On The Couch: Being Safe
"Freedom lies in being bold." - Robert Frost
If there was one thing Murphy was good at, it was pissing people off. It was a family trait. Her dad was the master of it. She could remember times in her childhood when he had pissed her off with a look. Even as an adult, he’d still say things or do things - most often by not doing things - that would make her angry. She had inherited the same genes.
She knew that it wasn't a good thing. Her job often required tact and a gentle hand. She was capable of that as long as it was on the job. Put her in a room with a grieving witness or family and she could be comforting, kind, and gentle. But the moment she got the information she needed and got out of that room, she started shouting orders and pushing forward. She argued with Kirmani, she argued with Harry, she even argued with her Captain. She was right and they were wrong until they gave her enough proof that she was wrong.
If her temper was up, everyone knew to stay out of her way. There were rookies out on the street who still remembered being on the receiving end of her dressing downs for mistakes. They said she was a hard woman, a downright bitch and one day it was all going to bite her in the ass. Some thought Vincent was karma’s way of telling her to be nicer.
The problem was, Murphy tried to be nicer, she really did. Being nice and friendly wasn’t beyond her, she just wasn’t good at it. Life had been making her bitter since she was twelve. Trying to get past that was a struggle for her. Therapy was sort of helping. Dr. Hendricks had been giving her all these tips on controlling her temper and lectures about the importance of being nice. She was trying, she really was, but it was hard.
When you were nice, people expected things from you. They expected her to share her life story at the drop of a hat. They expected her to put up with bull and give comforting pats on the back when what they really needed was a kick in the ass. She wasn’t good at those things. She couldn’t quite figure out why either. It seemed easy enough for everyone else. Even Harry, who had gone through a lot more in his life than she had, was able to be nice, warm and friendly. He didn’t share his secrets easily, but he didn’t make people angry at every turn.
So Murphy tried to be nice, tried not to be so sarcastic, tried not to be so tough, and let people get close. In some cases, it was working. She was making friends, but she knew the majority of people still saw her as Lieutenant “Hard Ass” Murphy. She liked it that way. A few people knowing that behind all the attitude and confidence was still a little girl trying to find her place in the world was fine. She could live with that as long as she still had her walls that kept most people out. Being a bitch was fine because it kept her safe and being safe was better than being liked.
If there was one thing Murphy was good at, it was pissing people off. It was a family trait. Her dad was the master of it. She could remember times in her childhood when he had pissed her off with a look. Even as an adult, he’d still say things or do things - most often by not doing things - that would make her angry. She had inherited the same genes.
She knew that it wasn't a good thing. Her job often required tact and a gentle hand. She was capable of that as long as it was on the job. Put her in a room with a grieving witness or family and she could be comforting, kind, and gentle. But the moment she got the information she needed and got out of that room, she started shouting orders and pushing forward. She argued with Kirmani, she argued with Harry, she even argued with her Captain. She was right and they were wrong until they gave her enough proof that she was wrong.
If her temper was up, everyone knew to stay out of her way. There were rookies out on the street who still remembered being on the receiving end of her dressing downs for mistakes. They said she was a hard woman, a downright bitch and one day it was all going to bite her in the ass. Some thought Vincent was karma’s way of telling her to be nicer.
The problem was, Murphy tried to be nicer, she really did. Being nice and friendly wasn’t beyond her, she just wasn’t good at it. Life had been making her bitter since she was twelve. Trying to get past that was a struggle for her. Therapy was sort of helping. Dr. Hendricks had been giving her all these tips on controlling her temper and lectures about the importance of being nice. She was trying, she really was, but it was hard.
When you were nice, people expected things from you. They expected her to share her life story at the drop of a hat. They expected her to put up with bull and give comforting pats on the back when what they really needed was a kick in the ass. She wasn’t good at those things. She couldn’t quite figure out why either. It seemed easy enough for everyone else. Even Harry, who had gone through a lot more in his life than she had, was able to be nice, warm and friendly. He didn’t share his secrets easily, but he didn’t make people angry at every turn.
So Murphy tried to be nice, tried not to be so sarcastic, tried not to be so tough, and let people get close. In some cases, it was working. She was making friends, but she knew the majority of people still saw her as Lieutenant “Hard Ass” Murphy. She liked it that way. A few people knowing that behind all the attitude and confidence was still a little girl trying to find her place in the world was fine. She could live with that as long as she still had her walls that kept most people out. Being a bitch was fine because it kept her safe and being safe was better than being liked.