fic: a life without regret 38/?
Author's Note: I know it's been a while since a new chapter, but alas it's here. This one needs work I'm sure of it. But I'm never going to get around to having it exactly to my liking. I haven't updated over at SD-1 and I don't know how long that's gonna take me... so spread the word if you need to. So here it is, enjoy!
Author: Gracie
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: No, I don't own it, I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. Alias and all the characters belong to Touchstone, ABC and the talented JJ. Abrams.
Timeline: To fit in with future storylines, I have changed the time of when SD-6 was brought down. Sydney is now four months pregnant and this fic begins in early November.
Summary: Sequel to No Regrets. Trying to make normal.
Chapter 38
Sydney POV
Sitting atop of Michael, I keep a firm grip on his shoulders as I try with all my might to keep my balance perched atop of him. His hands are running all over my body and I’m squeezing my eyes shut to keep myself in control of all of the feelings cursing through my veins.
No matter how hard I tried to keep my husband at bay, it was inevitable that we’d make love before I give birth. Ever since my doctor gave us the all clear a couple of weeks ago Vaughn has been taking advantage of every possible intimate moment we share to get me in bed. It’s not that I haven’t shared the same feeling as he, but given how many weeks I am away from my due date, sex has been the absolute last thing on my mind. The funny thing is, is that it was I who initiated tonight.
I’m rocking back at forth as he thrusts inside me as much as possible given the position we are in and the friction between us is almost too much to take. He’s caressing my breasts more gently than he ever has before and even still, the feelings he is evoking within me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
The kiss that sparked tonight’s activities off earlier was nothing out of the ordinary. He was telling me some story about work and we were laughing. I’d pecked him on the lips but realized I wanted more. He didn’t push me into anything, it was all me. When I’d pulled back he sighed and that was my undoing. My hands were all over him in an instant. His shirt was the first thing to come off, then his belt. I know that my bra ended up somewhere on the staircase along with his shoes and pants; the rest of our clothing is strewn along a trail toward our bedroom. I didn’t realize that I’d wanted it so much.
His breathing is getting heavy and I’m not sure if he is as close as I am. Maybe it has been too long. I’m trying to keep off until I know he’s ready but soon I lose myself and a bright spectrum is exploding in my eyes. I don’t know how long it lasts for, but when I slide down off my high and open my eyes I realize that he’s not there.
“Vaughn?” I look down at him, his eyes shut, his brow furrowed and I know that his mind isn’t even in this room anymore. He is a thousand miles away.
I stroke his cheek, rub one hand over his forehead and use my other hand to grab his. At the same time, I squeeze his hand and thrust my hips forward gently. He comes back to me as his eyes open. I can see a cloud of guilt washing through him.
“Vaughn?” I call out to him, worried.
He only shakes his head before tilting it to the side, not even looking at me.
“Mich-“ I start to ask again but he just cuts me off.
“Syd, no, just… just…” his voice is wrapped in emotion. “Can you please just get off?”
“Vaughn, what happened?” I almost beg.
“Please Syd, just please,” he cries, gripping my hips as I slide off of him. He rolls away from me almost immediately, turning his back on me leaving me completely lost.
Sitting up, I lean over to him and place my hand on his forearm, but he shrugs me away, moving closer to the edge of the bed.
“Don’t Syd,” he almost barks.
I retreat away from him, scared about his sudden change in behaviour. I’m not sure how to react so I pull a pillow under my head and stare at the ceiling as I lie down. I can’t sit still though, needing to talk to him.
“Michael,” I start, very soft. “You didn’t…”
After a minute, “no,” he replies in a hoarse whisper, timid.
I’m not sure where to go from here and do the only thing that seems natural to me. I roll over closer to him and try placing a hand on his waist. He doesn’t pull away at first touch so I move my hand around his front as much as I can. “We can try again,” I offer.
He doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does, “You should go to sleep. I know how tired you’ve been lately.”
“Vaughn, please don’t do this,” I continue. “Come on, we’ve both been really tired lately and I know you have a lot on your plate at work, plus with the baby….” he doesn’t respond. “Please Vaughn, we can talk about this.”
He pushes my hand away and moves off the bed standing up but not even looking at me.
“I’m going to go for a run, you should go to sleep,” he says as he pulls on a pair of sweat pants and walks out of our bedroom. I watch him leave and stare at the door for a long while after I hear the front door slam shut.
I lie in bed for a while with the blankets wrapped tightly around me. Baby has been pretty active since my orgasm and I worry that I pushed myself too far. I allow my hand to dance all over my stretched belly as I run over and over again the events from tonight. I convince myself that it was my fault, not even realizing the implications of what just happened. I don’t know how I handle it but I fall into a restless sleep of worry before I even hear my husband return.
~*~*~
The following morning I wake up to find Vaughn’s side of the bed empty and cold in his absence. I worry that he hasn’t even come home after going out for a run last night but when I roll over and see his sweatpants laying across the chair on the other side of the room, my panic is slightly alleviated.
Forcing myself out of bed and pushing away my own exhaustion and aching body I swing my legs to the side and sit up, stealing a moment to take a deep breath. Getting up, I pull on a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt before wrapping my silk robe around my body and slipping on a pair of Ugg Boots. Stopping in at the bathroom for the first of many toilet breaks for the day I make my way downstairs and realize that my husband isn’t even in the house; he’s already left for work.
I allow myself to worry more than I already had been and rub my temple to soothe the headache that is already lingering. I know that what happened last night had a big effect on Vaughn but I hadn’t realized it would be this bad. I pick up the phone and speed dial one but his cell number goes straight to voicemail. The urge to speak to my husband only grows, so I dial his work phone by heart. When he doesn’t answer after the fifth ring I hang up, knowing that he is avoiding me. Trying his number at headquarters I hang up when it diverts to his voicemail there. Instead of calling his cell again, I do the only thing I can think of. I dial Weiss’ cell and he answers immediately.
“Hey, Mama Syd, what’s up darlin’?” he answers.
He doesn’t fail to put a smile on my face. “Hey Eric,” I respond. “Actually, I was just calling to see if you’ve seen Vaughn this morning?”
“Ah, yeah Syd, he’s at his desk right now,” he tells me and I can hear him turning around to check.
“Oh,” I reply despondently. “He hasn’t been answering any of my calls.”
“Did you want me to get him for you?”
I jump in straight away with “No!”
“Oh..kay. Is everything alright Syd?” he asks, genuinely concerned. I can’t help but feel his worry.
A brief thought about admitting a problem between us to him is quickly passed when I realize that what is going on between Vaughn and I is even too personal to talk to our best friends about. Instead I cover. “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine Eric. Actually, could you do me a favor?” I ask. When he doesn’t reply I continue. “Could you not tell Vaughn that I called?”
“Uhm, sure Syd. Are you sure everything is okay between you two?”
I hesitate for a moment and squeeze my eyes shut when I realize that he picks up my hesitancy. “It’s fine Eric,” I promise. “Just please, don’t tell Vaughn that I called, okay?”
“Okay Syd, I got it, not a problem,” he reassures me. “How’s my little niece doing this morning?” he asks, deftly changing the subject.
“Your nephew,” I emphasize, “…is doing wonderfully. Getting bigger everyday,” I smile and rub my ever-expanding middle. I didn’t think it was possible for me to get much bigger than I was, but I’ve been proven to be wrong.
He laughs on the other end of the phone. “That’s great Syd. You know they say the bigger you are the more likely it’s going to be a girl.”
I snort in laughter. “Who says that Eric?”
“You know, people…” he says unconvincingly.
“Riiiight. What’s the kitty up to in the whole betting thing that’s going on anyway?”
“How did you know about that?!”
I almost howl in laughter. “Come on Eric, give me a little credit. I’m going to hang up so you can get back to work now.”
“Fine,” he mumbles. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will, thank you. Bye Eric.”
“Bye Syd.”
I set myself in the kitchen and casual living area for the rest of the day, too uptight and anxious to be able to concentrate on anything else. I let Cookie out into the backyard for a run and convince myself that I’ll be able to keep an eye on him while I’m worrying about Vaughn. It doesn’t turn out that way and I catch him digging in the herb garden I’ve started, somewhere around ten.
In between the phone calls between his cell and his work number I manage to email him a few times but he doesn’t reply once. I keep rethinking things over in my head but the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. I’d thought that everything had been going well. As far as I was, I am concerned, nothing had happened to cause anything to change. I try to think about his behavior lately and realize that he has been a bit on the quieter side these past couple of days, but I had taken that down to exhaustion on both our parts. I know he’s been working hard at the office to try to get everything up to date and in order before he goes on leave in a few weeks but he had never voiced anything to me about any problems. Of course me being in the state I am lately, I quickly take that as me being a terrible wife and I start to berate myself over it all.
By noon I’m almost going out of my mind in worry and start to wonder how long he thinks he’ll be able to go before he calls me. Since we’ve been together I don’t think we’ve gone more than a few hours without the briefest of phone calls or even the occasional email checking up on one another. Even though in the back of my mind I know he’s safe and sound, my heart knows differently and takes the upper hand.
When the little hand hits two I’m about ready to go into the office myself and drag him home. I’m interrupted from that thought when I hear his car pull into the driveway. I make my way to the front door as fast as I can which, these days is about as fast as a turtle in the slow Olympics.
I reach the foyer just as he’s opening the front door and practically jump into his arms. He loses his footing for the briefest moment and quickly regains, burying his head in the crook of my neck and breathing me in.
“I love you,” I repeat over and over like a mantra, trying to get through to him. “I love you so much Vaughn.” Pushing him away from me a little, I cradle his face in my hands and stroke his skin. He keeps his eyes closed and I know that after everything that has happened, he can’t even bear to look at me. My heart just breaks in two and I’m not sure if it is because I am so worried about him or whether it is because he’s embarrassed to be around me. Maybe it is a mix of both.
When I am least expecting it, he opens his mouth and says four simple words and I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a wonderful sound. “I love you too.” His eyes open slowly and I quickly notice that they’re bloodshot, most likely from very little sleep last night and god knows what he’s been thinking today. All the anger I had built up toward him from not returning my calls and going haywire on me for the past twelve hours suddenly disappears as I cradle his face again and bring him closer to me, dropping a kiss on his forehead.
Right now, I don’t care if he talks to me. He’s come back to me and for this moment in time, that’s all that I care about.
~*~*~
Late that night I wake up from a miserable sleep only to find that the other side of the bed is empty again. Rubbing my eyes, I try to make out the numbers on the clock and realize that it’s very early the following morning. Combining the fact that I have to pee again and knowing that I need to go in search of my husband I get myself out of bed and waddle over to the bathroom.
Once done there, I head downstairs and as soon as I reach the landing, notice the light spewing into the bottom floor of the otherwise dark house from the kitchen. One thing I love about this house is the amazing back room that we have. On the right side of the house we have our amazing kitchen, there’s a little breakfast nook built in next to the back door. To the left we have a generous sized living area set up, complete with a full entertainment unit, couches and a coffee table. We’ve been able to fit so much in there and when we’re by ourselves, is the room Vaughn and I spend most of our time aside from our bedroom. We have everything in there that we need for ourselves and often find that many of the other rooms are neglected.
From the doorway of the dining room I can see Vaughn, his back facing me as he sits on the lounge chair directly opposite from the TV. He’s leaning over on something that I can’t see on the coffee table and from the sounds of it, assume it is a book of some sort. Softly padding my way toward him, he looks up when he realizes I’m there and gives me a small hint of a smile. I return it and corner around the lounge and lower myself to sit next to him.
Looking down at the table I find that the book he is looking at is an old photo album that his mother brought over and left for him here from France. Taking a closer glimpse I recognize some of the people in the photos, most notably shots of a much younger Vaughn standing alongside the man I recognize as his dad, as well as other various shots.
I loop my arm around his that is leaning on his knee and lean the side of my chin on his shoulder. He continues to flip the pages, taking in each photo with great detail before moving to the next.
“I messed up, I’m sorry,” he admits moments later in a hoarse tone. He turns his head to look at me and I gaze up at him, urging him with my eyes that I want to hear more than just that.
He turns his attention back to the album and just starts talking. “I don’t know what happened last night. One minute I was all for it and then I don’t know…” he shakes his head.
“Vaughn, I’m not angry with you,” I tell him. “I don’t think anything less of you because you didn’t...”
“But that’s just it Syd. You don’t… but I do.” He sinks his head, “God I feel so messed up.”
“Welcome to my world,” I jest, nudging him. He looks up and I smile at him.
“That’s never happened before Syd…” he tells me and the look on his face all but breaks me.
I’m hesitant, not really knowing how to handle this situation for a number of reasons. “Okay…
“Is it because of me?” I ask, needing to know for me.
“No!” he insists straight away. “You have no idea what you do to me Syd. All I see when I look at you is love and beauty and strength and so much more. I know that I’m with you and I never want to be with anyone else. Ever.
“And now I’m scared because I keep thinking that you’re going to want to be with someone else because you’re married to man who’s a failure…”
“A failure? Oh god Vaughn, no!” I tell him. “You know what I see when I look at you? I see everything you say you see in me. I wake up in the morning and look at you and have to pinch myself to keep believing it’s true. That I am married to the most amazing, wonderful, generous, strong, devoted man in the entire world. You love me Michael Vaughn, in no way that anyone has ever loved me. God Vaughn, when we go out, regardless of whether I’m with you or not, women ogle at you. Do you know the sense of pride I get out of that?
“What happened last night, it doesn’t make me love you any less, it makes me love you more. And Vaughn, you’re no less of a man because of it, I want you to know that and remember that.”
He’s crying by the end of my declaration and I know that this conversation is not stopping here. There is more on my husband’s mind than just last night and I am determined to get everything out of him. Hesitantly, I pull him toward me and he rests his head on my chest, his ear right over my heart. I stroke him calmly.
“I’m scared Syd, I’m so scared,” he admits.
I run a soothing hand through his hair, “Scared of what honey?”
“Everything.”
“Everything?” I ask. He only nods as his sobbing increases. “Hey, come on Vaughn, talk to me, I’m right here.”
“It’s his anniversary today.”
I quickly run through my mind what he is talking about and in a split second everything falls into place. Quickly, I run through the dates in my head and scald myself when I realize for not remembering today. HIs behaviour from the past few days finally makes complete sense. If the moment wasn’t so serious, I’d slap myself upside the head.
Not sure of what to say, I ask him. “Is that what you’re scared about?”
He wipes the tears from his eyes and takes a few deep, shuddering breaths. “Yes. No… God Syd, I miss him so much,” he states, the sobbing racking over his body and he loses it again. I rub his back and whisper to him, soothing him until he calms down again. It takes a long while, his sobbing and sniffling the only noise that can be heard in the black of night. My heart is breaking for him.
“I remember the day of this photo,” he chokes out as he sits up, pointing to a square photo at the bottom of the right page. I peer over to take a good look at it. Vaughn is dressed in a red t-shirt and shorts, a baseball cap facing the wrong way. His dad is standing over him in similar clothing, trying to pry a baseball glove onto Vaughn’s hand.
“I think I was five or six and it was summer. He had me on the ice ever since I could walk but baseball wasn’t something he’d introduced to me until later on. He brought me home my first catcher’s glove and we played catch until well into the night. Mom had to practically drag us inside. By the end of the summer there was no turning back… at least until the ice was laid and the hockey season started,” he laughs lightly.
“How am I going to do it, Syd? What do I know about being a dad? I don’t even have a father so what the hell would I know about fatherhood? I’m so scared that I’m going to be the worst dad in the world and our child is going to grow up resenting me because I screwed up somewhere along the line,” he blurts out and looks at me for answers.
“Do you think I know how to be a mom Vaughn? Don’t you think that I’m not scared as hell as well? I’m freaking out as well but I felt, I feel safe because I have you, and if I have you I’d be okay, we’d be okay because we’ll figure it out together.
“Is this what you’re scared about Vaughn? Are you scared about becoming a dad?” I question him.
His voice is shaky when he answers… “Yes.”
“Oh god Vaughn, why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because I was afraid of what you’d think. Because I was always the one comforting you I worried how you’d react if you know I was falling to pieces as well,” he admits.
“Honey, you’re not falling to pieces. Not at all,” I reassure him. “And heck, if you are, I am as well but you know, I think considering it all, we’re both entitled to feel a little scared about this. I mean everything has happened so fast. Having a baby, getting married… I mean they’re both huge steps and this has all been in the past six months. We’ve barely taken a breather to let it all sink in, and before we know it, we’re going to be bringing a baby home. A baby Vaughn! God I don’t think I even know how to hold a baby!” I laugh.
“And you think I do?” he asks me seriously.
“You don’t?” I ask worried, my whole demeanor changing.
“Nope.”
“But I thought you used to baby sit Jin when they lived in LA?”
“Yeah but she wasn’t a baby then. She was well past the baby stage,” he chuckles.
I can’t help but laugh over the seriousness of this. “Some parents we’re going to be, huh?”
“We’ll figure it out,” he promises, grabbing my hand. “Together.”
“Well look who’s all sure of himself now,” I joke.
He half smiles at me and I can still see concern etched all over his features. “What can I say, I have this amazing wife.”
~*~*~
When I woke up this morning in my husbands’ arms, I could hardly believe the difference twenty-four hours could make, for both him and me.
Last night I made a silent promise to myself that I would be more attentive to Vaughn from now on, no matter how tangled up I get in this pregnancy. So while he was in the shower, I got myself up prepared breakfast for him. We ate at a leisurely pace as we read the newspaper; we both knew that there was no need for deep conversation this morning. I could really feel that we stepped over a major hurdle after we talked last night.
Shortly after he left for work I showered and readied myself for the day ahead of me. There was one place I knew I had to visit and I had to do it soon before I talked myself into a mess again. I knew that there is only one person I know who could convince me otherwise, one person I know who is a fabulous wife to her husband and mother to her two children.
Dianne Dixon.
I pull up into the Dixon’s driveway and see Dianne hosing her garden and when she sees me, turns off the hose and heads on over, a warm smile to greet me.
“Sydney darling, it’s wonderful to see you. To what do I owe this surprise?” she asks me.
Dianne has been wonderful ever since the take down of SD-6. From what I can understand, she and Marcus when through a rough patch for a while there when he uncovered the secrets he had been hiding for all of these years, but in the end, they survived. I can see that there is more love between my former partner and his wife than ever before. Since I returned from hiding she has accepted me fully, regardless of my past. We’ve even gone out shopping and to lunch and a movie on occasion and she calls me every week and offering help whenever I needed it. I of course, have always declined her generous offers, never feeling the need for her help.
Until today of course.
“Hi Dianne,” I say, accepting her hug. I pull a basket of muffins out of my car that I picked up on my way over here and stand up in front of her. “I actually came to take you up on that help you’re always offering.”
She smiles, understanding and ushers me inside. Sitting me down at the kitchen table, she puts on the kettle and organizes some of the muffins on a plate.
“How are you doing, you’re getting really big,” she chuckles.
I look down at my belly and stroke it, feeling little jabs here and there. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so huge,” I laugh.
“Oh I know the feeling. With Steven I felt exactly the same way. Then when I had Robin, I was wishing to be as small as I was with Steven,” she tells me, recalling her own pregnancies.
“Great, that’s something to look forward to,” I roll my eyes. She just laughs at me. “How are they anyway?” I ask about the kids.
“They’re wonderful. They’re doing wonderfully. Did Marcus tell you that Steven’s basketball team made it to the regional finals?”
“No he didn’t, but wow, that’s great. You must be so proud,” I comment.
“I am, we are,” she nods, bringing two cups of tea over to the table and sitting across from me. “And Robin, well she’s at that age. Everything is boys, boys, boys. I’m sure she’s going to give Marcus a heart attack before the end of the year,” we both laugh. “But you didn’t come here to hear about the kids, what’s on your mind?” she enquires.
I fiddle with the teacup in my hand and look down at my playing fingers. How do mothers get so intuitive? I take a deep breath and try to figure out what it is that I want to ask.
“How do you know? I mean, when you were pregnant, did you worry about what type of mother you’d be? Did Marcus worry about being a good dad, or were you both excited and ready for it to happen?” I blurt out, certainly leaving nothing amiss.
She smiles knowingly and puts her hand on my arm. “We were terrified.”
I look up at her and she’s watching me. “Really?” I ask, amazed.
“Yes, really,” she nods. “I was alright, maybe a little nervous; until I went into labor of course and then I was going crazy that I was about to be a mother! Marcus on the other hand, he went through this whole period right before where he was certain that he was doomed to be the worst father in the history of fathers.”
I can’t help but cry, recognizing that same feelings from Vaughn and I. “So how did you, I mean, what changed that?”
She sighs in though and looks me straight in the eye. “Afterward, when the baby is born and you’re so exhausted you just want everyone to stop hovering so you can sleep, this little baby is placed in your arms. You’re holding this little baby, this little person that’s yours and you have to look after. And you look down and this feeling rushes right through you and you just… you know.”
I try to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall but it’s useless. Through the tears I tell her as genuinely as I can… “Thank you.”
She keeps smiling at me, knowing how I’m feeling. “You’re welcome sweetheart.”
TBC
Author: Gracie
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: No, I don't own it, I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. Alias and all the characters belong to Touchstone, ABC and the talented JJ. Abrams.
Timeline: To fit in with future storylines, I have changed the time of when SD-6 was brought down. Sydney is now four months pregnant and this fic begins in early November.
Summary: Sequel to No Regrets. Trying to make normal.
Chapter 38
Sydney POV
Sitting atop of Michael, I keep a firm grip on his shoulders as I try with all my might to keep my balance perched atop of him. His hands are running all over my body and I’m squeezing my eyes shut to keep myself in control of all of the feelings cursing through my veins.
No matter how hard I tried to keep my husband at bay, it was inevitable that we’d make love before I give birth. Ever since my doctor gave us the all clear a couple of weeks ago Vaughn has been taking advantage of every possible intimate moment we share to get me in bed. It’s not that I haven’t shared the same feeling as he, but given how many weeks I am away from my due date, sex has been the absolute last thing on my mind. The funny thing is, is that it was I who initiated tonight.
I’m rocking back at forth as he thrusts inside me as much as possible given the position we are in and the friction between us is almost too much to take. He’s caressing my breasts more gently than he ever has before and even still, the feelings he is evoking within me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
The kiss that sparked tonight’s activities off earlier was nothing out of the ordinary. He was telling me some story about work and we were laughing. I’d pecked him on the lips but realized I wanted more. He didn’t push me into anything, it was all me. When I’d pulled back he sighed and that was my undoing. My hands were all over him in an instant. His shirt was the first thing to come off, then his belt. I know that my bra ended up somewhere on the staircase along with his shoes and pants; the rest of our clothing is strewn along a trail toward our bedroom. I didn’t realize that I’d wanted it so much.
His breathing is getting heavy and I’m not sure if he is as close as I am. Maybe it has been too long. I’m trying to keep off until I know he’s ready but soon I lose myself and a bright spectrum is exploding in my eyes. I don’t know how long it lasts for, but when I slide down off my high and open my eyes I realize that he’s not there.
“Vaughn?” I look down at him, his eyes shut, his brow furrowed and I know that his mind isn’t even in this room anymore. He is a thousand miles away.
I stroke his cheek, rub one hand over his forehead and use my other hand to grab his. At the same time, I squeeze his hand and thrust my hips forward gently. He comes back to me as his eyes open. I can see a cloud of guilt washing through him.
“Vaughn?” I call out to him, worried.
He only shakes his head before tilting it to the side, not even looking at me.
“Mich-“ I start to ask again but he just cuts me off.
“Syd, no, just… just…” his voice is wrapped in emotion. “Can you please just get off?”
“Vaughn, what happened?” I almost beg.
“Please Syd, just please,” he cries, gripping my hips as I slide off of him. He rolls away from me almost immediately, turning his back on me leaving me completely lost.
Sitting up, I lean over to him and place my hand on his forearm, but he shrugs me away, moving closer to the edge of the bed.
“Don’t Syd,” he almost barks.
I retreat away from him, scared about his sudden change in behaviour. I’m not sure how to react so I pull a pillow under my head and stare at the ceiling as I lie down. I can’t sit still though, needing to talk to him.
“Michael,” I start, very soft. “You didn’t…”
After a minute, “no,” he replies in a hoarse whisper, timid.
I’m not sure where to go from here and do the only thing that seems natural to me. I roll over closer to him and try placing a hand on his waist. He doesn’t pull away at first touch so I move my hand around his front as much as I can. “We can try again,” I offer.
He doesn’t respond immediately, but when he does, “You should go to sleep. I know how tired you’ve been lately.”
“Vaughn, please don’t do this,” I continue. “Come on, we’ve both been really tired lately and I know you have a lot on your plate at work, plus with the baby….” he doesn’t respond. “Please Vaughn, we can talk about this.”
He pushes my hand away and moves off the bed standing up but not even looking at me.
“I’m going to go for a run, you should go to sleep,” he says as he pulls on a pair of sweat pants and walks out of our bedroom. I watch him leave and stare at the door for a long while after I hear the front door slam shut.
I lie in bed for a while with the blankets wrapped tightly around me. Baby has been pretty active since my orgasm and I worry that I pushed myself too far. I allow my hand to dance all over my stretched belly as I run over and over again the events from tonight. I convince myself that it was my fault, not even realizing the implications of what just happened. I don’t know how I handle it but I fall into a restless sleep of worry before I even hear my husband return.
~*~*~
The following morning I wake up to find Vaughn’s side of the bed empty and cold in his absence. I worry that he hasn’t even come home after going out for a run last night but when I roll over and see his sweatpants laying across the chair on the other side of the room, my panic is slightly alleviated.
Forcing myself out of bed and pushing away my own exhaustion and aching body I swing my legs to the side and sit up, stealing a moment to take a deep breath. Getting up, I pull on a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt before wrapping my silk robe around my body and slipping on a pair of Ugg Boots. Stopping in at the bathroom for the first of many toilet breaks for the day I make my way downstairs and realize that my husband isn’t even in the house; he’s already left for work.
I allow myself to worry more than I already had been and rub my temple to soothe the headache that is already lingering. I know that what happened last night had a big effect on Vaughn but I hadn’t realized it would be this bad. I pick up the phone and speed dial one but his cell number goes straight to voicemail. The urge to speak to my husband only grows, so I dial his work phone by heart. When he doesn’t answer after the fifth ring I hang up, knowing that he is avoiding me. Trying his number at headquarters I hang up when it diverts to his voicemail there. Instead of calling his cell again, I do the only thing I can think of. I dial Weiss’ cell and he answers immediately.
“Hey, Mama Syd, what’s up darlin’?” he answers.
He doesn’t fail to put a smile on my face. “Hey Eric,” I respond. “Actually, I was just calling to see if you’ve seen Vaughn this morning?”
“Ah, yeah Syd, he’s at his desk right now,” he tells me and I can hear him turning around to check.
“Oh,” I reply despondently. “He hasn’t been answering any of my calls.”
“Did you want me to get him for you?”
I jump in straight away with “No!”
“Oh..kay. Is everything alright Syd?” he asks, genuinely concerned. I can’t help but feel his worry.
A brief thought about admitting a problem between us to him is quickly passed when I realize that what is going on between Vaughn and I is even too personal to talk to our best friends about. Instead I cover. “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine Eric. Actually, could you do me a favor?” I ask. When he doesn’t reply I continue. “Could you not tell Vaughn that I called?”
“Uhm, sure Syd. Are you sure everything is okay between you two?”
I hesitate for a moment and squeeze my eyes shut when I realize that he picks up my hesitancy. “It’s fine Eric,” I promise. “Just please, don’t tell Vaughn that I called, okay?”
“Okay Syd, I got it, not a problem,” he reassures me. “How’s my little niece doing this morning?” he asks, deftly changing the subject.
“Your nephew,” I emphasize, “…is doing wonderfully. Getting bigger everyday,” I smile and rub my ever-expanding middle. I didn’t think it was possible for me to get much bigger than I was, but I’ve been proven to be wrong.
He laughs on the other end of the phone. “That’s great Syd. You know they say the bigger you are the more likely it’s going to be a girl.”
I snort in laughter. “Who says that Eric?”
“You know, people…” he says unconvincingly.
“Riiiight. What’s the kitty up to in the whole betting thing that’s going on anyway?”
“How did you know about that?!”
I almost howl in laughter. “Come on Eric, give me a little credit. I’m going to hang up so you can get back to work now.”
“Fine,” he mumbles. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will, thank you. Bye Eric.”
“Bye Syd.”
I set myself in the kitchen and casual living area for the rest of the day, too uptight and anxious to be able to concentrate on anything else. I let Cookie out into the backyard for a run and convince myself that I’ll be able to keep an eye on him while I’m worrying about Vaughn. It doesn’t turn out that way and I catch him digging in the herb garden I’ve started, somewhere around ten.
In between the phone calls between his cell and his work number I manage to email him a few times but he doesn’t reply once. I keep rethinking things over in my head but the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. I’d thought that everything had been going well. As far as I was, I am concerned, nothing had happened to cause anything to change. I try to think about his behavior lately and realize that he has been a bit on the quieter side these past couple of days, but I had taken that down to exhaustion on both our parts. I know he’s been working hard at the office to try to get everything up to date and in order before he goes on leave in a few weeks but he had never voiced anything to me about any problems. Of course me being in the state I am lately, I quickly take that as me being a terrible wife and I start to berate myself over it all.
By noon I’m almost going out of my mind in worry and start to wonder how long he thinks he’ll be able to go before he calls me. Since we’ve been together I don’t think we’ve gone more than a few hours without the briefest of phone calls or even the occasional email checking up on one another. Even though in the back of my mind I know he’s safe and sound, my heart knows differently and takes the upper hand.
When the little hand hits two I’m about ready to go into the office myself and drag him home. I’m interrupted from that thought when I hear his car pull into the driveway. I make my way to the front door as fast as I can which, these days is about as fast as a turtle in the slow Olympics.
I reach the foyer just as he’s opening the front door and practically jump into his arms. He loses his footing for the briefest moment and quickly regains, burying his head in the crook of my neck and breathing me in.
“I love you,” I repeat over and over like a mantra, trying to get through to him. “I love you so much Vaughn.” Pushing him away from me a little, I cradle his face in my hands and stroke his skin. He keeps his eyes closed and I know that after everything that has happened, he can’t even bear to look at me. My heart just breaks in two and I’m not sure if it is because I am so worried about him or whether it is because he’s embarrassed to be around me. Maybe it is a mix of both.
When I am least expecting it, he opens his mouth and says four simple words and I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a wonderful sound. “I love you too.” His eyes open slowly and I quickly notice that they’re bloodshot, most likely from very little sleep last night and god knows what he’s been thinking today. All the anger I had built up toward him from not returning my calls and going haywire on me for the past twelve hours suddenly disappears as I cradle his face again and bring him closer to me, dropping a kiss on his forehead.
Right now, I don’t care if he talks to me. He’s come back to me and for this moment in time, that’s all that I care about.
~*~*~
Late that night I wake up from a miserable sleep only to find that the other side of the bed is empty again. Rubbing my eyes, I try to make out the numbers on the clock and realize that it’s very early the following morning. Combining the fact that I have to pee again and knowing that I need to go in search of my husband I get myself out of bed and waddle over to the bathroom.
Once done there, I head downstairs and as soon as I reach the landing, notice the light spewing into the bottom floor of the otherwise dark house from the kitchen. One thing I love about this house is the amazing back room that we have. On the right side of the house we have our amazing kitchen, there’s a little breakfast nook built in next to the back door. To the left we have a generous sized living area set up, complete with a full entertainment unit, couches and a coffee table. We’ve been able to fit so much in there and when we’re by ourselves, is the room Vaughn and I spend most of our time aside from our bedroom. We have everything in there that we need for ourselves and often find that many of the other rooms are neglected.
From the doorway of the dining room I can see Vaughn, his back facing me as he sits on the lounge chair directly opposite from the TV. He’s leaning over on something that I can’t see on the coffee table and from the sounds of it, assume it is a book of some sort. Softly padding my way toward him, he looks up when he realizes I’m there and gives me a small hint of a smile. I return it and corner around the lounge and lower myself to sit next to him.
Looking down at the table I find that the book he is looking at is an old photo album that his mother brought over and left for him here from France. Taking a closer glimpse I recognize some of the people in the photos, most notably shots of a much younger Vaughn standing alongside the man I recognize as his dad, as well as other various shots.
I loop my arm around his that is leaning on his knee and lean the side of my chin on his shoulder. He continues to flip the pages, taking in each photo with great detail before moving to the next.
“I messed up, I’m sorry,” he admits moments later in a hoarse tone. He turns his head to look at me and I gaze up at him, urging him with my eyes that I want to hear more than just that.
He turns his attention back to the album and just starts talking. “I don’t know what happened last night. One minute I was all for it and then I don’t know…” he shakes his head.
“Vaughn, I’m not angry with you,” I tell him. “I don’t think anything less of you because you didn’t...”
“But that’s just it Syd. You don’t… but I do.” He sinks his head, “God I feel so messed up.”
“Welcome to my world,” I jest, nudging him. He looks up and I smile at him.
“That’s never happened before Syd…” he tells me and the look on his face all but breaks me.
I’m hesitant, not really knowing how to handle this situation for a number of reasons. “Okay…
“Is it because of me?” I ask, needing to know for me.
“No!” he insists straight away. “You have no idea what you do to me Syd. All I see when I look at you is love and beauty and strength and so much more. I know that I’m with you and I never want to be with anyone else. Ever.
“And now I’m scared because I keep thinking that you’re going to want to be with someone else because you’re married to man who’s a failure…”
“A failure? Oh god Vaughn, no!” I tell him. “You know what I see when I look at you? I see everything you say you see in me. I wake up in the morning and look at you and have to pinch myself to keep believing it’s true. That I am married to the most amazing, wonderful, generous, strong, devoted man in the entire world. You love me Michael Vaughn, in no way that anyone has ever loved me. God Vaughn, when we go out, regardless of whether I’m with you or not, women ogle at you. Do you know the sense of pride I get out of that?
“What happened last night, it doesn’t make me love you any less, it makes me love you more. And Vaughn, you’re no less of a man because of it, I want you to know that and remember that.”
He’s crying by the end of my declaration and I know that this conversation is not stopping here. There is more on my husband’s mind than just last night and I am determined to get everything out of him. Hesitantly, I pull him toward me and he rests his head on my chest, his ear right over my heart. I stroke him calmly.
“I’m scared Syd, I’m so scared,” he admits.
I run a soothing hand through his hair, “Scared of what honey?”
“Everything.”
“Everything?” I ask. He only nods as his sobbing increases. “Hey, come on Vaughn, talk to me, I’m right here.”
“It’s his anniversary today.”
I quickly run through my mind what he is talking about and in a split second everything falls into place. Quickly, I run through the dates in my head and scald myself when I realize for not remembering today. HIs behaviour from the past few days finally makes complete sense. If the moment wasn’t so serious, I’d slap myself upside the head.
Not sure of what to say, I ask him. “Is that what you’re scared about?”
He wipes the tears from his eyes and takes a few deep, shuddering breaths. “Yes. No… God Syd, I miss him so much,” he states, the sobbing racking over his body and he loses it again. I rub his back and whisper to him, soothing him until he calms down again. It takes a long while, his sobbing and sniffling the only noise that can be heard in the black of night. My heart is breaking for him.
“I remember the day of this photo,” he chokes out as he sits up, pointing to a square photo at the bottom of the right page. I peer over to take a good look at it. Vaughn is dressed in a red t-shirt and shorts, a baseball cap facing the wrong way. His dad is standing over him in similar clothing, trying to pry a baseball glove onto Vaughn’s hand.
“I think I was five or six and it was summer. He had me on the ice ever since I could walk but baseball wasn’t something he’d introduced to me until later on. He brought me home my first catcher’s glove and we played catch until well into the night. Mom had to practically drag us inside. By the end of the summer there was no turning back… at least until the ice was laid and the hockey season started,” he laughs lightly.
“How am I going to do it, Syd? What do I know about being a dad? I don’t even have a father so what the hell would I know about fatherhood? I’m so scared that I’m going to be the worst dad in the world and our child is going to grow up resenting me because I screwed up somewhere along the line,” he blurts out and looks at me for answers.
“Do you think I know how to be a mom Vaughn? Don’t you think that I’m not scared as hell as well? I’m freaking out as well but I felt, I feel safe because I have you, and if I have you I’d be okay, we’d be okay because we’ll figure it out together.
“Is this what you’re scared about Vaughn? Are you scared about becoming a dad?” I question him.
His voice is shaky when he answers… “Yes.”
“Oh god Vaughn, why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because I was afraid of what you’d think. Because I was always the one comforting you I worried how you’d react if you know I was falling to pieces as well,” he admits.
“Honey, you’re not falling to pieces. Not at all,” I reassure him. “And heck, if you are, I am as well but you know, I think considering it all, we’re both entitled to feel a little scared about this. I mean everything has happened so fast. Having a baby, getting married… I mean they’re both huge steps and this has all been in the past six months. We’ve barely taken a breather to let it all sink in, and before we know it, we’re going to be bringing a baby home. A baby Vaughn! God I don’t think I even know how to hold a baby!” I laugh.
“And you think I do?” he asks me seriously.
“You don’t?” I ask worried, my whole demeanor changing.
“Nope.”
“But I thought you used to baby sit Jin when they lived in LA?”
“Yeah but she wasn’t a baby then. She was well past the baby stage,” he chuckles.
I can’t help but laugh over the seriousness of this. “Some parents we’re going to be, huh?”
“We’ll figure it out,” he promises, grabbing my hand. “Together.”
“Well look who’s all sure of himself now,” I joke.
He half smiles at me and I can still see concern etched all over his features. “What can I say, I have this amazing wife.”
~*~*~
When I woke up this morning in my husbands’ arms, I could hardly believe the difference twenty-four hours could make, for both him and me.
Last night I made a silent promise to myself that I would be more attentive to Vaughn from now on, no matter how tangled up I get in this pregnancy. So while he was in the shower, I got myself up prepared breakfast for him. We ate at a leisurely pace as we read the newspaper; we both knew that there was no need for deep conversation this morning. I could really feel that we stepped over a major hurdle after we talked last night.
Shortly after he left for work I showered and readied myself for the day ahead of me. There was one place I knew I had to visit and I had to do it soon before I talked myself into a mess again. I knew that there is only one person I know who could convince me otherwise, one person I know who is a fabulous wife to her husband and mother to her two children.
Dianne Dixon.
I pull up into the Dixon’s driveway and see Dianne hosing her garden and when she sees me, turns off the hose and heads on over, a warm smile to greet me.
“Sydney darling, it’s wonderful to see you. To what do I owe this surprise?” she asks me.
Dianne has been wonderful ever since the take down of SD-6. From what I can understand, she and Marcus when through a rough patch for a while there when he uncovered the secrets he had been hiding for all of these years, but in the end, they survived. I can see that there is more love between my former partner and his wife than ever before. Since I returned from hiding she has accepted me fully, regardless of my past. We’ve even gone out shopping and to lunch and a movie on occasion and she calls me every week and offering help whenever I needed it. I of course, have always declined her generous offers, never feeling the need for her help.
Until today of course.
“Hi Dianne,” I say, accepting her hug. I pull a basket of muffins out of my car that I picked up on my way over here and stand up in front of her. “I actually came to take you up on that help you’re always offering.”
She smiles, understanding and ushers me inside. Sitting me down at the kitchen table, she puts on the kettle and organizes some of the muffins on a plate.
“How are you doing, you’re getting really big,” she chuckles.
I look down at my belly and stroke it, feeling little jabs here and there. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so huge,” I laugh.
“Oh I know the feeling. With Steven I felt exactly the same way. Then when I had Robin, I was wishing to be as small as I was with Steven,” she tells me, recalling her own pregnancies.
“Great, that’s something to look forward to,” I roll my eyes. She just laughs at me. “How are they anyway?” I ask about the kids.
“They’re wonderful. They’re doing wonderfully. Did Marcus tell you that Steven’s basketball team made it to the regional finals?”
“No he didn’t, but wow, that’s great. You must be so proud,” I comment.
“I am, we are,” she nods, bringing two cups of tea over to the table and sitting across from me. “And Robin, well she’s at that age. Everything is boys, boys, boys. I’m sure she’s going to give Marcus a heart attack before the end of the year,” we both laugh. “But you didn’t come here to hear about the kids, what’s on your mind?” she enquires.
I fiddle with the teacup in my hand and look down at my playing fingers. How do mothers get so intuitive? I take a deep breath and try to figure out what it is that I want to ask.
“How do you know? I mean, when you were pregnant, did you worry about what type of mother you’d be? Did Marcus worry about being a good dad, or were you both excited and ready for it to happen?” I blurt out, certainly leaving nothing amiss.
She smiles knowingly and puts her hand on my arm. “We were terrified.”
I look up at her and she’s watching me. “Really?” I ask, amazed.
“Yes, really,” she nods. “I was alright, maybe a little nervous; until I went into labor of course and then I was going crazy that I was about to be a mother! Marcus on the other hand, he went through this whole period right before where he was certain that he was doomed to be the worst father in the history of fathers.”
I can’t help but cry, recognizing that same feelings from Vaughn and I. “So how did you, I mean, what changed that?”
She sighs in though and looks me straight in the eye. “Afterward, when the baby is born and you’re so exhausted you just want everyone to stop hovering so you can sleep, this little baby is placed in your arms. You’re holding this little baby, this little person that’s yours and you have to look after. And you look down and this feeling rushes right through you and you just… you know.”
I try to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall but it’s useless. Through the tears I tell her as genuinely as I can… “Thank you.”
She keeps smiling at me, knowing how I’m feeling. “You’re welcome sweetheart.”
TBC