(no subject)
How much longer can I keep up this charade? We went out to check the jet boat yesterday and talked some more. I told him everything again, how he has been leading me on, how hard it is for me to accept that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, how impossible it seems to me that he can’t look towards our future together when that is all I see. He said he feels like he has been consistent, that his feelings and how he presents them to me are steady. I realize now, as I didn’t yesterday, that he really means this. His feelings have stayed absolutely constant. He is consistently apathetic about me. He loves me just enough to keep me around. But somewhere, he feels socially obligated to add on from time to time, so he puts on this fake face of love and caring and tells me snippets of what he thinks he should tell me. But it is all completely fake.
I told him I can deal with this, I can reframe my thinking and enjoy this little time we have left. But I can’t trust him. I’ll never be able to believe the sweet things he says, not if I want to keep my sanity, want to stay with him. He nods and says he understands. How can he! How can he say he loves me, wants me, and in the same breath tell me he understands that I can’t trust him? How can he accept that?
All I want is for someone to love me as I am, unconditionally. I want someone to fall madly in love with me for once, not the other way around! I’m so tired of waiting, of pushing the ones I love away with my eagerness for them to love me back. Oliver asks, why can’t I just wait, give him time, it takes him longer to develop feeling. Well I’m sick of waiting. Why should I have to wait until you get so used to me that you just assume it is love? I deserve to have someone just love me. You shouldn’t have to work at it.
He told me that when this ends, he believes it will be a graceful parting. How can he say things like that to me and expect me to smile and agree? This is so fucked, we know we will breakup, we just haven’t decided the particulars of when. I should just leave now, so that I am not left again. But I can’t. I love him too much. In spite of all this. So I wait.
I told him I can deal with this, I can reframe my thinking and enjoy this little time we have left. But I can’t trust him. I’ll never be able to believe the sweet things he says, not if I want to keep my sanity, want to stay with him. He nods and says he understands. How can he! How can he say he loves me, wants me, and in the same breath tell me he understands that I can’t trust him? How can he accept that?
All I want is for someone to love me as I am, unconditionally. I want someone to fall madly in love with me for once, not the other way around! I’m so tired of waiting, of pushing the ones I love away with my eagerness for them to love me back. Oliver asks, why can’t I just wait, give him time, it takes him longer to develop feeling. Well I’m sick of waiting. Why should I have to wait until you get so used to me that you just assume it is love? I deserve to have someone just love me. You shouldn’t have to work at it.
He told me that when this ends, he believes it will be a graceful parting. How can he say things like that to me and expect me to smile and agree? This is so fucked, we know we will breakup, we just haven’t decided the particulars of when. I should just leave now, so that I am not left again. But I can’t. I love him too much. In spite of all this. So I wait.