The Big Show: Two Letters
Write two letters to two different people. In one, threaten. In the other, apologize.
Dear Mom,
It's me, Connie, the little girl you abandoned all those years ago. I'm supposed to say nice things in this letter, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm still bitter after all these years that you left me. Maybe it's because I'm patching things up with Pop, but I just keep asking myself why you couldn't take it. Or why you didn't take me with you.
Pop's work was hard on us all. I was there, those nights you'd have whispered fights over the phone. I was there when he wouldn't show up to Parent - Teacher nights, or baseball games or akido matches. It was hard on me too. The only reason I could deal with it was because you were there for me. I could always count on you. Until you left, and I couldn't any more. It was me, Pop, and Grandma Murphy then. Mostly me and Grandma Murphy. You know, I spent a year running to the door anytime anyone knocked, thinking you'd come home. I spent two years getting excited about every phone call because I expect it to be you. You never called, you never wrote. You vanished. All I know about you comes from what I remember and what Pop's told me over the years.
You don't know how many times I've pulled up a search at work and thought about typing your name, just to see if I could find you. I followed in Pop's footsteps by the way, I'm a cop, a lieutenant. You probably don't want to hear it, but I'm just like him. I work long hours, have a failed marriage and I even have a daughter. In case you're wondering, I do worry that I've abandoned her, like you abandoned me, even though I see her every chance I get. Maybe if you had taken me with you, things would have turned out differently.
I've been in the news recently for more than a few cases and one scandal. I find myself thinking if you see those news broadcasts and think about the little girl you left behind. If you do, don't come find me. Don't seek me out, don't beg my forgiveness. You won't get it. I can forgive Pop because Pop stayed, Pop took care of me. You just left. Stay away, I don't want anything to do with you.
Lt. Connie Murphy
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Baby Girl,
I want to say I'm sorry. I say that to you a lot, but I mean it every time. As you get older, I can see you don't always believe me when I say it. You're getting angrier at me, fed up with me. I can't say I don't deserve it. A lot of people think my priorities are screwed up, especially your Dad. I don't really have an excuse, just a reason. I'm trying to keep you safe, baby girl. That's why I work so hard, that's why I let your Dad take care of you, that's why I do everything I do. I want to keep you safe and happy.
The world is a scary place at times. I see that every day and I can't let that touch you. You're the greatest thing I've got in my life. Just a smile from you warms my heart and makes even the worst day better. I have a calendar in my apartment with all the days I spend with you marked off with a big marker, and I count down to them. I work hard the days before I see you so that way nothing will get in the way of our time together because seeing you is the most important thing to me.
I know you'd rather have me show up on time for your birthday parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all the other events I screw up or miss, but I'm doing the best I can. I went through this too, though you're too young to understand that. When it really matters though, baby girl, I will be there. I will never abandon you, or leave you. I will always be your mother, though I won't always be the mother you want.
Most importantly, I will always love you. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Working like I do, knowing what I'm missing, it hurts me. I hate that I can't be Judy Cleaver for you, but I'm trying to be the best mom I can be for you. At times, it won't be enough. I'm sorry for that. I can't make the promises your Dad can, I won't make a promise I can't keep. That's why I won't promise to make every school play, or birthday party. I do promise that I'll always love you and I do promise to make sure you know it and that I say it every time I see you.
I love you Anna,
Mom
Dear Mom,
It's me, Connie, the little girl you abandoned all those years ago. I'm supposed to say nice things in this letter, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm still bitter after all these years that you left me. Maybe it's because I'm patching things up with Pop, but I just keep asking myself why you couldn't take it. Or why you didn't take me with you.
Pop's work was hard on us all. I was there, those nights you'd have whispered fights over the phone. I was there when he wouldn't show up to Parent - Teacher nights, or baseball games or akido matches. It was hard on me too. The only reason I could deal with it was because you were there for me. I could always count on you. Until you left, and I couldn't any more. It was me, Pop, and Grandma Murphy then. Mostly me and Grandma Murphy. You know, I spent a year running to the door anytime anyone knocked, thinking you'd come home. I spent two years getting excited about every phone call because I expect it to be you. You never called, you never wrote. You vanished. All I know about you comes from what I remember and what Pop's told me over the years.
You don't know how many times I've pulled up a search at work and thought about typing your name, just to see if I could find you. I followed in Pop's footsteps by the way, I'm a cop, a lieutenant. You probably don't want to hear it, but I'm just like him. I work long hours, have a failed marriage and I even have a daughter. In case you're wondering, I do worry that I've abandoned her, like you abandoned me, even though I see her every chance I get. Maybe if you had taken me with you, things would have turned out differently.
I've been in the news recently for more than a few cases and one scandal. I find myself thinking if you see those news broadcasts and think about the little girl you left behind. If you do, don't come find me. Don't seek me out, don't beg my forgiveness. You won't get it. I can forgive Pop because Pop stayed, Pop took care of me. You just left. Stay away, I don't want anything to do with you.
Lt. Connie Murphy
---
Baby Girl,
I want to say I'm sorry. I say that to you a lot, but I mean it every time. As you get older, I can see you don't always believe me when I say it. You're getting angrier at me, fed up with me. I can't say I don't deserve it. A lot of people think my priorities are screwed up, especially your Dad. I don't really have an excuse, just a reason. I'm trying to keep you safe, baby girl. That's why I work so hard, that's why I let your Dad take care of you, that's why I do everything I do. I want to keep you safe and happy.
The world is a scary place at times. I see that every day and I can't let that touch you. You're the greatest thing I've got in my life. Just a smile from you warms my heart and makes even the worst day better. I have a calendar in my apartment with all the days I spend with you marked off with a big marker, and I count down to them. I work hard the days before I see you so that way nothing will get in the way of our time together because seeing you is the most important thing to me.
I know you'd rather have me show up on time for your birthday parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all the other events I screw up or miss, but I'm doing the best I can. I went through this too, though you're too young to understand that. When it really matters though, baby girl, I will be there. I will never abandon you, or leave you. I will always be your mother, though I won't always be the mother you want.
Most importantly, I will always love you. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Working like I do, knowing what I'm missing, it hurts me. I hate that I can't be Judy Cleaver for you, but I'm trying to be the best mom I can be for you. At times, it won't be enough. I'm sorry for that. I can't make the promises your Dad can, I won't make a promise I can't keep. That's why I won't promise to make every school play, or birthday party. I do promise that I'll always love you and I do promise to make sure you know it and that I say it every time I see you.
I love you Anna,
Mom