On The Couch: Instant Replay
Do Over
“Is there anything I’d do over?” Murphy looked up in surprised at Dr. Hendricks. The woman nodded and Murphy frowned at her. “You want to talk about what I regret?”
“No, not exactly.” Hendricks shifted in her seat and began to tap her pen against her knee. “Everyone has regrets, Lieutenant. Our regrets can teach us things. They help us to grow, mature and learn as people about ourselves and our limitations as human beings. What I’m asking is, would you unlearn any of those regrets, do them over. I’m asking, if you would take a different path.”
Murphy sat up straighter and leaned back into the couch behind her. “I don’t know.” She answered honestly. “I’ve never thought about it.”
“You haven’t?” Dr. Hendricks sounded surprised.
“No, I mean, I haven’t thought about unlearning things before. I think about what I should have done and what was the right thing to do all the time.” Murphy shot her a look like she was an idiot. “I can’t unlearn things, so I never think about it.”
“We’re talking hypothetically here, Lieutenant, just use your imagination.” The shrink pressed. Murphy was impressed with the woman’s patience and sheer stubborn determination. In the six months she’d been seeing Dr. Hendricks the doctor had pried things out of her that Murphy had never intended to say. They were in a tug of war and Murphy was losing.
She started playing with the ring on her finger, “Okay, well, I’d definitely change what happened with Miller. I would have kept my eyes on him and not on Harry. That’s how he got the drop on me.”
“What would that change?”
“I wouldn’t be here.” Murphy said with a small smirk, “Miller wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t have an eight hour gap in my memory.” Maybe there was a little wistful note in her voice. If there was, Murphy ignored it. She was a realist and even her imagination could only give her a fuzzy idea of what life without Miller’s attack would be like. It seemed pleasant enough, but she didn’t know what would be sacrificed in a do over.
“You look… pensive.” Dr. Hendricks broke in, drawing Murphy’s wandering attention back to the doctor.
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. How about you tell me what you were thinking about?”
“Look, I know this is supposed to be some sort of exercise in getting me to talk about my mistakes and face them or something but what’s the point when I can’t change them?” She held up a hand to keep the doctor from breaking in, “Before you tell me self-examination and insight, none of that helps when it’s all hypothetical. I’d rather just talk about the mistakes and figure out if I got anything good out of them or if they were my fault, how to fix them, keep them from happening again. Something more proactive.”
“Alright, Lieutenant, we can do that instead.” Dr. Hendricks smiled, “Mind if I take a do over and ask this time what your mistakes have taught you?”
“I guess it’s okay, just this once.”
“Is there anything I’d do over?” Murphy looked up in surprised at Dr. Hendricks. The woman nodded and Murphy frowned at her. “You want to talk about what I regret?”
“No, not exactly.” Hendricks shifted in her seat and began to tap her pen against her knee. “Everyone has regrets, Lieutenant. Our regrets can teach us things. They help us to grow, mature and learn as people about ourselves and our limitations as human beings. What I’m asking is, would you unlearn any of those regrets, do them over. I’m asking, if you would take a different path.”
Murphy sat up straighter and leaned back into the couch behind her. “I don’t know.” She answered honestly. “I’ve never thought about it.”
“You haven’t?” Dr. Hendricks sounded surprised.
“No, I mean, I haven’t thought about unlearning things before. I think about what I should have done and what was the right thing to do all the time.” Murphy shot her a look like she was an idiot. “I can’t unlearn things, so I never think about it.”
“We’re talking hypothetically here, Lieutenant, just use your imagination.” The shrink pressed. Murphy was impressed with the woman’s patience and sheer stubborn determination. In the six months she’d been seeing Dr. Hendricks the doctor had pried things out of her that Murphy had never intended to say. They were in a tug of war and Murphy was losing.
She started playing with the ring on her finger, “Okay, well, I’d definitely change what happened with Miller. I would have kept my eyes on him and not on Harry. That’s how he got the drop on me.”
“What would that change?”
“I wouldn’t be here.” Murphy said with a small smirk, “Miller wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t have an eight hour gap in my memory.” Maybe there was a little wistful note in her voice. If there was, Murphy ignored it. She was a realist and even her imagination could only give her a fuzzy idea of what life without Miller’s attack would be like. It seemed pleasant enough, but she didn’t know what would be sacrificed in a do over.
“You look… pensive.” Dr. Hendricks broke in, drawing Murphy’s wandering attention back to the doctor.
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. How about you tell me what you were thinking about?”
“Look, I know this is supposed to be some sort of exercise in getting me to talk about my mistakes and face them or something but what’s the point when I can’t change them?” She held up a hand to keep the doctor from breaking in, “Before you tell me self-examination and insight, none of that helps when it’s all hypothetical. I’d rather just talk about the mistakes and figure out if I got anything good out of them or if they were my fault, how to fix them, keep them from happening again. Something more proactive.”
“Alright, Lieutenant, we can do that instead.” Dr. Hendricks smiled, “Mind if I take a do over and ask this time what your mistakes have taught you?”
“I guess it’s okay, just this once.”