fic: a life without regret 32/?
Author: Gracie
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: No, I don't own it, I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. Alias and all the characters belong to Touchstone, ABC and the talented JJ. Abrams.
Timeline: To fit in with future storylines, I have changed the time of when SD-6 was brought down. Sydney is now four months pregnant and this fic begins in early November.
Summary: Sequel to No Regrets. Trying to make normal.
Chapter 32
Sydney POV
When I wake up, Vaughn isn’t at my side like he promised and I start to panic a little. I try to get up but my head is pounding and I am attached to too many monitors to get anywhere too quickly. I groan slightly, lying back on the bed to calm myself. Closing my eyes, after a few minutes I can hear a slight mumbling outside my door and turn to see who is out there. I have to blink a few times to rid myself of the still sleepy daze, but soon realize that Vaughn is just standing outside of my room. Who he is talking to is a mystery, but having him near me appeases my nerves.
While I wait for Vaughn to come back into the room, I sit and chide myself over the situation I have gotten myself into. I should have known better than to react today like I did. I knew that I had to be careful, I had to keep my emotions in check, I had to look after myself, but I just couldn’t resist. I know the methods to keep myself in line all too well, but today, today was too much for that.
No daughter should ever have to go through with their parents like I have been through with mine. It is the twisted reality of my life that I just have to accept. I don’t like it, but in life, things get thrown at you that you have to accept to be able to move on. If there is only one thing that I gain out of this whole experience, it is to do exactly that.
“I just have to accept it,” I whisper to myself out loud, as if I’m taking a vow.
Vaughn decides to take that second to walk back into the room, and he catches me in the act. “What are you doing in here?” he asks, making light of me talking to myself.
"Losing another argument with myself. I'm zero and three this week."
“Oooh, three strikes. Guess you're out,” he counters, coming over and slipping his hand back into mine as he kisses my forehead. “Seriously?” he asks again.
I sigh. “I was just in the middle of telling myself there are some things in life that happen that you don’t like, but you have to accept them if you want to move on.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Sounds deep. And this coming from you, worrier of the century no less.”
I chuckle then respond. “Vaughn, Michael,” I correct myself. “I just want you to know, that I’m really going to try from now on. I don’t want to be the emotional train wreck any more that I have been for a while now. I want to be the girl you fell in love with, not the shell of someone who used to look like me.”
“I still love you, emotional train wreck or not,” he smiles down at me. “Today really scared you, huh?”
“Maybe,” I blush, shifting uncomfortably. “Not that I would ever admit that to anyone but you though.” He laughs softly and I think I fall in love with him all over again whenever he does that. “Vaughn?” He hums in reply. “A little crooked necked baby Squidget of their own?” I ask, recalling the story he was telling me to lull me asleep earlier.
If I didn’t know better I would say that his eyes pop out of their socket when I call him on this. I’m laughing at him before he even replies. “You heard that?”
“Of course I heard that. The drugs are good, but they’re not that good. Just promise me one thing?”
“Anything.”
“Let me be the one to help our kids with English homework?”
He laughs again. “With pleasure.” We stare at one another for a few seconds until he speaks again. “So kids huh? Kids, as in plural, as in more than this one?” he asks, tapping my belly.
“Maybe,” I blush.
“Just maybe?” he pushes teasingly.
“Maybe yes?”
“I like maybe yes,” he confirms. “I like making babies with you,” he kisses me; giving me just a tiny taste of what he has to offer. And I like what is on offer.
I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him back again, not getting enough the first time. “I like making babies with you, too,” I tell him breathlessly afterward.
“You know,” he begins. “The other day I stumbled upon this website,” he stands and pulls his wallet from the back of his pants, and lifts a piece of paper out from inside of it. As he fiddles with it, I see a flash of something on the inside that makes me blush. There, in the little space on offer to hold a photograph, lies a picture of myself, one that I recognize as a larger one from his desk at home. He is about to put the leather item away, but I put up my hand to stop him, grabbing said item and opening it up to look at properly. I can’t help the tears that form in my eyes when I look at it.
“I made your wallet?” I ask.
He shifts uncomfortably under my scrutiny and I notice the redness rising in his cheeks. “Yeah, well, you know,” he shrugs it off. “Marshall resized it down for me so it would fit.”
I smile confidently at him, my heart swelling even more in love. “The website you found?” I ask, bringing him back to what he said before.
“Ah yes. I found this website that listed the top ten names for boys and girls last year,” he tells me, unfolding the scrap of paper. By the look of the state that the paper is in, he’s been reviewing it a lot.
“And what was the verdict?”
“Well, for girls, it was: Emily, Emma, Madison, Hannah, Hailey, Sarah, Kaitlyn Isabella, Olivia and Abigail. And for boys it was: Jacob, Aiden, Ethan, Matthew, Nicholas, Joshua, Ryan, Michael,” he stops and looks at me, smirking before continuing, “Zachary and Tyler.”
“Hmmm, and what was your choice?”
“Who said I picked anything out?” he tries on me.
I snatch the paper out of his hands and inspect it more thoroughly and then look at him with my eyebrows raised. He raises his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, you win,” he smirks. “For a girl I like Olivia, Abigail, and Elizabeth, which isn’t on a list.” I aww slightly when he tells me.
“And for a boy?”
“Matthew, Zachary and Ethan. I like Nicholas as well, but we already have two of those in my family, so it isn’t exactly original. What about you?”
“Oh gosh,” I start to lean up out of bed to get more comfortable and he helps me, giving me some extra pillows to put behind my back. “I don’t know. To be truthful, I’ve looked, but never really thought of what I liked.”
“You mean you weren’t one of those girls who had names for their children picked out when they were eight?”
I roll my eyes as a no.
“What, not even Abby Elizabeth and Zachary Callum?”
I gasp in horror at his knowledge of this. “I’m going to kill her!” I say, referring to Francie. He starts laughing mercilessly and scoots away from me when I swat him.
At that very moment, my doctor chooses to interrupt us, and for one thing, Vaughn should be grateful. “Am I interrupting something?” he asks both of us.
The laughter dies down. “No, Vaughn was just testing me.”
“I won,” he interjects. I shoot him daggers and he simply smiles back at me, moving back to my side to speak with Doctor Quinn.
“Well it’s good to see you more at ease than earlier,” he comments, looking over my chart. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay, better. I haven’t had any contractions since I woke up.”
“Good, that’s a good sign.” He looks over at the monitor that measures any contractions. “You haven’t had one in two hours. That means the medication is helping to stop them, which is great.” He measures my blood pressure again, carefully studying the reading. “And your BP is coming down as well.” He reads over some more results and makes positive comments, then quickly does a pelvic exam. “Your cervix hasn’t dilated any either. Everything is pointing in a positive direction Sydney.”
“Does that mean I can go home now?” I ask.
“No, actually,” he smiles, sensing how eager I am to get the hell out of here. “I’d like to keep you overnight for observation. Tomorrow if everything is looking as good as it does today, then I can’t see any reason not to send you home. But I need you both to keep in mind that your situation is more precarious now. You’re only at thirty-two weeks and you’ve already had one scare. We don’t want to travel down that path again. Next time we might not be as lucky as we were now.”
Vaughn squeezes my hand at this and I resign to fate. “Okay.”
“Okay then. I’ll get the nurse to send in some dinner for the both of you, and make sure you get some rest tonight.”
He nods before leaving. “I’ll see you both in the morning then.”
We spend the rest of the evening in relative peace and quiet, both of us picking around the meals that the nurse brought in for us, until Weiss saved the night bringing us in sandwiches from my favourite deli, along with a packed bag for me and a change of clothes for Vaughn. He doesn’t stay long, barely having enough time to pass on messages from Will and Francie as well with various ones from people in the office. Francie was here earlier I’m told, but had to cover a shift at the restaurant tonight. Vaughn ushers him out quickly, mumbling something about me needing rest. By the time he returns fifteen minutes later, I’m on the edge of falling asleep again. He helps me into the bathroom to wash up and change into my favourite nighty, being very cautious of the IV line in my hand before straightening up my bed and getting me settled back into it for the night. He leaves to get changed himself, but by the time he returns I’ve already fallen asleep.
My sleep is peaceful for the most part until the dreams begin. Random dreams from my childhood, things that I struggle to remember. One in particular stands out to me. It is from my first day at school, it can’t have been more than a few months before mom died. I remember the ribbons that were tied in my at the end of my two braids that day. I remember the pink shirt I wore underneath my blue denim overalls. The one thing I never remembered until now, was coming home. When the bell rang signaling the end of classes I, like all of the other kids, ran out to meet our parents. I can vividly see my younger self running along, the now messy braids with only one ribbon bouncing at the back of my neck. I can see him in the crowd of other overwhelmed parents before my younger self does and it upsets me what happens next. The precious five year old spots him, her pace picking up yelling in glee for him. When she gets close enough, she jumps into his arm, telling him how much she missed him that day, calling him her hero.
Her hero.
Her hero.
My hero.
Mine.
I must be moving around more than I realize because in the distance I can hear a male voice calling for me, over and over again. I follow the familiar tone, to a point where I open my eyes. But I’m disoriented, the walls unfamiliar, and the bed so seemingly small.
“Vaughn?” I cry.
He hushes me, trying to settle me down.
“Vaughn, Vaughn,” I repeat, rolling my head from side to side.
He must pick up on my incoherence and starts talking to me. “Shhh, it was just a dream, just a dream, we’re in the hospital, it’s okay, you’re okay. Just calm down,” he tells me over and over, running a hand along my sweaty face, pushing the hair away from my eyes. I can’t see him in the dark, but I can feel how close he is, yet, it doesn’t seem like it is enough.
“Can you lay with me?” I plead with him. “Just hold me please?” He says nothing but moves onto the bed immediately, lying on his side and resting his head right next to and just above mine. My guardian angel looking down on and always protecting me.
“Vaughn I need to see my dad tomorrow.”
“Alright, just sleep now,” he tells me, kissing my forehead, sending me asleep once again.
~*~*~
The rest of the night goes by without any more events and the following morning I ask Vaughn to get in contact with my dad. The dream from the previous night is really getting to me and I hate that things have been left with him like they are.
Less than an hour later, Vaughn and I are cuddling on the bed as he watches highlights from last night on ESPN when there is a faint knock on the door. My heart leaps a few times as I feel Vaughn’s eyes train on me awaiting a reaction.
“C-Come in,” I call, stumbling over my own words.
When he appears in the doorway, I am surprised to see him sans tie and suit jacket, something that I haven’t seen for a very long time. Vaughn is now standing beside me, the television long since switched off. The tension in the room is thick and we are all waiting for someone to start talking first.
“I’ll uhm, give you two a minute to talk,” Vaughn says, looking down at me. I try to keep a firm grip on his hand, but he looks at me firmly, his stare letting me know that this is something I need to do by myself. He leans down and kisses my cheek, whispering in my ear he’ll be back soon.
The closing of the door echoes through the room as my father and I have a contest of who can stare at the other for the longest. He shifts uncomfortably under the scrutiny, letting me win the contest when he begins.
“Sydney, I, about… I shouldn’t have…”
“Dad, I don’t care about that any more.” His features soften when I say this, his shoulders visibly relaxing. We resume a silent conversation again, I am having difficulty in finding what it is I exactly want to, need to say.
“I still feel the need to apologise for that,” he says, and I know there is more. I ease myself upright on the bed, my back aching more and more by the minute. “And for other things…”
“Daddy,” I let slip out before I catch myself. Turning my head away so he can’t see my face and I can’t see his reaction, I close my eyes to scare off tears but can’t help it when a few stray down my cheeks and dripping onto my shoulder.
“Sydney?” he asks, concern riddling his voice.
“I remember,” I cry letting that settle for a moment.
“What do you remember sweetheart?”
I gasp a few times, taking some breaths to calm myself. “I was so angry at you for such a long time,” I shake my head still not looking at him, too scared to see his reaction to my admissions. “I remember bit and pieces from before mom left. We were so close, I looked up to you, I loved you with so much innocence; you were my hero,” my voice breaks as I dare to look at him and for once I see emotion, I see regret.
I turn away from him, seeing emotion on his face isn’t something I am used to and quite honestly, not something I know how to handle. Instead I look down to my hand resting in front of my bump and play with my engagement ring. “And now, it hurts so much being in the same room as you.”
He steps forward. “Sydney…”
“No Dad, don’t, please, just don’t. Yesterday I told Vaughn that we all get things thrown at us in life that we don’t like. And that, if we don’t learn how to deal with them, how to accept them, that they will just keep coming back to bother us. What we have, or rather, what we never had? I want to forget it.
“I’m getting married,” I cry, looking at him. “I’m getting married to the man I love, we’re having a baby. We’re starting a new life and I want you to be apart of that. I want you to be there for your grandchild, and for me. I want to learn what it is like to be a parent from somebody I can look up to. But Dad, if you’re going to continue to lie to me, if you’re going to do things behind my back, if you’re not going to be the father that I deserve, I don’t know whether I want you there. I need to know, right now, either way, is this something you want to do, something you want to work on and be good at, or do you want to walk away?”
“Sydney I,” he starts, but we are interrupted when a nurse comes in to check on me. I think she realizes that we’re in the middle of something, so goes about her duties quickly and quietly then leaves us again.
“I don’t want to walk away from you. I did that far too often when you were growing up and needed me. I love you Sydney, I’ve always loved you. I regret the ways in which I thought I was showing you that,” he sits on the bed gently. “I’ve missed out on far too much in your life and I want that to end now.”
“I’d like that Daddy,” I smile at him, leaning forward as much as I can. He accepts the gesture and leans forward as well, and we awkwardly hug, as I sniffle, content now that both father and daughter are on the same page.
~*~*~
Later that day after lunch I am released from hospital, on the grounds that I follow the strict orders set out for my health. As of right now I have to go straight home and remain on strict bed rest until Tuesday when I have to go in for a checkup, which until the end of the pregnancy have been upped to once per week. After my appointment on Tuesday bed rest will be re-evaluated. Vaughn was instructed that I am to stay away from all of the foods that I am craving, which I know will kill me, if the bed rest doesn’t first. Finally, we have to abstain from sex until at least the time I hit thirty-seven weeks - that I am sure will kill Vaughn. When we pull into the driveway I’m smiling to myself and Vaughn catches me out.
“What are you so happy about?”
“Oh I was just thinking. The bed rest and healthy food is going to kill me, but I think the no sex rule is going to kill you first.”
“Who said I need you for sex? I didn’t have you for years.” My jaw drops when he says this, but he is out of the car and on his way to help me out before I can even acknowledge with an answer.
He opens the car door and extends a hand for me. “Oh stop being a prude Syd. I’ve done it before and I’m sure you have too.”
“Michael!” I admonish, putting my hands on the sides of my belly as if to shield the baby from all the dirty talk.
He rolls his eyes at my actions. “Is this what happens when we take away chocolate milk?”
I slap my hand into his and get out. “A lot more is going to happen if you really keep my chocolate milk away from me, I can tell you that right now.”
We reach the door and he starts to open it. “Syd, I know somewhere in that beautiful head of yours you understand why things are they way they are now. And think about it, it’s only five weeks until you hit thirty-seven weeks when it will all be re-evaluated.”
He steps over the threshold and takes me by the hand. When I walk in and see what is in front of my eyes, the tears well up again and I feel like a blabbering fool. Hanging on the wall just under the staircase is a huge sign reading ”Welcome home, Sydney!, with Will, Francie and Weiss all standing underneath it waiting for a response.
“You guys! I was only gone for a night!” I tell them all, hugging them in turn.
“Yeah, but I wanted to do something special since I couldn’t come to see you last night,” Francie tells me.
Will interrupts, “And we wanted to give you this,” he says, handing me a huge basket filled with all sorts of things.” Vaughn steps in front, taking the basket from Will before I do. Francie scolds him for handing the “heavy” thing to me, smacking him upside the head.
I peek a look into what they’ve given me, noting a couple new nighties, magazines, a few books that I’ve wanted to read for a while now and a whole stash of movies, among other things. “We know that bed rest is going to kill you the next three days, so we thought we’d try to make it a least a little bearable for you,” she tells me. “And I’m going to the store later to pick up the newest <[i>Sex and the City DVD.” I smile through the tears.
“That’s great, this is great. Thanks you guys.”
“And now I’m going to be rude and kick all of you out because she needs to rest,” Vaughn steps in, taking full advantage of being able to be overprotective. We say our goodbyes and when they door closes I head upstairs obediently, as he follows behind me.
“Do you want me to draw a bath?” he asks when we’re in the bedroom and I’ve sat on the bed.
“No, I’m really tired; I think I might just have a sleep,” I yawn, stretching my arms out. “You would have thought I’d be fully rested now, wouldn’t you?”
“You’ve been through a lot Syd, it’s not surprising. Your body needs to rest, it’s undertaking a big task,” he comments as he potters around the room, putting things away and getting things out. He hands me a change of clothes and stands me up, undressing me.
“I’m having a baby not fighting a killer disease, Vaughn.”
“Syd, when are you going to realize that having a baby doesn’t carry little significance? It’s a big thing, something that puts a lot of pressure on your body.”
I laugh and he looks at me. “My god, you need to stop reading those pregnancy magazines.” He blushes sheepishly.
“Did you want some of the Ambien to help you sleep?” he asks, referring to the prescription we had filled in case I needed it.
“No, I think I’ll be fine. It’s for absolute emergency use, remember? You need to rest too Vaughn,” I remind him.
“Yeah, I will Syd. I just have a few things I need to do around here and I’ll be back, promise,” he tucks me into bed and strokes my cheek. I’d like to argue with him but I’ve reached the point where I am so tired I don’t even bother.
“Could you just lie with me until I fall asleep then?”
“Sure.” He slips into the bed beside me and lies on his side facing me.
“Well this wasn’t the way I had planned to spend my Saturday.”
“We have plenty of time to make up for it, just rest for now,” he assures me.
I hum in understanding. “Hey Vaughn? What happens now?”
“Now we wait. We do what we’re supposed to do to keep baby and you safe and hope for the best. That’s all we can do.”
I nod my head and half a minute later he calls for me again. “Yeah?”
“Happy Valentines Day.”
I smile, completely forgetting about today’s date until now. It certainly wasn’t the way I had hoped for us to spend our first Valentine’s together, but given the circumstances, I’m happy we’re all here.
I roll my head over to look at him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Vaughn.”
TBC
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: No, I don't own it, I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. Alias and all the characters belong to Touchstone, ABC and the talented JJ. Abrams.
Timeline: To fit in with future storylines, I have changed the time of when SD-6 was brought down. Sydney is now four months pregnant and this fic begins in early November.
Summary: Sequel to No Regrets. Trying to make normal.
Chapter 32
Sydney POV
When I wake up, Vaughn isn’t at my side like he promised and I start to panic a little. I try to get up but my head is pounding and I am attached to too many monitors to get anywhere too quickly. I groan slightly, lying back on the bed to calm myself. Closing my eyes, after a few minutes I can hear a slight mumbling outside my door and turn to see who is out there. I have to blink a few times to rid myself of the still sleepy daze, but soon realize that Vaughn is just standing outside of my room. Who he is talking to is a mystery, but having him near me appeases my nerves.
While I wait for Vaughn to come back into the room, I sit and chide myself over the situation I have gotten myself into. I should have known better than to react today like I did. I knew that I had to be careful, I had to keep my emotions in check, I had to look after myself, but I just couldn’t resist. I know the methods to keep myself in line all too well, but today, today was too much for that.
No daughter should ever have to go through with their parents like I have been through with mine. It is the twisted reality of my life that I just have to accept. I don’t like it, but in life, things get thrown at you that you have to accept to be able to move on. If there is only one thing that I gain out of this whole experience, it is to do exactly that.
“I just have to accept it,” I whisper to myself out loud, as if I’m taking a vow.
Vaughn decides to take that second to walk back into the room, and he catches me in the act. “What are you doing in here?” he asks, making light of me talking to myself.
"Losing another argument with myself. I'm zero and three this week."
“Oooh, three strikes. Guess you're out,” he counters, coming over and slipping his hand back into mine as he kisses my forehead. “Seriously?” he asks again.
I sigh. “I was just in the middle of telling myself there are some things in life that happen that you don’t like, but you have to accept them if you want to move on.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Sounds deep. And this coming from you, worrier of the century no less.”
I chuckle then respond. “Vaughn, Michael,” I correct myself. “I just want you to know, that I’m really going to try from now on. I don’t want to be the emotional train wreck any more that I have been for a while now. I want to be the girl you fell in love with, not the shell of someone who used to look like me.”
“I still love you, emotional train wreck or not,” he smiles down at me. “Today really scared you, huh?”
“Maybe,” I blush, shifting uncomfortably. “Not that I would ever admit that to anyone but you though.” He laughs softly and I think I fall in love with him all over again whenever he does that. “Vaughn?” He hums in reply. “A little crooked necked baby Squidget of their own?” I ask, recalling the story he was telling me to lull me asleep earlier.
If I didn’t know better I would say that his eyes pop out of their socket when I call him on this. I’m laughing at him before he even replies. “You heard that?”
“Of course I heard that. The drugs are good, but they’re not that good. Just promise me one thing?”
“Anything.”
“Let me be the one to help our kids with English homework?”
He laughs again. “With pleasure.” We stare at one another for a few seconds until he speaks again. “So kids huh? Kids, as in plural, as in more than this one?” he asks, tapping my belly.
“Maybe,” I blush.
“Just maybe?” he pushes teasingly.
“Maybe yes?”
“I like maybe yes,” he confirms. “I like making babies with you,” he kisses me; giving me just a tiny taste of what he has to offer. And I like what is on offer.
I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him back again, not getting enough the first time. “I like making babies with you, too,” I tell him breathlessly afterward.
“You know,” he begins. “The other day I stumbled upon this website,” he stands and pulls his wallet from the back of his pants, and lifts a piece of paper out from inside of it. As he fiddles with it, I see a flash of something on the inside that makes me blush. There, in the little space on offer to hold a photograph, lies a picture of myself, one that I recognize as a larger one from his desk at home. He is about to put the leather item away, but I put up my hand to stop him, grabbing said item and opening it up to look at properly. I can’t help the tears that form in my eyes when I look at it.
“I made your wallet?” I ask.
He shifts uncomfortably under my scrutiny and I notice the redness rising in his cheeks. “Yeah, well, you know,” he shrugs it off. “Marshall resized it down for me so it would fit.”
I smile confidently at him, my heart swelling even more in love. “The website you found?” I ask, bringing him back to what he said before.
“Ah yes. I found this website that listed the top ten names for boys and girls last year,” he tells me, unfolding the scrap of paper. By the look of the state that the paper is in, he’s been reviewing it a lot.
“And what was the verdict?”
“Well, for girls, it was: Emily, Emma, Madison, Hannah, Hailey, Sarah, Kaitlyn Isabella, Olivia and Abigail. And for boys it was: Jacob, Aiden, Ethan, Matthew, Nicholas, Joshua, Ryan, Michael,” he stops and looks at me, smirking before continuing, “Zachary and Tyler.”
“Hmmm, and what was your choice?”
“Who said I picked anything out?” he tries on me.
I snatch the paper out of his hands and inspect it more thoroughly and then look at him with my eyebrows raised. He raises his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, you win,” he smirks. “For a girl I like Olivia, Abigail, and Elizabeth, which isn’t on a list.” I aww slightly when he tells me.
“And for a boy?”
“Matthew, Zachary and Ethan. I like Nicholas as well, but we already have two of those in my family, so it isn’t exactly original. What about you?”
“Oh gosh,” I start to lean up out of bed to get more comfortable and he helps me, giving me some extra pillows to put behind my back. “I don’t know. To be truthful, I’ve looked, but never really thought of what I liked.”
“You mean you weren’t one of those girls who had names for their children picked out when they were eight?”
I roll my eyes as a no.
“What, not even Abby Elizabeth and Zachary Callum?”
I gasp in horror at his knowledge of this. “I’m going to kill her!” I say, referring to Francie. He starts laughing mercilessly and scoots away from me when I swat him.
At that very moment, my doctor chooses to interrupt us, and for one thing, Vaughn should be grateful. “Am I interrupting something?” he asks both of us.
The laughter dies down. “No, Vaughn was just testing me.”
“I won,” he interjects. I shoot him daggers and he simply smiles back at me, moving back to my side to speak with Doctor Quinn.
“Well it’s good to see you more at ease than earlier,” he comments, looking over my chart. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay, better. I haven’t had any contractions since I woke up.”
“Good, that’s a good sign.” He looks over at the monitor that measures any contractions. “You haven’t had one in two hours. That means the medication is helping to stop them, which is great.” He measures my blood pressure again, carefully studying the reading. “And your BP is coming down as well.” He reads over some more results and makes positive comments, then quickly does a pelvic exam. “Your cervix hasn’t dilated any either. Everything is pointing in a positive direction Sydney.”
“Does that mean I can go home now?” I ask.
“No, actually,” he smiles, sensing how eager I am to get the hell out of here. “I’d like to keep you overnight for observation. Tomorrow if everything is looking as good as it does today, then I can’t see any reason not to send you home. But I need you both to keep in mind that your situation is more precarious now. You’re only at thirty-two weeks and you’ve already had one scare. We don’t want to travel down that path again. Next time we might not be as lucky as we were now.”
Vaughn squeezes my hand at this and I resign to fate. “Okay.”
“Okay then. I’ll get the nurse to send in some dinner for the both of you, and make sure you get some rest tonight.”
He nods before leaving. “I’ll see you both in the morning then.”
We spend the rest of the evening in relative peace and quiet, both of us picking around the meals that the nurse brought in for us, until Weiss saved the night bringing us in sandwiches from my favourite deli, along with a packed bag for me and a change of clothes for Vaughn. He doesn’t stay long, barely having enough time to pass on messages from Will and Francie as well with various ones from people in the office. Francie was here earlier I’m told, but had to cover a shift at the restaurant tonight. Vaughn ushers him out quickly, mumbling something about me needing rest. By the time he returns fifteen minutes later, I’m on the edge of falling asleep again. He helps me into the bathroom to wash up and change into my favourite nighty, being very cautious of the IV line in my hand before straightening up my bed and getting me settled back into it for the night. He leaves to get changed himself, but by the time he returns I’ve already fallen asleep.
My sleep is peaceful for the most part until the dreams begin. Random dreams from my childhood, things that I struggle to remember. One in particular stands out to me. It is from my first day at school, it can’t have been more than a few months before mom died. I remember the ribbons that were tied in my at the end of my two braids that day. I remember the pink shirt I wore underneath my blue denim overalls. The one thing I never remembered until now, was coming home. When the bell rang signaling the end of classes I, like all of the other kids, ran out to meet our parents. I can vividly see my younger self running along, the now messy braids with only one ribbon bouncing at the back of my neck. I can see him in the crowd of other overwhelmed parents before my younger self does and it upsets me what happens next. The precious five year old spots him, her pace picking up yelling in glee for him. When she gets close enough, she jumps into his arm, telling him how much she missed him that day, calling him her hero.
Her hero.
Her hero.
My hero.
Mine.
I must be moving around more than I realize because in the distance I can hear a male voice calling for me, over and over again. I follow the familiar tone, to a point where I open my eyes. But I’m disoriented, the walls unfamiliar, and the bed so seemingly small.
“Vaughn?” I cry.
He hushes me, trying to settle me down.
“Vaughn, Vaughn,” I repeat, rolling my head from side to side.
He must pick up on my incoherence and starts talking to me. “Shhh, it was just a dream, just a dream, we’re in the hospital, it’s okay, you’re okay. Just calm down,” he tells me over and over, running a hand along my sweaty face, pushing the hair away from my eyes. I can’t see him in the dark, but I can feel how close he is, yet, it doesn’t seem like it is enough.
“Can you lay with me?” I plead with him. “Just hold me please?” He says nothing but moves onto the bed immediately, lying on his side and resting his head right next to and just above mine. My guardian angel looking down on and always protecting me.
“Vaughn I need to see my dad tomorrow.”
“Alright, just sleep now,” he tells me, kissing my forehead, sending me asleep once again.
~*~*~
The rest of the night goes by without any more events and the following morning I ask Vaughn to get in contact with my dad. The dream from the previous night is really getting to me and I hate that things have been left with him like they are.
Less than an hour later, Vaughn and I are cuddling on the bed as he watches highlights from last night on ESPN when there is a faint knock on the door. My heart leaps a few times as I feel Vaughn’s eyes train on me awaiting a reaction.
“C-Come in,” I call, stumbling over my own words.
When he appears in the doorway, I am surprised to see him sans tie and suit jacket, something that I haven’t seen for a very long time. Vaughn is now standing beside me, the television long since switched off. The tension in the room is thick and we are all waiting for someone to start talking first.
“I’ll uhm, give you two a minute to talk,” Vaughn says, looking down at me. I try to keep a firm grip on his hand, but he looks at me firmly, his stare letting me know that this is something I need to do by myself. He leans down and kisses my cheek, whispering in my ear he’ll be back soon.
The closing of the door echoes through the room as my father and I have a contest of who can stare at the other for the longest. He shifts uncomfortably under the scrutiny, letting me win the contest when he begins.
“Sydney, I, about… I shouldn’t have…”
“Dad, I don’t care about that any more.” His features soften when I say this, his shoulders visibly relaxing. We resume a silent conversation again, I am having difficulty in finding what it is I exactly want to, need to say.
“I still feel the need to apologise for that,” he says, and I know there is more. I ease myself upright on the bed, my back aching more and more by the minute. “And for other things…”
“Daddy,” I let slip out before I catch myself. Turning my head away so he can’t see my face and I can’t see his reaction, I close my eyes to scare off tears but can’t help it when a few stray down my cheeks and dripping onto my shoulder.
“Sydney?” he asks, concern riddling his voice.
“I remember,” I cry letting that settle for a moment.
“What do you remember sweetheart?”
I gasp a few times, taking some breaths to calm myself. “I was so angry at you for such a long time,” I shake my head still not looking at him, too scared to see his reaction to my admissions. “I remember bit and pieces from before mom left. We were so close, I looked up to you, I loved you with so much innocence; you were my hero,” my voice breaks as I dare to look at him and for once I see emotion, I see regret.
I turn away from him, seeing emotion on his face isn’t something I am used to and quite honestly, not something I know how to handle. Instead I look down to my hand resting in front of my bump and play with my engagement ring. “And now, it hurts so much being in the same room as you.”
He steps forward. “Sydney…”
“No Dad, don’t, please, just don’t. Yesterday I told Vaughn that we all get things thrown at us in life that we don’t like. And that, if we don’t learn how to deal with them, how to accept them, that they will just keep coming back to bother us. What we have, or rather, what we never had? I want to forget it.
“I’m getting married,” I cry, looking at him. “I’m getting married to the man I love, we’re having a baby. We’re starting a new life and I want you to be apart of that. I want you to be there for your grandchild, and for me. I want to learn what it is like to be a parent from somebody I can look up to. But Dad, if you’re going to continue to lie to me, if you’re going to do things behind my back, if you’re not going to be the father that I deserve, I don’t know whether I want you there. I need to know, right now, either way, is this something you want to do, something you want to work on and be good at, or do you want to walk away?”
“Sydney I,” he starts, but we are interrupted when a nurse comes in to check on me. I think she realizes that we’re in the middle of something, so goes about her duties quickly and quietly then leaves us again.
“I don’t want to walk away from you. I did that far too often when you were growing up and needed me. I love you Sydney, I’ve always loved you. I regret the ways in which I thought I was showing you that,” he sits on the bed gently. “I’ve missed out on far too much in your life and I want that to end now.”
“I’d like that Daddy,” I smile at him, leaning forward as much as I can. He accepts the gesture and leans forward as well, and we awkwardly hug, as I sniffle, content now that both father and daughter are on the same page.
~*~*~
Later that day after lunch I am released from hospital, on the grounds that I follow the strict orders set out for my health. As of right now I have to go straight home and remain on strict bed rest until Tuesday when I have to go in for a checkup, which until the end of the pregnancy have been upped to once per week. After my appointment on Tuesday bed rest will be re-evaluated. Vaughn was instructed that I am to stay away from all of the foods that I am craving, which I know will kill me, if the bed rest doesn’t first. Finally, we have to abstain from sex until at least the time I hit thirty-seven weeks - that I am sure will kill Vaughn. When we pull into the driveway I’m smiling to myself and Vaughn catches me out.
“What are you so happy about?”
“Oh I was just thinking. The bed rest and healthy food is going to kill me, but I think the no sex rule is going to kill you first.”
“Who said I need you for sex? I didn’t have you for years.” My jaw drops when he says this, but he is out of the car and on his way to help me out before I can even acknowledge with an answer.
He opens the car door and extends a hand for me. “Oh stop being a prude Syd. I’ve done it before and I’m sure you have too.”
“Michael!” I admonish, putting my hands on the sides of my belly as if to shield the baby from all the dirty talk.
He rolls his eyes at my actions. “Is this what happens when we take away chocolate milk?”
I slap my hand into his and get out. “A lot more is going to happen if you really keep my chocolate milk away from me, I can tell you that right now.”
We reach the door and he starts to open it. “Syd, I know somewhere in that beautiful head of yours you understand why things are they way they are now. And think about it, it’s only five weeks until you hit thirty-seven weeks when it will all be re-evaluated.”
He steps over the threshold and takes me by the hand. When I walk in and see what is in front of my eyes, the tears well up again and I feel like a blabbering fool. Hanging on the wall just under the staircase is a huge sign reading ”Welcome home, Sydney!, with Will, Francie and Weiss all standing underneath it waiting for a response.
“You guys! I was only gone for a night!” I tell them all, hugging them in turn.
“Yeah, but I wanted to do something special since I couldn’t come to see you last night,” Francie tells me.
Will interrupts, “And we wanted to give you this,” he says, handing me a huge basket filled with all sorts of things.” Vaughn steps in front, taking the basket from Will before I do. Francie scolds him for handing the “heavy” thing to me, smacking him upside the head.
I peek a look into what they’ve given me, noting a couple new nighties, magazines, a few books that I’ve wanted to read for a while now and a whole stash of movies, among other things. “We know that bed rest is going to kill you the next three days, so we thought we’d try to make it a least a little bearable for you,” she tells me. “And I’m going to the store later to pick up the newest <[i>Sex and the City DVD.” I smile through the tears.
“That’s great, this is great. Thanks you guys.”
“And now I’m going to be rude and kick all of you out because she needs to rest,” Vaughn steps in, taking full advantage of being able to be overprotective. We say our goodbyes and when they door closes I head upstairs obediently, as he follows behind me.
“Do you want me to draw a bath?” he asks when we’re in the bedroom and I’ve sat on the bed.
“No, I’m really tired; I think I might just have a sleep,” I yawn, stretching my arms out. “You would have thought I’d be fully rested now, wouldn’t you?”
“You’ve been through a lot Syd, it’s not surprising. Your body needs to rest, it’s undertaking a big task,” he comments as he potters around the room, putting things away and getting things out. He hands me a change of clothes and stands me up, undressing me.
“I’m having a baby not fighting a killer disease, Vaughn.”
“Syd, when are you going to realize that having a baby doesn’t carry little significance? It’s a big thing, something that puts a lot of pressure on your body.”
I laugh and he looks at me. “My god, you need to stop reading those pregnancy magazines.” He blushes sheepishly.
“Did you want some of the Ambien to help you sleep?” he asks, referring to the prescription we had filled in case I needed it.
“No, I think I’ll be fine. It’s for absolute emergency use, remember? You need to rest too Vaughn,” I remind him.
“Yeah, I will Syd. I just have a few things I need to do around here and I’ll be back, promise,” he tucks me into bed and strokes my cheek. I’d like to argue with him but I’ve reached the point where I am so tired I don’t even bother.
“Could you just lie with me until I fall asleep then?”
“Sure.” He slips into the bed beside me and lies on his side facing me.
“Well this wasn’t the way I had planned to spend my Saturday.”
“We have plenty of time to make up for it, just rest for now,” he assures me.
I hum in understanding. “Hey Vaughn? What happens now?”
“Now we wait. We do what we’re supposed to do to keep baby and you safe and hope for the best. That’s all we can do.”
I nod my head and half a minute later he calls for me again. “Yeah?”
“Happy Valentines Day.”
I smile, completely forgetting about today’s date until now. It certainly wasn’t the way I had hoped for us to spend our first Valentine’s together, but given the circumstances, I’m happy we’re all here.
I roll my head over to look at him. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Vaughn.”
TBC