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You Know You Drink Too Much When...
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties.
You have a "happy hour" at home
When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?
You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land
Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
Your favorite drink is ethanol.
"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!"
"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender."
You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before
Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while
You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast
You frequently urinate outdoors.
When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.
You fall asleep taking a dump.
You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.
You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
You find it's easier to study drunk.
You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.
Beer ads make sense.
You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
You mix your cocktails by the litre.
You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.
When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
"Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
"Take me drunk, I'm home!"
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
You drink to get over a hangover.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.
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You Know You're Addicted to AIM When...
Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences...
You're pissed off your buddy list can only hold 200 screen names
You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing
You can now type over 70 wpm
You type messages to people who are right next to you or on the phone with you.
You won't work at a company that blocks AIM
You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from other people
You have a few screen names, some of them secret.
You type in random screen names, just to see if anyone has them.
Your screenname has the year 2002 or earlier in it.
You know what %n means
You don't break for the bathroom - even though you've got to go real bad - until you think of a witty away message.
You check the away messages of your buddies, every day, to make sure they haven't changed.
You have a few people on your buddy list just to spy on them.
You've had a meaningful conversation with a bot.
You learned Photoshop to make a super cool buddy icon
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to AIM.
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You Know You're Addicted to LiveJournal When...
If you can't access the site, you have a minor freak out - and a major case of hitting reload.
You found yourself composing journal entries during dates, movies, even sex!
When you're out, you suddenly think of a witty reply to a comment somebody made to you... several days ago.
You actually call it LJ and not Livejournal. Check.
You've downloaded some sort of LJ program which has only the purpose of making entries easier to write without going on the site manually.
You consider it a great offense if someone deletes you off their friend's list.
The first thing you do every day when you go online is check your friends journals - even before checking your email.
You actually paid money for a few extra pictures with a full account when you could actually just alternate pics when you want to for your screen icons.
When your friends ask what's new, you get mad at them because you already wrote it in your LJ and they didn't check it yet.
You have put more time into LJ than all your assignments for the semester.
You have more friends on LJ than in real life.
You've met at laest 50% of your LJ friends.
You can't seem to call your friends by their real names - only LJ names will do.
You've fallen in love with someone you met on LJ.
You have posted about a party or get together on your LJ... and random strangers showed up.
You are guilty of traveling more than an hour to meet someone with LiveJournal. (Extra points for traveling five hours or more)
You've written a protected entry about one of your LiveJournal friends. (Extra points if they eventually found out about it)
You have written posts to notify people you're going to sleep.
You talk about your LJ friends to your real life friends all the time... like they're a part of your group.
You've created a LJ community, and people actually post in it.
You've been recognized in real live by a fellow LJ'er.
You have friended someone because of their LiveJournal icon.
You have "pity friends" on your list, who you would defriend if you could.
You've pimped one of your friends on journal, trying to get people to friend him / her.
Instead of doing research, you post difficult questions on your LiveJournal.
Your pets all have their own LiveJournals.
You know, right now, how many people have friended you (without peeking).
You've stopped being friends with someone in real life because of something they've said on LJ.
You're guilty of posting sexy or nude pictures to get more people to friend you.
You have consoled yourself after a horrible day thinking "At least this will make a great LJ post"
You're jealous of people who have more friends and / or comments than you.
You have written a really great, solid post - only to be disappointed by the lack of good comments.
You're guilty of commenting excessively to get more traffic to your journal.
You've deleted a post a few minutes (or hours) after you've written it, because it seemed lame in retro spect.
You give shout outs to all your LJ friends on their birthdays.
You have an additional, secret journal that hardly anyone knows about.
You've broken up with someone - or ended a friendship - soley via LiveJournal.
You have gotten mean anonymous comments (bonus points for figuring out who it was via their IP)
You've been reported (or reported someone) to LJ Abuse.
You've been featured on LJ Drama.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are LJ addicts.
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You Know You're a Pothead When...
You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.
Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle.
Your bong is taller than your dog.
It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.
You set your wedding date for 4/20.
You take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.
You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.
You start every sentence with - uhhh!.
You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.
You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.
You wear sunglasses at night, and see better.
You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.
Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.
Your bong gets washed more than your dishes.
You sell your car for gas money
You are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?"
You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!
Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....
Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.
Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said "Hi" and you said "Yep."
You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.
You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.
You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.
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Your Summer Anthem is Beverly Hills by Weezer
Where I come from isn't all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me
Your weird, wacky summer will be better than any summer in the Hamptons!
What's Your 2005 Summer Anthem?
Your Porn Star Name is: Nurse Naughty
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