Fic: I Can't Love You
Title: I Can't Love You
Author: liebedance
Pairing/Characters: James/Lily
WIP/Length: Complete, 1,800 words
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst
Summary: James can't not love Lily. It's who he is. And, while Lily will date him, she can't love him. She just can't.
Part I :: Fire
It’s over, James.
The words pounded in his head, reverberating, each repeat seemingly louder and clearer than the previous. Each reiteration was a red hot stab at his heart. Over and over, he replayed it in his mind, unable to stop it.
How could three words hurt so much?
He should have known it was too good to last. He should have realised that Lily wouldn’t want to be with him forever. Not after she’d spent years dismissing him, insulting him, turning her nose up at his marauding ways.
But it had felt so right. They had fit together better than even James could have anticipated. Years of bickering and explosive fights had led them to know each other better than either of them recognized.
They knew the ins and outs of each other’s tempers, what exactly to say to push the other just far enough, but not over the line that should not be crossed. They knew the other’s weaknesses. They knew what phrase, what word would stop the fight. It was an art, a dance on the edges between hatred and love. And nobody played it better than James Potter and Lily Evans.
Once Lily had lightened up enough and James had grounded himself enough for them to be friends, it was easy. The intimacy that had grown from their verbal battles allowed them to slip from friendship to relationship with barely a hitch. The past few months, when James had had Lily to call his girlfriend, to touch, to hold, to love had easily been the best few months of his life.
Being with Lily wasn’t everything he’d thought it would be, of course. He’d thought her perfect, had placed her on a pedestal in his mind. As he got to know her better James realised that the pedestal he’d built was not the place for Lily to be. But he never stopped loving her. He loved her, not only for her intelligence and hard work but for her stubborn pride, not only for her independence but for her fear of being considered dependent.
And James had thought she had loved him as well, thought she felt the same way he did. She kissed him as though it were the end of the world and one last touch of their lips would stop the destruction. The look in her eyes when green met hazel held enough passion that just one moment was enough for a life time, but left him wanting more. When they sat alone in the common room late at night after homework and Head duties were done, the entire world, the War, classes, and everything melted away and they were just Lily and James and they were in love.
At least, that’s what he’d thought.
“I love you, Lily,” he had said as the two of them walked along the lake two hours previously.
“I’ve heard,” she had laughed lightly, blowing off the profession as though it were nothing worth caring about.
“No, really, Lily, I love you,” James had repeated, stopping mid-stride and grabbing her small hands in his big ones. “I love you.”
“You just think you love me, James,” Lily had answered. “You’ve been saying it for years. You don’t love me. You still just love the idea of me, the Lily Evans that you have up on your shelf of perfection, the Lily Evans that can do no wrong.”
“True,” James had admitted, “I did hold you on a pedestal once and claim to love you, but it is different now. Have you not realised that I haven’t claimed to love you in over a year, until now? Lily, I love you. I love your faults and your eccentricities as well as everything about you that is good. I love you.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Lily had responded, her brows furrowed slightly as she looked into James eyes.
“Tell me you love me. I know you do, Lily,” James had replied in a soft voice. There was no arrogance - no bullying-in the statement. It was more of a question, a plea.
“I don’t know, James,” Lily had whispered. “I don’t know that I love you.”
“Is it so hard to say?” His voice had taken on a tone of concern. He lifted his hand to Lily’s face and placed it gently on her cheek. “Is it so hard to admit that you love me?”
“You say it like you know it’s true,” Lily had argued, but she hadn’t moved away from James’ hold on her. “But I don’t know that it’s true. I can’t let you tell me how I feel. I can’t say it if I don’t know that it’s true.”
“But, it is, Lily,” James had said, so intensely that Lily thought she’d fall apart and say it just to make him smile. “I can feel it and I know you could feel it too, if you’d just let yourself.”
And then she had finally pulled back, broken eye contact.
“I don’t love you, James,” she had said to the ground. “I’m sorry if you thought I did, if you thought this was something it wasn’t, but I don’t love you. I don’t… I don’t love you. I can’t love you, James. And I can’t believe that you love me.”
“Can’t? You couldn’t go out with me, you couldn’t kiss me, you just couldn’t. Merlin, Lily, I thought we were past the ‘I can’t’s here. Well, if we’re going to play this game again, I can’t keep fighting for this when you won’t meet me halfway. Relationships are two way streets, Lily. I can’t do it all. I can’t push aside everything for something you can’t try to make work. I can’t keep loving you if you can’t even believe that I love you.”
“Then I guess it’s over, James,” had been her answer.
And now, two hours after the three words, James sat alone in the common room, staring at the empty fireplace. The coals had gone out over an hour before.
Everything he’d done, it seemed, had been for Lily. He’d shown off for her. He’d hexed Snape for her. He’d changed for her. She’d been the light of his life for over six years and that, like the fire, was out.
Three words ran through his head, a dull pain now. Even this was no longer red-hot.
It’s over, James.
Part Two :: Passed
A day passed since Hogwarts’ favourite couple had broken up. Nobody believed it.
They thought James’ tired eyes and lack of smile was due to a failed late-night marauding adventure. To them, Lily’s eyes weren’t too bright, her smile wasn’t too cheerful. They hadn’t sat together at lunch because they both wanted to spend time with their friends.
Two days passed. People were whispering.
James was, once again, hounded by girls trying to get on his good side. They ignored his quiet dismissals, willing and eager to make use of Lily’s leftovers. They ignored his angry outbursts, all of them convinced that they could save him from his “Post-Lily-Depression.”
These same girls shot Lily dirty glances for daring to hurt James Potter. They whispered insults under their breath, just loud enough for the Head Girl to hear, as they passed her. And her lack of response, her reluctance to deduct points only proved that they were right.
A week passed. Everybody seemed to have forgotten.
Sirius, Peter, Remus, and James sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter and Sirius were playing a game of wizard’s chess; James and Remus had several potions books open in front of them.
“On what page did you find the information about the precise effects of lacewing flies in the brewing of Polyjuice Potion?” Remus asked, not looking up from his book.
“What?” James answered, distractedly.
Remus repeated his question.
“Oh,” James said, “I haven’t the slightest idea. Is our essay on Polyjuice Potion?”
“Yes,” Sirius said, looking over from his game of chess, “even I know that.”
“I guess I’m just distracted,” James sighed.
“Lily?” Peter asked carefully.
James didn’t answer.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius tried.
James was easily the most sentimental of the Marauders. He always said that talking about things helped you sort through them. Not only had he applied this point of view when forcing Sirius to talk about his family and Remus to talk about his lycanthropy, but he had used it as a constant excuse to talk about Lily Evens.
For the first time since the boys had met on the train, however, Lily was the last person James wanted to talk about. He’d told his friends that they’d broken up, but there hadn’t been any more details. James had insisted that he didn’t want to talk about it, that he was fine. After three days of this, Remus and Peter had given up. Sirius, however, kept trying to get James to talk.
“There’s nothing to say,” James answered blandly.
The portrait hole opened and Lily walked into the Common Room with two of her friends, laughing and giggling over something Marlene had said. She was the picture of light heartedness, hair slightly messy and eyes squinted in mirth as she leaned on her friends.
Lily’s and James’ eyes met from across the common room, a brief and silent dialogue of passion.
“It’s too distracting in here,” James muttered, shoving his books into his bag in an attempt to put out the fire. “I’m going to the library.”
Two weeks passed. The Ravenclaws were growing used to seeing James Potter alone in the library.
“James?”
The question was quiet and unsure, as though the speaker wasn’t sure she what wanted to think or to ask, wasn’t sure she wanted there to be a reply.
“Lily.”
The answer was cold and certain as though the speaker knew exactly what he thought and that he wanted to keep these thoughts hidden.
“Your friends told me I could find you here.”
“And I thought that, being marauders, they’d know how to lie a bit better.”
It would have been a joke at one time.
“Can we talk?”
“I don’t know, can we?”
“James,” Lily tried again, “please? I can’t live like this, James. I can’t live without you in my life anymore.”
“Can’t?” James asked, looking into her eyes, trying to mask the hurt and hope he felt.
“Can’t,” Lily confirmed, breaking eye contact and looking down at the table. “I can’t live without you; I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt all the time.”
“All I hear is ‘can’t,’ Lily,” James sighed. “And I told you, I can’t do this. Not like this.”
“I can meet you halfway,” Lily said softly. “I can fight for this. I can try to make this work. I can believe that you love me.”
“Why now?” James asked hoarsely. “What changed?”
“I realised... I can love you. And I do.”
Author: liebedance
Pairing/Characters: James/Lily
WIP/Length: Complete, 1,800 words
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst
Summary: James can't not love Lily. It's who he is. And, while Lily will date him, she can't love him. She just can't.
Part I :: Fire
It’s over, James.
The words pounded in his head, reverberating, each repeat seemingly louder and clearer than the previous. Each reiteration was a red hot stab at his heart. Over and over, he replayed it in his mind, unable to stop it.
How could three words hurt so much?
He should have known it was too good to last. He should have realised that Lily wouldn’t want to be with him forever. Not after she’d spent years dismissing him, insulting him, turning her nose up at his marauding ways.
But it had felt so right. They had fit together better than even James could have anticipated. Years of bickering and explosive fights had led them to know each other better than either of them recognized.
They knew the ins and outs of each other’s tempers, what exactly to say to push the other just far enough, but not over the line that should not be crossed. They knew the other’s weaknesses. They knew what phrase, what word would stop the fight. It was an art, a dance on the edges between hatred and love. And nobody played it better than James Potter and Lily Evans.
Once Lily had lightened up enough and James had grounded himself enough for them to be friends, it was easy. The intimacy that had grown from their verbal battles allowed them to slip from friendship to relationship with barely a hitch. The past few months, when James had had Lily to call his girlfriend, to touch, to hold, to love had easily been the best few months of his life.
Being with Lily wasn’t everything he’d thought it would be, of course. He’d thought her perfect, had placed her on a pedestal in his mind. As he got to know her better James realised that the pedestal he’d built was not the place for Lily to be. But he never stopped loving her. He loved her, not only for her intelligence and hard work but for her stubborn pride, not only for her independence but for her fear of being considered dependent.
And James had thought she had loved him as well, thought she felt the same way he did. She kissed him as though it were the end of the world and one last touch of their lips would stop the destruction. The look in her eyes when green met hazel held enough passion that just one moment was enough for a life time, but left him wanting more. When they sat alone in the common room late at night after homework and Head duties were done, the entire world, the War, classes, and everything melted away and they were just Lily and James and they were in love.
At least, that’s what he’d thought.
“I love you, Lily,” he had said as the two of them walked along the lake two hours previously.
“I’ve heard,” she had laughed lightly, blowing off the profession as though it were nothing worth caring about.
“No, really, Lily, I love you,” James had repeated, stopping mid-stride and grabbing her small hands in his big ones. “I love you.”
“You just think you love me, James,” Lily had answered. “You’ve been saying it for years. You don’t love me. You still just love the idea of me, the Lily Evans that you have up on your shelf of perfection, the Lily Evans that can do no wrong.”
“True,” James had admitted, “I did hold you on a pedestal once and claim to love you, but it is different now. Have you not realised that I haven’t claimed to love you in over a year, until now? Lily, I love you. I love your faults and your eccentricities as well as everything about you that is good. I love you.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Lily had responded, her brows furrowed slightly as she looked into James eyes.
“Tell me you love me. I know you do, Lily,” James had replied in a soft voice. There was no arrogance - no bullying-in the statement. It was more of a question, a plea.
“I don’t know, James,” Lily had whispered. “I don’t know that I love you.”
“Is it so hard to say?” His voice had taken on a tone of concern. He lifted his hand to Lily’s face and placed it gently on her cheek. “Is it so hard to admit that you love me?”
“You say it like you know it’s true,” Lily had argued, but she hadn’t moved away from James’ hold on her. “But I don’t know that it’s true. I can’t let you tell me how I feel. I can’t say it if I don’t know that it’s true.”
“But, it is, Lily,” James had said, so intensely that Lily thought she’d fall apart and say it just to make him smile. “I can feel it and I know you could feel it too, if you’d just let yourself.”
And then she had finally pulled back, broken eye contact.
“I don’t love you, James,” she had said to the ground. “I’m sorry if you thought I did, if you thought this was something it wasn’t, but I don’t love you. I don’t… I don’t love you. I can’t love you, James. And I can’t believe that you love me.”
“Can’t? You couldn’t go out with me, you couldn’t kiss me, you just couldn’t. Merlin, Lily, I thought we were past the ‘I can’t’s here. Well, if we’re going to play this game again, I can’t keep fighting for this when you won’t meet me halfway. Relationships are two way streets, Lily. I can’t do it all. I can’t push aside everything for something you can’t try to make work. I can’t keep loving you if you can’t even believe that I love you.”
“Then I guess it’s over, James,” had been her answer.
And now, two hours after the three words, James sat alone in the common room, staring at the empty fireplace. The coals had gone out over an hour before.
Everything he’d done, it seemed, had been for Lily. He’d shown off for her. He’d hexed Snape for her. He’d changed for her. She’d been the light of his life for over six years and that, like the fire, was out.
Three words ran through his head, a dull pain now. Even this was no longer red-hot.
It’s over, James.
Part Two :: Passed
A day passed since Hogwarts’ favourite couple had broken up. Nobody believed it.
They thought James’ tired eyes and lack of smile was due to a failed late-night marauding adventure. To them, Lily’s eyes weren’t too bright, her smile wasn’t too cheerful. They hadn’t sat together at lunch because they both wanted to spend time with their friends.
Two days passed. People were whispering.
James was, once again, hounded by girls trying to get on his good side. They ignored his quiet dismissals, willing and eager to make use of Lily’s leftovers. They ignored his angry outbursts, all of them convinced that they could save him from his “Post-Lily-Depression.”
These same girls shot Lily dirty glances for daring to hurt James Potter. They whispered insults under their breath, just loud enough for the Head Girl to hear, as they passed her. And her lack of response, her reluctance to deduct points only proved that they were right.
A week passed. Everybody seemed to have forgotten.
Sirius, Peter, Remus, and James sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. Peter and Sirius were playing a game of wizard’s chess; James and Remus had several potions books open in front of them.
“On what page did you find the information about the precise effects of lacewing flies in the brewing of Polyjuice Potion?” Remus asked, not looking up from his book.
“What?” James answered, distractedly.
Remus repeated his question.
“Oh,” James said, “I haven’t the slightest idea. Is our essay on Polyjuice Potion?”
“Yes,” Sirius said, looking over from his game of chess, “even I know that.”
“I guess I’m just distracted,” James sighed.
“Lily?” Peter asked carefully.
James didn’t answer.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius tried.
James was easily the most sentimental of the Marauders. He always said that talking about things helped you sort through them. Not only had he applied this point of view when forcing Sirius to talk about his family and Remus to talk about his lycanthropy, but he had used it as a constant excuse to talk about Lily Evens.
For the first time since the boys had met on the train, however, Lily was the last person James wanted to talk about. He’d told his friends that they’d broken up, but there hadn’t been any more details. James had insisted that he didn’t want to talk about it, that he was fine. After three days of this, Remus and Peter had given up. Sirius, however, kept trying to get James to talk.
“There’s nothing to say,” James answered blandly.
The portrait hole opened and Lily walked into the Common Room with two of her friends, laughing and giggling over something Marlene had said. She was the picture of light heartedness, hair slightly messy and eyes squinted in mirth as she leaned on her friends.
Lily’s and James’ eyes met from across the common room, a brief and silent dialogue of passion.
“It’s too distracting in here,” James muttered, shoving his books into his bag in an attempt to put out the fire. “I’m going to the library.”
Two weeks passed. The Ravenclaws were growing used to seeing James Potter alone in the library.
“James?”
The question was quiet and unsure, as though the speaker wasn’t sure she what wanted to think or to ask, wasn’t sure she wanted there to be a reply.
“Lily.”
The answer was cold and certain as though the speaker knew exactly what he thought and that he wanted to keep these thoughts hidden.
“Your friends told me I could find you here.”
“And I thought that, being marauders, they’d know how to lie a bit better.”
It would have been a joke at one time.
“Can we talk?”
“I don’t know, can we?”
“James,” Lily tried again, “please? I can’t live like this, James. I can’t live without you in my life anymore.”
“Can’t?” James asked, looking into her eyes, trying to mask the hurt and hope he felt.
“Can’t,” Lily confirmed, breaking eye contact and looking down at the table. “I can’t live without you; I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt all the time.”
“All I hear is ‘can’t,’ Lily,” James sighed. “And I told you, I can’t do this. Not like this.”
“I can meet you halfway,” Lily said softly. “I can fight for this. I can try to make this work. I can believe that you love me.”
“Why now?” James asked hoarsely. “What changed?”
“I realised... I can love you. And I do.”