(no subject)
The one time I start to feel anything, ofcourse it's immense pain. Ofcourse it's heartbreak. Ofcourse I'm stupid enough to let it happen again. Ofcourse I obsess, freak out, and ofcourse I'm drenching my bed in tears, going absolutely insane with no outlet, no way to make myself better, no suggestions able to make me feel good again, no feelings of safety or warmth, just sitting in darknesss, tears just flowing out of me endlessly. I'm sitting in a fucking river. Alone. Again. I thought I was finally okay alone. I thought we'd be okay again. He's not using drugs anymore. I saw his good side. I cared, and let him back in. And this is what i get for caring. Scared. Fear. Wanting to bleed. I think I'm okay, I think I can fight this borderline, I think I'm in a better place... and now I feel worse than literally I've ever felt. I thought I let him back in for a reason. Maybe I did. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing. He was so sweet to me. He told me it would all be okay. I can't do anything. I can't seem to do anything, or it always fails, backfires, and crushes me. I'm going to bleed again. Ofcourse. This is the sad story I always live in. That I always create because I don't know anything better. This crying isn't going to stop. People are going to ask me what's wrong, and it's going to be really awkward. I'm not going to want to say anything. I don't want help. I just want to feel better.