(no subject)
I wanted to share with other parents or people who work with Children, a wonderful book that I recently read. Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn. As an Attachment Parent, I found that this book is very in line with my parenting goals.
In the first 1/2 of the book, Kohn presents much of the research that supports the fact that rewards have the same negative impact on children as punishments do. Essentially they are two sides of the same coin and it's the coin that is bad. Whether you are punishing your child/student when bad or praising them/ rewarding them when they are good, the ultimate message is the same. I like you when you please me, but maybe I don't like you when you displease me. The research that initially surprised me, but made sense when I thought about it, is that with children, it isn't our intentions that matter, so much as their perceptions. We may be intending to demonstrate love for our children when we put them in a time out instead of spanking them, but for our children it is often perceived as a withdrawal of our love. Kohn knows that much of what he is presenting goes against common perceptions, so he provides significant research as evidence of the negative consequences of rewards and praise.
In the second 1/2 of the book, Kohn provides the alternative options available to parents. Ultimately it is about listening and communicating with your children. We need to stop doing to and start working with kids. If our goal is to have children who take personal pride in their actions, who take joy in the learning, not in the grade, who care for others more than for themselves, then we need to take our parental focus and emphasis off of shaping their behavior. Rather than disciplining our children we need to work on partnering with them to solve problems. Ultimately, our children gain a deeper moral understanding without our potentially undermining our relationship. Kohn is very intentionally about ensuring that this does not mean we let kids do whatever they want. We have a responsibility to guide them, but if our ultimate goal is to raise thoughtful, considerate children, then we shouldn't be seeking blind obedience from them as children.
x-posted in attachedparents
In the first 1/2 of the book, Kohn presents much of the research that supports the fact that rewards have the same negative impact on children as punishments do. Essentially they are two sides of the same coin and it's the coin that is bad. Whether you are punishing your child/student when bad or praising them/ rewarding them when they are good, the ultimate message is the same. I like you when you please me, but maybe I don't like you when you displease me. The research that initially surprised me, but made sense when I thought about it, is that with children, it isn't our intentions that matter, so much as their perceptions. We may be intending to demonstrate love for our children when we put them in a time out instead of spanking them, but for our children it is often perceived as a withdrawal of our love. Kohn knows that much of what he is presenting goes against common perceptions, so he provides significant research as evidence of the negative consequences of rewards and praise.
In the second 1/2 of the book, Kohn provides the alternative options available to parents. Ultimately it is about listening and communicating with your children. We need to stop doing to and start working with kids. If our goal is to have children who take personal pride in their actions, who take joy in the learning, not in the grade, who care for others more than for themselves, then we need to take our parental focus and emphasis off of shaping their behavior. Rather than disciplining our children we need to work on partnering with them to solve problems. Ultimately, our children gain a deeper moral understanding without our potentially undermining our relationship. Kohn is very intentionally about ensuring that this does not mean we let kids do whatever they want. We have a responsibility to guide them, but if our ultimate goal is to raise thoughtful, considerate children, then we shouldn't be seeking blind obedience from them as children.
x-posted in attachedparents