The Big Talk
Yesterday we somewhat spontaneously decided that we would have our food and smoking extravaganza. So in the afternoon after class we ran about, shared half a burrito at Laparilla, got snacks and liquor at the store (in case his friends didn’t come through, which they didn’t) and rented Mad Max Beyond the Thunder dome and another movie, and bought a pie! After all the ridiculous running around, we spent the evening eating outlandish amounts of snacks and drinking So Co and lime and wine. Oliver’s friend Ben was in town (but would be for a week) and his buddies called all night trying to get him to come out. I asked several times if it was ok, if they knew I was with him. He very vehemently told me yes. I believed him, at first.
When we finally got to bed, we started in on that oh so familiar topic of spring, and decided we should talk about some tough subjects we didn’t bring up before. This was sparked by the conversation I had with my parents earlier, when they told me to follow my heart, to drop everything for love and follow Oliver. This was sparked by my mother saying, if he really loved me, he would make room for me in his life, and me finally realizing she was right. That I deserved to be loved that much, that I was sick of being the needy one in the relationship. He went first. As it turned out, I didn’t even get a chance to go.
He talked about how every time he looked to the future and tried to picture me in it, he didn’t see me happy. He said I wouldn’t be happy in the winter times in Alaska, wouldn’t like Alaska in general, that I didn’t want to travel the world for months at a time, and that I wouldn’t like being left alone while he traveled with family and friends. He “realized” I wouldn’t be happy with his life. I acknowledged that he might feel that way, and then corrected him. I had never been to Alaska, how did he know I wouldn’t like it, when did he ever say he wanted to stay in Alaska in the winters anyways, that I want to travel just not for months in one place, and why would he have leave me alone? Then I told him what seemed obvious to me, that when I look at the future I think in terms of us, and when he looks to the future he thinks in terms of him. I think of all the ways I can bend to meet him, and he only thinks of how I would fit into his life now, exactly as he envisions it. There is no room for me, no room at all for compromise.
If I thought that was bad, I was being very naïve. We began talking about how he wasn’t quite sure he really wanted to break up in May, but that he didn’t know if I could be alone all summer, which sounded a lot to me like he didn’t know if I could be faithful all summer. Ouch. He said he wanted to just be with me, it would be so easy if he could be with me this summer. I told him, I’ve said it before and I’ll stand by it, if you would only have me, I would come to Alaska. He looked at me with what I thought was hope in his eyes, and said, do you mean that? Yes. What do you mean, to come visit? And I said no, to stay. His eyes get wide and he says, you mean the whole summer? I say yes, if you’d have me. And he says, Danielle, that is so scary, I’m sorry but, but… I’m just not ready for that. And I realize that what I took for hope was merely fear, and for a second time in this relationship I am left with my heart on the floor and my love unreturned. That once again, someone loves me, but not enough to really matter.
I tell him as much, say, so you love me, you just don’t love me enough. He says he is sorry, that it is all so new, he has never felt like this before. Of course, of course. I try to hold together, but I feel like my body is breaking apart. I ask him if I can cry, and when he says yes I do, for a long time. He just holds my back and mumbles, I’m sorry, into my neck. Later as I try to pull myself together, he looks so hurt and tells me he feels like an absolute asshole. I reassure him, no no, its not your fault. Because, as hurt as I am, it isn’t his fault I fell harder than he did. And as bad as it hurts, there is still a chance that his feelings will grow and change. Maybe a summer from a distance will only make it more obvious that we can't be apart, that he does love me enough, does need me in his life. Or maybe a summer alone will make my own needs more clear, our differences more apparent, and we will see it wasn’t meant to be.
We finally fall asleep around 5am, cried out on my end. I awake at 8:30, the phone keeps ringing. I get a sinking feeling, it is a restricted number. I listen to the message and it is the doctor from my clinic, saying my Pap test came back abnormal, please call back right away. It turns out I have low grade changes, severe enough to warrant a colposcopy , where they will insert a microscope into my cervix and cut out circular pieces of the abnormal tissue to be biopsied. As she talks me through my options all I can think is cancer cancer cancer. They will cut out my uterus, I will never have children. Barren. Cancer. I make the appointment ($150-$450) and go sit on the bed next to Oliver. His eyes are wide and he asks me, baby, what’s wrong? I tell him I need to go to the doctor, I had an abnormal pap. Then he holds me and I just feel like, ok, what’s next?
When we finally got to bed, we started in on that oh so familiar topic of spring, and decided we should talk about some tough subjects we didn’t bring up before. This was sparked by the conversation I had with my parents earlier, when they told me to follow my heart, to drop everything for love and follow Oliver. This was sparked by my mother saying, if he really loved me, he would make room for me in his life, and me finally realizing she was right. That I deserved to be loved that much, that I was sick of being the needy one in the relationship. He went first. As it turned out, I didn’t even get a chance to go.
He talked about how every time he looked to the future and tried to picture me in it, he didn’t see me happy. He said I wouldn’t be happy in the winter times in Alaska, wouldn’t like Alaska in general, that I didn’t want to travel the world for months at a time, and that I wouldn’t like being left alone while he traveled with family and friends. He “realized” I wouldn’t be happy with his life. I acknowledged that he might feel that way, and then corrected him. I had never been to Alaska, how did he know I wouldn’t like it, when did he ever say he wanted to stay in Alaska in the winters anyways, that I want to travel just not for months in one place, and why would he have leave me alone? Then I told him what seemed obvious to me, that when I look at the future I think in terms of us, and when he looks to the future he thinks in terms of him. I think of all the ways I can bend to meet him, and he only thinks of how I would fit into his life now, exactly as he envisions it. There is no room for me, no room at all for compromise.
If I thought that was bad, I was being very naïve. We began talking about how he wasn’t quite sure he really wanted to break up in May, but that he didn’t know if I could be alone all summer, which sounded a lot to me like he didn’t know if I could be faithful all summer. Ouch. He said he wanted to just be with me, it would be so easy if he could be with me this summer. I told him, I’ve said it before and I’ll stand by it, if you would only have me, I would come to Alaska. He looked at me with what I thought was hope in his eyes, and said, do you mean that? Yes. What do you mean, to come visit? And I said no, to stay. His eyes get wide and he says, you mean the whole summer? I say yes, if you’d have me. And he says, Danielle, that is so scary, I’m sorry but, but… I’m just not ready for that. And I realize that what I took for hope was merely fear, and for a second time in this relationship I am left with my heart on the floor and my love unreturned. That once again, someone loves me, but not enough to really matter.
I tell him as much, say, so you love me, you just don’t love me enough. He says he is sorry, that it is all so new, he has never felt like this before. Of course, of course. I try to hold together, but I feel like my body is breaking apart. I ask him if I can cry, and when he says yes I do, for a long time. He just holds my back and mumbles, I’m sorry, into my neck. Later as I try to pull myself together, he looks so hurt and tells me he feels like an absolute asshole. I reassure him, no no, its not your fault. Because, as hurt as I am, it isn’t his fault I fell harder than he did. And as bad as it hurts, there is still a chance that his feelings will grow and change. Maybe a summer from a distance will only make it more obvious that we can't be apart, that he does love me enough, does need me in his life. Or maybe a summer alone will make my own needs more clear, our differences more apparent, and we will see it wasn’t meant to be.
We finally fall asleep around 5am, cried out on my end. I awake at 8:30, the phone keeps ringing. I get a sinking feeling, it is a restricted number. I listen to the message and it is the doctor from my clinic, saying my Pap test came back abnormal, please call back right away. It turns out I have low grade changes, severe enough to warrant a colposcopy , where they will insert a microscope into my cervix and cut out circular pieces of the abnormal tissue to be biopsied. As she talks me through my options all I can think is cancer cancer cancer. They will cut out my uterus, I will never have children. Barren. Cancer. I make the appointment ($150-$450) and go sit on the bed next to Oliver. His eyes are wide and he asks me, baby, what’s wrong? I tell him I need to go to the doctor, I had an abnormal pap. Then he holds me and I just feel like, ok, what’s next?