hmmmmm....
Just now I caught a grasshopper, just to prove to myself I could.
I know that as my children grow up there will be things I can't do with them because my joints are deteriorating long before they are supposed to. It hurts when I think about it. I have spent the first 6 1/2 months of Ezra's life mourning these things that I have lost.
I've been thinking about my parents a lot lately. They've been going through some heavy shit lately, and as a result my mum has been living with us for three months. It has been a trying time, trust me. But I felt I had to do it. Not because I felt I owed my mum anything, but simply for the fact that my parents unhappiness breaks my heart. To the core, it shatters me to think of all the hurt there has been in my family. How could I not try to help them find some measure of happiness?
My childhood memories are not all good. In fact alot of them are pretty bad. And when I try to figure out why it all went wrong, I realize it was because of the choices wer all made. My family makes choices that cause us to be in negative situations. I've spent a lot of years working hard to learn how to make choices that will bring happiness to my life. I slip up though, as pretty much everyone does once in a while and make choices that bring negativity and anger into my life. Maybe because of stress, maybe because of my depression, maybe because of my arthritis causing me so much pain, maybe none of the above.
I've been doing it a lot lately. And I need to stop because it's stupid and pointless.
I want to live a happy life.
So I can choose now. Do I keep mourning the things I know I will never have, or do I celebrate the things I will have?
I can catch grasshoppers with Ezra, and I think that might make me kind of a cool mom.
I know that as my children grow up there will be things I can't do with them because my joints are deteriorating long before they are supposed to. It hurts when I think about it. I have spent the first 6 1/2 months of Ezra's life mourning these things that I have lost.
I've been thinking about my parents a lot lately. They've been going through some heavy shit lately, and as a result my mum has been living with us for three months. It has been a trying time, trust me. But I felt I had to do it. Not because I felt I owed my mum anything, but simply for the fact that my parents unhappiness breaks my heart. To the core, it shatters me to think of all the hurt there has been in my family. How could I not try to help them find some measure of happiness?
My childhood memories are not all good. In fact alot of them are pretty bad. And when I try to figure out why it all went wrong, I realize it was because of the choices wer all made. My family makes choices that cause us to be in negative situations. I've spent a lot of years working hard to learn how to make choices that will bring happiness to my life. I slip up though, as pretty much everyone does once in a while and make choices that bring negativity and anger into my life. Maybe because of stress, maybe because of my depression, maybe because of my arthritis causing me so much pain, maybe none of the above.
I've been doing it a lot lately. And I need to stop because it's stupid and pointless.
I want to live a happy life.
So I can choose now. Do I keep mourning the things I know I will never have, or do I celebrate the things I will have?
I can catch grasshoppers with Ezra, and I think that might make me kind of a cool mom.