(no subject)
Oh my god… thank you god. I woke up today and I feel sane again. Thank god for being moody. I don’t feel like life is amazing, but I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t feel like hurting myself anymore. I’m okay. He’s distant enough from my mind where I can think straight and not go psycho. I don’t think I’ll be speaking to him again for a while. If he tries to plead with me again, he should know damn well that there’s a huge reason why I’m refusing contact. I don’t hate him, either, though. I just don’t care. What happens will happen, what doesn’t happen won’t happen, and whatever happens is for the best. If he doesn’t love me I don’t love him either. Oh my god this is amazing. This has to be a miracle. Thank you jesus. Thank you, good night’s sleep.
I had a dream, and this must be SO symbolic. I was at my old house, the one I lived in from when I was 4 to about 9. It’s a nice big house. I didn’t like it when I was a kid. In the dream he was there, in my mind, and I was desperate and he was looking the other way… I felt deep loss and rejection, and tempted to call him and tell him I was at my old house again, and to come check it out, because it was really cool and I thought he would like it (he has an appreciation for old houses and things like that). Ofcourse I never did that, even in the dream. I restrained myself. We had a huge fish tank, and I asked my mom where alll these crazy fish came from…. there were so many of them and they were wild colors, and when I put my fingers in the fish tank, the squid got attached to my fingers… and I was like WTF? and a little grossed out. Probably because last night I went out to a bar with my crazy greek housemate and it was very snooty and ritzy and he puked into his hand and put it on the table… so all these little disgusting things kept happening in my dream.
Here’s the symbolic part. I was in the bathroom and there was a trash can. But I had just moved so I diddn’t know why the same trash was still there. The trash can was full of nothing but empty perfume boxes… I have a ridiculous impulsive habit of buying cheap tacky girly perfume. I stared at the trash can and stared at all the perfume boxes and thought about all the times I wanted to smell all pretty for him. He always loved the way I smelled.
The symbolism is that everything is going to be okay. I’m still beautiful, I still have my crazy perfume collection, and all the empty boxes are in the trash. The trash can represented letting go of all the trash…. my staring at it for a while and it having some signifigance for me… well, that’s why.
I hope I stay feeling this way. It’s still a little bit hard to generally just let go of the situation and let it run its course. But atleast I’m not crying and wanting to die!!! and I don’t care if he doesn’t call me. I don’t care if he doesn’t text me. I’m going back home soon for a little while, and even though I’m going back to the same old isolation, there is hope that something can change. All my old friends will be there, and I can see them all whenever I want to! I still want to cry when I think about him moving to New York. Ofcourse he’s going to meet another girl. Ofcourse he’s going to fall in love with her. But there’s nothing I can do about any of this.
I had a dream, and this must be SO symbolic. I was at my old house, the one I lived in from when I was 4 to about 9. It’s a nice big house. I didn’t like it when I was a kid. In the dream he was there, in my mind, and I was desperate and he was looking the other way… I felt deep loss and rejection, and tempted to call him and tell him I was at my old house again, and to come check it out, because it was really cool and I thought he would like it (he has an appreciation for old houses and things like that). Ofcourse I never did that, even in the dream. I restrained myself. We had a huge fish tank, and I asked my mom where alll these crazy fish came from…. there were so many of them and they were wild colors, and when I put my fingers in the fish tank, the squid got attached to my fingers… and I was like WTF? and a little grossed out. Probably because last night I went out to a bar with my crazy greek housemate and it was very snooty and ritzy and he puked into his hand and put it on the table… so all these little disgusting things kept happening in my dream.
Here’s the symbolic part. I was in the bathroom and there was a trash can. But I had just moved so I diddn’t know why the same trash was still there. The trash can was full of nothing but empty perfume boxes… I have a ridiculous impulsive habit of buying cheap tacky girly perfume. I stared at the trash can and stared at all the perfume boxes and thought about all the times I wanted to smell all pretty for him. He always loved the way I smelled.
The symbolism is that everything is going to be okay. I’m still beautiful, I still have my crazy perfume collection, and all the empty boxes are in the trash. The trash can represented letting go of all the trash…. my staring at it for a while and it having some signifigance for me… well, that’s why.
I hope I stay feeling this way. It’s still a little bit hard to generally just let go of the situation and let it run its course. But atleast I’m not crying and wanting to die!!! and I don’t care if he doesn’t call me. I don’t care if he doesn’t text me. I’m going back home soon for a little while, and even though I’m going back to the same old isolation, there is hope that something can change. All my old friends will be there, and I can see them all whenever I want to! I still want to cry when I think about him moving to New York. Ofcourse he’s going to meet another girl. Ofcourse he’s going to fall in love with her. But there’s nothing I can do about any of this.