"She's slowly opening." just a random ramble about my life
So, I have decided, after a month or two of NOT using this blog, that this is not going to be a fangirl blog after all. I need to vent. I need to talk about stuff, and get it out there, and whether anyone reads it or not is their own decision.
First off, I'm very new to livejournal. This is my first time of having/seeing one. I don't know if there are people out their who spill their emotions out to livejournal, or if I am the only one. I don't know if anyone will read this, and I don't know if anyone will care.
If you want to know more about me, well then
First off, this is not a pretty story. Actually, it's not even a story right now. Right now you're just getting the hard facts.
I am an insomniac. Currently, it's 2AM and I haven't slept in over 38 hours. I take sleeping pills, but sometimes they just don't work. Most of the time, it's okay. I've just been having some extra problems lately and I don't know why.
Second, I am a cutter. When I use the word AM here, it's because I will always be a cutter. I've mostly stopped, but sometimes the addiction still rears its ugly head, and probably will from time to time for the rest of my life. Over the past year, I think I've cut less than 3 times.
It's the weirdest thing though. I used to cut because I was majorly depressed, suicidal, and just needed a release from my inner pain. (sounds so cliche right?) but then I just... stopped. At first it was tough, sure, but then it's like I just buried the emotions somewhere, and now I can't find them.
The last time I cut was a few weeks ago, partly because I was triggered by a story I read and partly because I just felt so empty, I just wanted to feel again. Most of the time I just drown my emotions out by watching loads of TV and movies and writing fanfic and getting involved in fandoms. And that's great, it's a really good distraction, but lately I just haven't been able to feel anything.
I'm either depressed or I'm just... not anything. I guess you could say I'm a spiritual person. I don't like religion, but I believe in the Bible and Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit. I belong to a Methodist Church, and my youth group has been what's gotten me through the worst times in my life.
Back when I was first trying to get help, I was so close to God. Because I needed Him and relied on Him to get me through the day. But ever sense I stopped cutting, I've just felt so far.
It's like I'm stranded in this giant desert with no way out.
I'm afraid if I open up and show my emotions, I will go spiraling down into that pit of despair. I don't know anything other than depression and this numbness that's take over my life.
Numb. I've become so numb. I can't feel you there... I've become so tired, so much more aware.
Wow. I just realized how much that song really relates to me right now. Numb by Linkin Park if you didn't get that.
I'm so busy, I don't have time for- okay that's a lie. I'm just gonna stop myself there. I have internship at the church and colorguard and school and theatre and marching band season and drama at the church and worship band- and yet I have all this time that I spend on the computer obsessing over One Direction and Darren Criss and Harry Potter.
I don't know where this rambling has gone off to, but I think the point I'm trying to make is that i'm smothering myself.
i want to be more like me and less like you (you being the me that I don't like. the me that is numb and unfeeling, instead of the me that I've buried somewhere and can't find.)
(wow. it really sounds like I have have MPD.)
but i don't. I'm just a lost, confused, lonely teenage girl who is listening to her favorite Linkin Park song with all the feels-
I'm sick of hearing myself type. I'll be back later I guess. hopefully i'll find out where I've put myself.
one last thought
I really really resent the sun for rising every morning and letting me know that it's been another night i haven't slept at all.
First off, I'm very new to livejournal. This is my first time of having/seeing one. I don't know if there are people out their who spill their emotions out to livejournal, or if I am the only one. I don't know if anyone will read this, and I don't know if anyone will care.
If you want to know more about me, well then
First off, this is not a pretty story. Actually, it's not even a story right now. Right now you're just getting the hard facts.
I am an insomniac. Currently, it's 2AM and I haven't slept in over 38 hours. I take sleeping pills, but sometimes they just don't work. Most of the time, it's okay. I've just been having some extra problems lately and I don't know why.
Second, I am a cutter. When I use the word AM here, it's because I will always be a cutter. I've mostly stopped, but sometimes the addiction still rears its ugly head, and probably will from time to time for the rest of my life. Over the past year, I think I've cut less than 3 times.
It's the weirdest thing though. I used to cut because I was majorly depressed, suicidal, and just needed a release from my inner pain. (sounds so cliche right?) but then I just... stopped. At first it was tough, sure, but then it's like I just buried the emotions somewhere, and now I can't find them.
The last time I cut was a few weeks ago, partly because I was triggered by a story I read and partly because I just felt so empty, I just wanted to feel again. Most of the time I just drown my emotions out by watching loads of TV and movies and writing fanfic and getting involved in fandoms. And that's great, it's a really good distraction, but lately I just haven't been able to feel anything.
I'm either depressed or I'm just... not anything. I guess you could say I'm a spiritual person. I don't like religion, but I believe in the Bible and Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit. I belong to a Methodist Church, and my youth group has been what's gotten me through the worst times in my life.
Back when I was first trying to get help, I was so close to God. Because I needed Him and relied on Him to get me through the day. But ever sense I stopped cutting, I've just felt so far.
It's like I'm stranded in this giant desert with no way out.
I'm afraid if I open up and show my emotions, I will go spiraling down into that pit of despair. I don't know anything other than depression and this numbness that's take over my life.
Numb. I've become so numb. I can't feel you there... I've become so tired, so much more aware.
Wow. I just realized how much that song really relates to me right now. Numb by Linkin Park if you didn't get that.
I'm so busy, I don't have time for- okay that's a lie. I'm just gonna stop myself there. I have internship at the church and colorguard and school and theatre and marching band season and drama at the church and worship band- and yet I have all this time that I spend on the computer obsessing over One Direction and Darren Criss and Harry Potter.
I don't know where this rambling has gone off to, but I think the point I'm trying to make is that i'm smothering myself.
i want to be more like me and less like you (you being the me that I don't like. the me that is numb and unfeeling, instead of the me that I've buried somewhere and can't find.)
(wow. it really sounds like I have have MPD.)
but i don't. I'm just a lost, confused, lonely teenage girl who is listening to her favorite Linkin Park song with all the feels-
I'm sick of hearing myself type. I'll be back later I guess. hopefully i'll find out where I've put myself.
one last thought
I really really resent the sun for rising every morning and letting me know that it's been another night i haven't slept at all.