(no subject)
I am so pissed...why am i pissed bc my dad is driving me crazy!!! Oh my god after someone has taken everything from you, your body, your sanity, your sense of equilibrium and control you shouldnt have to tolerate talking to them in adulthood, u sure hell shouldnt be required to live with them in adulthood....I hate the sense of guilt that my mom put on me to make me live with dad bc she cant live alone, she would lose him and his money and all she ever was.was a housewife so she would never make enough money, your brother needs school paid for...oh my god this is so F*** up, why because he is coming for a whole month and I have to be around him controlling what I do every moment, controlling where i go, controlling my future and work and school, controlling who i see, i fear it, i fear him, i hope when he comes he will be in a good mood and stay that way-if not he will tend to threaten my life---he has never been very violent (occassional beatings and threats mostly, he threatened to kill me before and i slept with a locked door), i fear becoming weak again...i hate fear, i hate lack of control..
mostly though i hate myself, my life, my mind, i wish it would all go away, i WISH I WAS NORMAL........i wish i didnt have to fear people finding out how weird and messed up i am, i always fear that, even with my bf i wonder what he is thinking, i know he will never want me bc i am abnormal and strange and all that is disgusting, it disgusts me how can he be ok with it, I hate these thoughts, i hate my mind
mostly though i hate myself, my life, my mind, i wish it would all go away, i WISH I WAS NORMAL........i wish i didnt have to fear people finding out how weird and messed up i am, i always fear that, even with my bf i wonder what he is thinking, i know he will never want me bc i am abnormal and strange and all that is disgusting, it disgusts me how can he be ok with it, I hate these thoughts, i hate my mind