You get what you give...
My uncle died unexpectedly toward the end of last week. He slipped into a diabetic coma and went peacefully. His passing seemed to crystallize a handful of thoughts and experiences that are mostly rooted in Daoist ideas that have been culminating in my mind and my heart for months or maybe even years now. These thoughts and experiences were further nourished by a seminar that's being taught by one of my teachers on "Cultivating the Healer", which he's entitled "Piercing the Truth" (I think "The Piercing Truth" is also a good title).
I'm constantly reminded every day of how personal the society around me takes things and how often they try to stick a square peg into a round hole. They always seem to be upset by the outcome, which never works out in their favor. It's like the whole world is out to get them. The truth is, the things that motivate a person to make whatever decision they choose to make in the moment often say very little about you or anyone else that's involved in that moment and instead say a lot more about the inner-workings of the initiator. In other words, it has a lot less to do with you and more to do with them, so there's really no point in taking it personally since it's really not about you.
Today, for instance... A person was pulling out of a spot in the parking lot next to me. The particular area of the parking lot I'm in wasn't designed very well. Cars are coming in from a stop light off of a busy major road, so it can be hard to find a space long enough to get out of the spot. Generally when I'm driving around this section of the parking lot I've decided to accept the fact that it's not a great design, but it is what it is. The best I can do is to drive cautiously and be courteous to those around me and understanding of the rush and stress that other people often experience in this particular area. You get what you give; it's simply the nature of the lot.
On this particular day as the person next to me started backing up and I followed suit, just past him, some lady coming from the opposite direction of the stop-light (and headed toward the stop-light, perpendicular to myself and driver #1) decided as soon as #1 backed up just enough for her to squeeze past him, she was going to gun it... Apparently she was very frustrated at the lot and the fact that we had the audacity to back up in front of her. Apparently she didn't realize I was following suit and so she had to slam her brakes before hitting me. Then, instead of letting me out of the spot, since cars were starting to come in from the stop-light and my window of operation was quickly narrowing, she just gunned it again, swerving around me partially occluding oncoming traffic, but squeezing through just in time. The man sitting in the passenger seat of her car gave the courteous "Sorry bout that" wave, but she didn't seem to share his sentiment. What did she gain from her frustration? Maybe 5 or 8 seconds less of waiting... But she lost everything.
I had nothing to do with her frustration, she's just another person trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Rather than acknowledging the situation and accepting it for what it is, she constantly battles upstream. Her car was beat to hell, she had a trash bag taped over the rear window. I didn't get more than a glance, but she looked slightly obese and haggard; angry at the world... She got what she gave and she just keeps on giving it, not able to understand why shit keeps landing on her lap. She is the perpetuator of the shit that manifests in her life.
In the realm of inter-personal relationships I had a good friend agree to help me with a favor twice and flake out on me twice. Rather than getting upset I acknowledge that he may be somewhat immature still and that whatever is going on with him is not something I should take personally. It's still frustrating, but I realize if I don't get over my frustration it'll only perpetuate more negativity in the relationship. You get what you give. I'm still not entirely sure how or if I should amend the situation somehow. I know he'll come through for me eventually, but in the meantime I suffer a little because of him. I should probably find a better way to deal with this particular situation, but I guess I'm lazy. My suffering has less to do with him, more to do with me. It would be easy for me to blame him here, but ultimately futile and unproductive.
On a final note, on the one sense it seems obvious and at the same time it seems profound. People mirror what you do and they expect to be mirrored. If someone is enthusiastic and you don't share their enthusiasm they're likely to feel you're not "connecting". If you're bitter, the people around you will often become bitter. A lot of this happens on a subconscious level. When consciousness becomes involved it can be much more interesting. A person may be grounded by your lack of enthusiasm if they realize you're consciously acknowledging their attitude and accepting of it, but refraining from partaking in it... They may show you the same courtesy and acknowledge your difference and accept it. Also, they may not. Depends on how much they like to stick square pegs in round holes. I'm sure it's all related to the mirror neuron found almost exclusively in abundance in the human brain (and also to some extent in cetaceans and greater apes).
The point is, you get what you give. And also, there's no point in trying to stick a square peg in a round hole, so stop wasting your energy. Finally, it's not worth getting upset over. Nothing drains the bodies internal energies more quickly than emotions. That doesn't mean you shouldn't express them (this is just as bad or even worse), but find positive ways to express and deal with them. I like trying to communicate effectively (which takes a lot of practice) and trying to teach myself to acknowledge the reality of any situation, rather than getting frustrated that it isn't something that it isn't (don't stick a square peg in a round hole). Shr Fu always said, "Emotions are like clouds, you have to acknowledge them and let them pass." Otherwise they cloud your mind and your judgment. All that said, there's still plenty of room for emotion in life and there are times when anger is appropriate.
I'm constantly reminded every day of how personal the society around me takes things and how often they try to stick a square peg into a round hole. They always seem to be upset by the outcome, which never works out in their favor. It's like the whole world is out to get them. The truth is, the things that motivate a person to make whatever decision they choose to make in the moment often say very little about you or anyone else that's involved in that moment and instead say a lot more about the inner-workings of the initiator. In other words, it has a lot less to do with you and more to do with them, so there's really no point in taking it personally since it's really not about you.
Today, for instance... A person was pulling out of a spot in the parking lot next to me. The particular area of the parking lot I'm in wasn't designed very well. Cars are coming in from a stop light off of a busy major road, so it can be hard to find a space long enough to get out of the spot. Generally when I'm driving around this section of the parking lot I've decided to accept the fact that it's not a great design, but it is what it is. The best I can do is to drive cautiously and be courteous to those around me and understanding of the rush and stress that other people often experience in this particular area. You get what you give; it's simply the nature of the lot.
On this particular day as the person next to me started backing up and I followed suit, just past him, some lady coming from the opposite direction of the stop-light (and headed toward the stop-light, perpendicular to myself and driver #1) decided as soon as #1 backed up just enough for her to squeeze past him, she was going to gun it... Apparently she was very frustrated at the lot and the fact that we had the audacity to back up in front of her. Apparently she didn't realize I was following suit and so she had to slam her brakes before hitting me. Then, instead of letting me out of the spot, since cars were starting to come in from the stop-light and my window of operation was quickly narrowing, she just gunned it again, swerving around me partially occluding oncoming traffic, but squeezing through just in time. The man sitting in the passenger seat of her car gave the courteous "Sorry bout that" wave, but she didn't seem to share his sentiment. What did she gain from her frustration? Maybe 5 or 8 seconds less of waiting... But she lost everything.
I had nothing to do with her frustration, she's just another person trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Rather than acknowledging the situation and accepting it for what it is, she constantly battles upstream. Her car was beat to hell, she had a trash bag taped over the rear window. I didn't get more than a glance, but she looked slightly obese and haggard; angry at the world... She got what she gave and she just keeps on giving it, not able to understand why shit keeps landing on her lap. She is the perpetuator of the shit that manifests in her life.
In the realm of inter-personal relationships I had a good friend agree to help me with a favor twice and flake out on me twice. Rather than getting upset I acknowledge that he may be somewhat immature still and that whatever is going on with him is not something I should take personally. It's still frustrating, but I realize if I don't get over my frustration it'll only perpetuate more negativity in the relationship. You get what you give. I'm still not entirely sure how or if I should amend the situation somehow. I know he'll come through for me eventually, but in the meantime I suffer a little because of him. I should probably find a better way to deal with this particular situation, but I guess I'm lazy. My suffering has less to do with him, more to do with me. It would be easy for me to blame him here, but ultimately futile and unproductive.
On a final note, on the one sense it seems obvious and at the same time it seems profound. People mirror what you do and they expect to be mirrored. If someone is enthusiastic and you don't share their enthusiasm they're likely to feel you're not "connecting". If you're bitter, the people around you will often become bitter. A lot of this happens on a subconscious level. When consciousness becomes involved it can be much more interesting. A person may be grounded by your lack of enthusiasm if they realize you're consciously acknowledging their attitude and accepting of it, but refraining from partaking in it... They may show you the same courtesy and acknowledge your difference and accept it. Also, they may not. Depends on how much they like to stick square pegs in round holes. I'm sure it's all related to the mirror neuron found almost exclusively in abundance in the human brain (and also to some extent in cetaceans and greater apes).
The point is, you get what you give. And also, there's no point in trying to stick a square peg in a round hole, so stop wasting your energy. Finally, it's not worth getting upset over. Nothing drains the bodies internal energies more quickly than emotions. That doesn't mean you shouldn't express them (this is just as bad or even worse), but find positive ways to express and deal with them. I like trying to communicate effectively (which takes a lot of practice) and trying to teach myself to acknowledge the reality of any situation, rather than getting frustrated that it isn't something that it isn't (don't stick a square peg in a round hole). Shr Fu always said, "Emotions are like clouds, you have to acknowledge them and let them pass." Otherwise they cloud your mind and your judgment. All that said, there's still plenty of room for emotion in life and there are times when anger is appropriate.