(no subject)
hey all...I forgot to mention earlier that I purged alot on my little vacation, actually since the vacation too, I dont know, for now I am not thinking of stopping the habit, whatever works right!!! so I did lose weight, I am now 160 pounds...What a total fat-ass, I spent the day with my bf yesterday and here he is telling me I am beautiful and all I thought yesterday was how fat I was, god a total fat-ass, I really didnt want to be naked and that was for sure...I havent met any of his friends, and a part of me thinks its bc I am too fat, maybe he just not proud to date me, hell I am no eye-candy and that is for sure!!!
so a total loss of 57 pounds, WOW!! I like that, of course I still have 60 pounds to go...HELL that just sounds bad!!!Right now all I can think of is the next 30 pounds and then I will worry about the 30 pounds after that!!!
Hell, I am lighter, I should be happier, anyone ever notice the thinner you are the fatter you feel....I feel so fat, the scale might as well said that I was 360 pounds, I couldnt imagine feeling fatter!!!
I had a birthday party that I went to today, I ate fried fish, hush puppies, german choclate cake, I felt full, got home purged, didnt get mush out...I guess my body already digested most of it....so here I am feeling fat, I am depressed as hell about the food, about how abnormal I feel for worrying about the food and for having an ED, I am depressed bc I feel fat and ugly, depressed bc I stuck here with my dad for the next 10 days, depressed about being abnormal sexually (I was just thinking today how much I wish that I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, that I was seriously not abused as a kid or raped a week before I met him), depressed about having a fever and feeling sick, and over all just depressed...I am so tired of feeling this way, I am tired of being abnormal, and I feel that I will forever be this way...I hate myself, my body, my mind, everything....I wish I was normal, I wish I was beautiful, I wish I was THIN....I will never be any of these things....I hate this...I wish I could stop my brain from thinking, sometimes I just wish I was dead!
so a total loss of 57 pounds, WOW!! I like that, of course I still have 60 pounds to go...HELL that just sounds bad!!!Right now all I can think of is the next 30 pounds and then I will worry about the 30 pounds after that!!!
Hell, I am lighter, I should be happier, anyone ever notice the thinner you are the fatter you feel....I feel so fat, the scale might as well said that I was 360 pounds, I couldnt imagine feeling fatter!!!
I had a birthday party that I went to today, I ate fried fish, hush puppies, german choclate cake, I felt full, got home purged, didnt get mush out...I guess my body already digested most of it....so here I am feeling fat, I am depressed as hell about the food, about how abnormal I feel for worrying about the food and for having an ED, I am depressed bc I feel fat and ugly, depressed bc I stuck here with my dad for the next 10 days, depressed about being abnormal sexually (I was just thinking today how much I wish that I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend, that I was seriously not abused as a kid or raped a week before I met him), depressed about having a fever and feeling sick, and over all just depressed...I am so tired of feeling this way, I am tired of being abnormal, and I feel that I will forever be this way...I hate myself, my body, my mind, everything....I wish I was normal, I wish I was beautiful, I wish I was THIN....I will never be any of these things....I hate this...I wish I could stop my brain from thinking, sometimes I just wish I was dead!