(no subject)
i'm really excited because my new phone is coming within three days. finally; i'm like the last person on earth to own a cell phone. it's a camera phone. i love my mom because she's sweet & my stepdad because he insists upon buying my love.
my dad and i got into a fight today and i think i really hurt his feelings because i flat out told him that i hate him. usually he doesn't take that serious when i say it, but this time i made it clear to him by saying "i hate you, and no not in the teenage angst sort of way, i hate the person you are and i hate you as a dad and oh my GOD i hate you". and this is all true but i think if i really did hate him i wouldn't feel so bad right now. sometimes i act way too much like a brat, i was seriously so much cooler when i was 12. i am the same exact bitchy i'm-angry-at-the-world teenager that i promised myself before i would never be.
i am really one of those kids that parents don't want their kids to turn out to be. i do everything parents don't want their kids to do. the only thing i don't do is mess around with guys and have promiscuous sex and all that bullshit. i do everything because i want to have fun, even though i'm perfectly aware that there are other fun things besides drugs and alcohol. i really need to realize that i am only fourteen. the only thing i have is my brain - i don't have any talent, i just do okay in school, and if i keep fucking up my brain then i won't even have that and then i'm screwed.
i am just so ridiculously two-sided, one side of me wants to go out and have "fun", and the other side of me WISHES that my dad would just fucking say NO for once. it's so stupid that honestly sometimes i have to TELL my dad to be more strict with me. i really do, and that is really silly. i have to be the parent for myself. this is probably the main reason why i want to move with my mom, because she is more strict and that will be better for me in the long run. i haven't had a parental authority figure in four years. so maybe living with my mom for a year or two will tone me up and get in touch with REALITY. so if you're my friend, don't be mad because i'm choosing to move and leave you all or think that i don't care, i am doing this for myself.