(no subject)
Everything keeps getting worse and worse and worse!
I am so fucking angry!
So, I had checked myself in to recieving treatment at the Charles County Department of Health and Mental Hygeine. So, I'm not commited or anything, but I have weekly therapy visits and a doc and all that good shit. I started going recently about... 3weeks ago. I was so depressed and such. Life wasn't so good. So the Phil thing happened... they think I'm sad because of him. I move out of the house... things still are bad.
Then out of the blue I don't remember one of my therapy sessions, and they're like come back in! I HAVE to see you a second time this week. I'm like, "Uhh... why?"
My therapist let me know that she talked with her superviser, and they think that I have D.I.D (Disocciative Identity Disorder) with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. Well, Doc, What the fuck does that mean?
Well... in a nut shell... somehting so traumatic and horrifying happened to me and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings of pain, hurt and fear so I have created another identity to deal with it. On top of things, my insomnia is a result of the PTSD. I am too afraid to sleep so that it is next to impossible to sleep or stay asleep. When I do sleep it is always shallow enough to wake up to the slightest sound. Hoorah, huh?
Yes, I feel pain. I always feel pain, and for reasons I know not. Often I feel like just crying or I cowar at a situation. I horrified to do somehing wrong.... it's really hard to go on with life. Now, I need a more 'rigorous' treatment. More medicine, more intense sleep aids, more therapy... and a mapping of my identities.
Ok... I have multiple identities? What's their names buddy? I don't know anything. They keep asking me that when I am not Ann, what do I feel?
Well, I don't know.... I just remember being angry, but I don't remember what we talked about last session.
She wants to talk to my other identity again, but I don' tknow how to cue a change. I just remember being angry. I want to cry. My whole life seems to be falling apart. I don't want to be crazy.
I believe her though. I have several gaps in my memory.
Its horrible... all the medications, all the therapy sessions, all the sadness has me just blocking everything out. I feel so catatonic these days. I'm missing myself more and more. It seems like I'm regressing into a dark hole that's warm. What about those I am letting down?
I haven't been doing my work. i haven't been cleaning. I havent been checing my mail. I've been skipping work. Who knows when the last time I touched RPGamer was. I tried to do a post... I couldn't get a proof two different times I tried... I gave up.
I've been giving up a lot.
I'm going to quit RPGamer... I love it so much. I love the people, the environment, and the work. The art and Kashu Arashi's submissions would make my day... and Staci/Nadia... and Lackshamana... and Connor Quigley... and Doc... damn, I love them all. RPGamer is blessed wit some wonderful submitters.
My grammar has been on a decline.
It is sad.
I want ed to experience OmniArt... but I am so sick now.
My therapist said that when we get to the root of the problem and find out what happened to me to cause this there is going to be a lot more pain... I imagine it smething like getting a filling for a tooth that really hurts. It's just going to hurt more when we uncover the problem.
Because I have to go back in and deal with the pain in a healthier way. I have no idea what happened to me that was so traumatic.
but there is a good lickelyhood that I have blocked it out of my memory. Certainly the key to answering this question lies somewhere in that angry person inside me, but how do we talk to her? how do we single her out for a day?
I don't want to though... I'm afraid of all that angry. It sometimes feel slike there is a monster inside me clawing to get out. I get these intense headaches... then I go catatonic.
It's bizarre
I have let so many people down.
I hate myself for it.
I want no sympathy.
I am so fucking angry!
So, I had checked myself in to recieving treatment at the Charles County Department of Health and Mental Hygeine. So, I'm not commited or anything, but I have weekly therapy visits and a doc and all that good shit. I started going recently about... 3weeks ago. I was so depressed and such. Life wasn't so good. So the Phil thing happened... they think I'm sad because of him. I move out of the house... things still are bad.
Then out of the blue I don't remember one of my therapy sessions, and they're like come back in! I HAVE to see you a second time this week. I'm like, "Uhh... why?"
My therapist let me know that she talked with her superviser, and they think that I have D.I.D (Disocciative Identity Disorder) with a case of post traumatic stress disorder. Well, Doc, What the fuck does that mean?
Well... in a nut shell... somehting so traumatic and horrifying happened to me and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings of pain, hurt and fear so I have created another identity to deal with it. On top of things, my insomnia is a result of the PTSD. I am too afraid to sleep so that it is next to impossible to sleep or stay asleep. When I do sleep it is always shallow enough to wake up to the slightest sound. Hoorah, huh?
Yes, I feel pain. I always feel pain, and for reasons I know not. Often I feel like just crying or I cowar at a situation. I horrified to do somehing wrong.... it's really hard to go on with life. Now, I need a more 'rigorous' treatment. More medicine, more intense sleep aids, more therapy... and a mapping of my identities.
Ok... I have multiple identities? What's their names buddy? I don't know anything. They keep asking me that when I am not Ann, what do I feel?
Well, I don't know.... I just remember being angry, but I don't remember what we talked about last session.
She wants to talk to my other identity again, but I don' tknow how to cue a change. I just remember being angry. I want to cry. My whole life seems to be falling apart. I don't want to be crazy.
I believe her though. I have several gaps in my memory.
Its horrible... all the medications, all the therapy sessions, all the sadness has me just blocking everything out. I feel so catatonic these days. I'm missing myself more and more. It seems like I'm regressing into a dark hole that's warm. What about those I am letting down?
I haven't been doing my work. i haven't been cleaning. I havent been checing my mail. I've been skipping work. Who knows when the last time I touched RPGamer was. I tried to do a post... I couldn't get a proof two different times I tried... I gave up.
I've been giving up a lot.
I'm going to quit RPGamer... I love it so much. I love the people, the environment, and the work. The art and Kashu Arashi's submissions would make my day... and Staci/Nadia... and Lackshamana... and Connor Quigley... and Doc... damn, I love them all. RPGamer is blessed wit some wonderful submitters.
My grammar has been on a decline.
It is sad.
I want ed to experience OmniArt... but I am so sick now.
My therapist said that when we get to the root of the problem and find out what happened to me to cause this there is going to be a lot more pain... I imagine it smething like getting a filling for a tooth that really hurts. It's just going to hurt more when we uncover the problem.
Because I have to go back in and deal with the pain in a healthier way. I have no idea what happened to me that was so traumatic.
but there is a good lickelyhood that I have blocked it out of my memory. Certainly the key to answering this question lies somewhere in that angry person inside me, but how do we talk to her? how do we single her out for a day?
I don't want to though... I'm afraid of all that angry. It sometimes feel slike there is a monster inside me clawing to get out. I get these intense headaches... then I go catatonic.
It's bizarre
I have let so many people down.
I hate myself for it.
I want no sympathy.