FIC: Midnight at the Death Eatery
Featuring LIVE entertainment every night!
Never let it be said that karma doesn’t have a sick - no really, I wouldn’t even do this to Voldemort! - sense of humor… An alternate universe of what should have, could have - ah, hell, just enjoy the crack!
Notes:
This is not a story. I don’t know what this is. So…here it is!
Disclaimer: Ahem, YES I am temporarily jacking J.K. Rowling's ish so I can create some ish of my own (that I don't really own). Satisfied Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury Press and other assorted evil corporate overlords? Good. Now on to the story.
Excerpts from the (unofficial) report on the progress of the Death Eater Occupational Rehabilitation initiative.
Authored by Prisoner Rehabilitation Liaison No. THX-1138, Department of Magical Law Enforcement
0oo0oo0
Former Potions Master Severus Snape is the cook. His ribs are to die for. Just don’t ask who - I mean what, I definitely said what - they came from.
Bellatrix Lestrange is the coat check girl. For the love of Merlin do not forget your receipt. That girl’s got an itchy wand finger. Nothing like a little crucio to sharpen your memory! Sure, go ahead, live dangerously anddon’t tip…
Lucius Malfoy is the head dishwasher. Yeah his luxuriously long mane of silvery blonde hair does trail into the dish water. But he conditions it religiously so the plates get an extra layer of shine.
Narcissa Malfoy is the head waitress. So, nope, she ain’t gettin’ you fries with that. And if you’re really nice she might even tell you - in between manicures - what’s really in that hamburger. Then again, she told Voldie that Harry was dead, so…
Voldemort is host of the Amazing Marvolo Magic Show! …no-oo-oo he hasn’t yet mastered pulling a rabbit out of a hat. But, for a little gratuity, he can put a piece of your soul in it (Bunny horcrux - yeah!) Plus, Bella always volunteers to be cut in half. One day he might even get it right. She keeps hoping. That’s our Bella, a true team player!
To be continued (maybe)...
Notes:
Yeah...it's been a long year. So anyhoo, I may or may not have gotten inspiration from Not Exactly Dickens' gloriously cracky "In Snape's Kitchen," which can be found on the Occlumency website at http://occlumency.sycophanthex.com/viewuser.php?uid=7127
Just sayin'...