much crap in your life, past and present, to make you want to face it. Psychotic killers, murderers, gang bangers with guns and high on PCP, you’ll take those on in a heartbeat, but your own past? No way in hell and you know exactly what it does for your life.
You’re not well liked, you’re bitter and stubborn and a hard pill to swallow. It’s good for your job, very good. That hard edge keeps the uglier aspects of the job from really leaving a scar. You’ll pursue cases until there’s nowhere else to go and you’re forced to give up. How else did you get to Lieutenant at your age unless you were a workaholic? It’s one hell of an achievement, but other people regard your drive, your obsession as unhealthy. You do too, but it’s all you’ve got. Outside of the people you’ve managed not to intimidate or piss off.
And those friends you’ve somehow managed to make, you guard jealously. You’d protect them with your life and give them more of yourself than you’re comfortable with, but you need them. Even if you just have Harry, you’ve got one person by your side. You’re not alone, though you’ve come close. You almost lost Harry, because you still have to keep moving forward and you just had to investigate him. And the other friends you’ve got? Well, you’ll eventually piss them off, it’s just a matter of time. Some of them might stick around, if you’re lucky.
So don’t bother looking back, it’ll just hurt. Keep going forward, guard what you’ve got and things won’t be perfect but they’ll be less painful.
Thinking back brings back painful memories, childhood hurts, high school hurts, college was just four years of hard work and stupid, and then adulthood hasn’t worked out either. A broken marriage really makes you feel good doesn’t it? Not just losing custody of your daughter, but giving it up willing, that’s a deep, dark hole and you’d really like to ignore that. There’s too much crap in your life, past and present, to make you want to face it. Psychotic killers, murderers, gang bangers with guns and high on PCP, you’ll take those on in a heartbeat, but your own past? No way in hell and you know exactly what it does for your life.
You’re not well liked, you’re bitter and stubborn and a hard pill to swallow. It’s good for your job, very good. That hard edge keeps the uglier aspects of the job from really leaving a scar. You’ll pursue cases until there’s nowhere else to go and you’re forced to give up. How else did you get to Lieutenant at your age unless you were a workaholic? It’s one hell of an achievement, but other people regard your drive, your obsession as unhealthy. You do too, but it’s all you’ve got. Outside of the people you’ve managed not to intimidate or piss off.
And those friends you’ve somehow managed to make, you guard jealously. You’d protect them with your life and give them more of yourself than you’re comfortable with, but you need them. Even if you just have Harry, you’ve got one person by your side. You’re not alone, though you’ve come close. You almost lost Harry, because you still have to keep moving forward and you just had to investigate him. And the other friends you’ve got? Well, you’ll eventually piss them off, it’s just a matter of time. Some of them might stick around, if you’re lucky.
So don’t bother looking back, it’ll just hurt. Keep going forward, guard what you’ve got and things won’t be perfect but they’ll be less painful.