Ugliness
I just watched the movie "Beastly". It's a good movie, but it got me thinking, about beauty mainly. If you don't know, it's a modern take on "Beauty and the Beast". In the end, the Beauty sees that the Beast, while ugly outside, is beautiful inside. That premise makes me think, makes me realize. Probably think too much, but whatever. No matter how beautiful I make myself outside- different hair color, waxed brows, waxed lip- I will be ugly inside. Even with God's Grace, I'm not one of those shining, happy people that are a joy to be around. I'm one of those dark, twisted people who makes everyone around her miserable. When I'm doing Physical Therapy I can pretend (successfully, even) to be somebody different, but outside of that, when I'm just myself... this is why I'm alone. No matter how I try to hide it, no matter what masks I put up, everyone will always catch a glimpse, out of the corner of their eye, of that dark, twisted, dreary, miserable person, and they will instinctively stay away from me because of that. And no matter how hard I try to change myself, better myself, I will always, always be ugly inside. The gleam of Christ inside is the one thing that keeps me from being truly hideous. Maybe it would be better for myself if I realized that now, instead of later, when I'm alone and lonely and hating God and wondering why. If I remind myself every day how ugly my soul is, I can continue to love God, and know that through my ugliness, loving Him is really the only thing I'm good for. Thank God cats can't sense ugly.