Fic: Another Chance to Live 4/?
Author: Ames
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Alias is not mine. It belongs to JJ Abrams, Touchstone, Bad Robot, and ABC.
Chapter Four
The next day, Vaughn called Julie and talked to her about the possibility of Nadia returning to Oregon to live with her again. Julie was shocked, to say the least, and though she couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice, she strongly urged them to think about it before they made any final decisions.
But their minds were made up.
No one could deal with this any longer. Not Sydney, not Sienna, and not him. He loved Nadia, but he just couldn’t let her tear apart what was left of their family. So he started looking for houses and jobs, and they started planning for Nadia to go back to Oregon within the next few weeks. It broke his heart, but it was the only way to put his family back together again, the only way to make sure that Sienna had a chance at a normal life, and the only way to make Nadia smile again.
For the first few days after they made the decision to send her back to Oregon, he and Sydney didn’t speak. At all. They would talk when absolutely necessary, but most of the time it was in short sentences and had something to do with a meal being ready or one of the girls needing something. Emotion was running too high, and somehow they both knew that speaking a word to one another would only end in fighting and tears. He didn’t ask her how she was doing. He didn’t need to ask. He knew she was falling apart and trying her hardest to carry on as though this wasn’t absolutely destroying her. But he had no words of comfort for her. He wasn’t feeling any better himself, and if he dared to speak about it, he too would fall apart. The only way he could get through this was to focus on the details. So he called realtors, looked for jobs, and arranged everything with Julie. At night, he laid down beside Sydney but didn’t take her in his arms as he usually did. When he was sure she was asleep, he crept out of bed and went out to the couch to cry. Sometimes he tortured himself with old photo albums, full of pictures of Nadia when she still adored her parents, but most of the time, he didn’t need help making the tears come.
A week after they decided to send Nadia back to Oregon, Vaughn left the office early, planning to come home and talk to another realtor about a promising house that wasn’t too far from Julie’s. As soon as he walked in, however, he knew something was wrong. Nadia was sitting in the living room with Sienna in her arms. Sienna was crying, and Nadia looked dangerously close to tears herself as she tried to comfort her little sister. Nadia glanced up, her eyes wide and guilty as she caught sight of her dad.
“Nadia, what’s going on?” he asked tightly. “Where’s your mom?”
“Daddy!” Sienna wailed, suddenly crawling out of Nadia’s arms and running across the room to grab his legs.
He temporarily abandoned his other worries in favour of kneeling down to scoop up his youngest daughter, cradling her close and rubbing her back as she sobbed into his shirt. “Hey Sweet Girl,” he murmured softly. “It’s okay now. Daddy’s here. It’s alright,” he attempted to soothe. She hiccupped with the force of her tears, soaking his shirt through. “Sea, Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked worriedly, glancing over her shoulder to Nadia and suddenly getting a sick feeling in his stomach. His older daughter had the unmistakeable look of a child who had just been caught doing something she shouldn’t have done, and he knew whatever happened here had happened because of her. And since both the girls were here alone, it probably involved Sydney. As much as he wanted to go find her and find out what happened, his first priority had to be Sienna right now. “Sea, come on, Angel. Talk to me, Sweetheart,” he encouraged her.
“Mommy and DeeDee yelled a lot,” she answered mournfully through her tears.
How did I know that? he asked himself wryly. Of course they yelled a lot. Nadia was quite talented in that area. “It’s okay, Sweet Girl,” he said quietly.
“Mommy cried, Daddy,” she stated sadly, raising her head for the first time and looking up at him with pretty green eyes filled with tears. “She cried a lot.”
“I know, Angel,” he sympathised. “I know, but it’s okay. I know Mommy and DeeDee got mad at each other, but sometimes people just get angry, and they say things they don’t mean,” he explained gently. “And when people fight, sometimes it makes them really sad,” he added. “But it’s okay. Mommy and DeeDee didn’t mean to get so mad at each other. I’m sure they’re very sorry they upset you.”
“They always yell, Daddy,” she lamented. “And it makes Mommy really sad.”
“I know, Angel,” he murmured. “I know, but Mommy’s okay. She’s alright. Everything is going to get better really soon,” he promised, unable to resist glancing over at Nadia to see if any of this was affecting her. He wasn’t even sure he felt relieved when he saw her staring down at the floor in tears at what she had created here.
“When DeeDee goes away?” Sienna asked, reaching up with her tiny hand to wipe her tear-stained cheeks.
Vaughn didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Yes, Sweetheart. When your sister moves away again, at least our family will get along. She won’t live with us anymore and we’ll all be miserable without her, but at least you won’t have to hear the fighting anymore. “It will get better soon,” he answered again instead. “I promise.”
“I want Mommy,” she pouted, laying her head back against his shoulder.
Vaughn just held her for a few more minutes, letting the last of the tears fall from her eyes and giving her a moment to calm down before depositing her back on the couch with Nadia. “You stay here, Angel. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he told her, turning his attention to Nadia. His older daughter looked down at the floor again, having enough shame to feel guilty. “What happened, Nadia?” he asked calmly.
“Mom and I had a fight,” she answered quietly.
“Yeah, I gathered that,” he responded wryly. “What did you fight about?”
Nadia looked up at him, but she didn’t answer his question.
“Great,” he muttered under his breath. “Where is she? In the bedroom?” he inquired.
“I think she’s in the attic,” she answered, her voice near a whisper.
Again, Vaughn’s stomach churned. “Take Sienna to her room,” he demanded, leaving no room for her to question his orders.
Nadia nodded obediently and gently took her sister’s hand, whispering something to her and then leading her down the hallway. Vaughn watched, amazed that she could be so kind and compassionate with her little sister and so mean and hateful towards everyone else. Sighing in weary frustration, he started up the stairs towards the attic, not even sure he wanted to know what his wife was doing there.
“Syd?” he called as he approached the attic door and found it wide open. “Syd, you in here? Nadia said....” he stopped abruptly when he nearly stepped on one of Nadia’s baby outfits and quickly surveyed the damage done to their neatly organised boxes. “What the hell are you doing?” he cried in alarm, immediately bending over and starting to pick up the mementos from her early years now scattered across the floor of the attic.
Sydney was too intent on her mission to listen to him, continuing her frantic quest to locate and remove every single item stored in these boxes to remind them of those first few precious years with their firstborn. Tears streamed wildly down her face, obscuring her already dust-blurred vision, but she just kept going, eliminating items one by one until every box was empty.
“Sydney, stop!” Vaughn demanded. When she didn’t, he did the only thing he could do and grabbed her hands to forcibly halt her progress. “Sydney, stop it,” he repeated. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting rid of it,” she answered through her tears.
“Well, yeah, I can see that,” he retorted sarcastically. “But why? You’re going to ruin it!”
“Exactly,” she responded flippantly, attempting to yank her hands free so she could return to her task.
“Sydney!” he cried again, once more grabbing her hands to stop her. “Stop, you can’t do this!”
“Why not?” she challenged, wiping her eyes with shaky hands and smearing more dust on her face. “She hates us, Vaughn. She’s leaving. She doesn’t want to be with us anymore. Don’t you get that? All of this,” she said, gesturing wildly to the items scattered around them. “All of it....it’s for nothing. Nothing, Vaughn!” she cried hysterically. “What was it for? Why did we do it? We poured our lives into her, Vaughn. She was everything. She always came first. Everything we did and every decision we made, we did it for her! But she doesn’t care! She hates us and she doesn’t want to stay with us anymore. My baby, Vaughn. I have to give her away. The child I almost died for, that almost tore us apart....I have to give her to another woman to raise and let go of everything I’ve wanted since the day I found out I was pregnant. It’s not supposed to be this way! She’s supposed to love us and want us in her life, but she doesn’t, and I can’t live like this anymore. If she’s leaving, I don’t want any of this anymore. I don’t want the reminders. I don’t want every little thing I saved to show her one day. I can’t do it. I just....I just....” she stopped, unable to continue as the tears took over. Vaughn immediately opened his arms to her, and she fell into them, sobbing helplessly against his chest. He could feel his heart breaking for their family, and especially for her. He ignored her pain, and his, until now, but it was obvious he could not let this continue. While he could get away during the day and bury himself in his work, Sydney had only the girls and only this house which tormented her at every turn. He brought her as close as he could, absorbing her tears as he had Sienna’s and allowing his own to drip down his cheeks into her hair as they swayed slightly back and forth in the dark attic.
“Oh Syd,” he murmured brokenly. Until now he mostly rationalised their decision and told himself it would make Nadia happy, pushing the reality of the situation aside. While he initially resisted Sydney’s proposition, he couldn’t live with himself after he heard Nadia’s tearful confession to Julie on the phone. He spared Sydney the pain of that phone call, and he used it to quell his own crushing emotions. He told himself they would move to Oregon and see her almost every day, but Sydney was right. Giving her back to Julie meant giving up everything. It meant giving up their right to be her parents, a right they had more than earned with all the days and hours spent agonising at the hospital after her birth, the nights they spent fighting when it became too much, the minutes they spent comforting her when she was sick, the absolute adoration they showered upon her for four years. Even when they were apart from her, she was in their thoughts at every moment, always a presence among them even when they couldn’t see her. Every decision and every tear they shed was for her, in the hopes that one day they could be a whole family again, reunited after so much time apart. She didn’t understand their sacrifice, but they had given up everything only to have her refuse their love. He was trying so hard not to be angry with her and understand she was a scared, confused little girl, but all he wanted was to raise his children with his wife and he was being deprived of that fundamental right by no fault of his own. How would they survive this? How could they let her go knowing she would never be theirs again?
“I don’t understand, Vaughn,” Sydney cried. “What did I do wrong? Why can’t we just have our family? We tried so hard. We loved her so much. She was our world, and now she just wants nothing to do with us. I don’t know how to let her go. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live knowing that my daughter is never going to be mine again.”
“I don’t either, Sydney,” he confessed. “I don’t know. I just want to turn back time and make everything the way it was before, but I can’t, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that she’s miserable and she doesn’t want to stay. We can’t force her to do that. You were right - we have to do what we’ve always done and put her first, but I don’t know how to give up my baby girl, either. I don’t know how anyone can expect parents to lose their child twice in their lives. It’s just not fair.”
“We did it for her, Vaughn. For her. Why can’t she understand that? Why does she still hate us? We never would have left her if we had any choice. We’re being punished for putting our daughter first and giving up everything for her. And it seems so cruel after everything. Didn’t we earn the right to be her parents? Julie may have loved her, but she didn’t go through what we did. She didn’t have to sit by her crib in the hospital and pray she was going to be alright. She didn’t have to live through that terror, but she’s the one our baby girl wants. I can’t do it, Vaughn. I know I have to, but I don’t know if I can.”
“I don’t either, Syd,” he admitted in a whisper. He wanted to be stronger than that and offer her the answers she so desperately needed, but honestly, he didn’t know how to survive this, either. Giving up his daughter the first time had been hard enough, but he reminded himself every day that it was saving her life. He had no choice but to give her up if he was going to keep her safe. But this was her decision. This was her rejecting them and telling them she could not love them after what they did to her. And she would never even realise they did it for her, not to her. It was to save her life, and she would never even understand how impossibly hard it was for them to walk away from her, never knowing when or if they would see her again.
“I wanted to reach her, Vaughn,” she whispered. “I just wanted her to know how much I love her.”
“What happened?” he asked in concern, stepping back a little and wiping at her tears with his thumbs. “She just said you had a fight.”
“She came home and played with Sienna for a while, and then she went upstairs to do her homework. Sienna wanted to watch a movie, so I went to see if Nadia needed any help with any of her assignments. I didn’t say anything about Julie or about her leaving, but she seemed upset about something, so I tried to talk to her. I guess it was stupid, but I just wanted her to know I’m still going to be here for her, even if she doesn’t live with us anymore.”
“That’s not stupid, Syd,” he shook his head. “I think it’s important for her to know that.”
“But she doesn’t care,” she choked out, holding back another sob. “She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even want me to be there. Maybe you, but not me, and I don’t know why. She was so awful to me, Vaughn. She started yelling at me and telling me she didn’t need my help and that I don’t even care about her. I don’t understand. Why would she think that? What did I do?”
“Nothing, Syd,” he answered quickly, not wanting her to believe for a second that any of this was really about her. He couldn’t explain why Nadia felt the need to take out everything on her mother, but he knew it wasn’t anything about Sydney herself. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Nadia is just confused. I think she’s just hurting more than we even know, and she’s not talking to us or telling us why, and she’s only nine. She doesn’t know how to deal with it. It doesn’t make it right, but I promise you, it couldn’t possibly be about you.”
“I thought we were going to make this work. When she came home, I was just so sure everything was going to be okay,” she cried softly.
“I know, me too. But we had no way of knowing how hard it was going to be for her, and she didn’t, either.”
“I know,” she nodded. “I know, and I’m trying to tell myself that, but it’s just so hard to lose her again, and I’m so scared she’s never going to be able to talk to me or be around me without hating me.”
“We’ll get there, Syd,” he promised. “And that’s why she has to leave. I don’t think it can happen until she realises that we really will do anything to make her happy. But she will come around. We’ll make sure she does. I know it’s not going to be exactly how we want it, but at least we’ll be able to see her and talk to her whenever we want.”
She nodded, still leaning heavily against him and needing his support. He wished she didn’t need him so much right now because he wasn’t sure how much he had left to give her, but he tried to remind himself this was even harder for her because she was taking the full brunt of Nadia’s anger and hostility. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t be,” he shook his head. “You never have to be sorry. You know that. We’re going to get through this, Sydney,” he promised. “I’m sorry I haven’t really been there for you. I’m struggling, too, but we have to help each other.”
“I don’t know what I can do for you,” she said honestly. “When I’m done dealing with Nadia and taking care of Sienna, I just feel like I have nothing left.”
It ripped at his gut, but it was just more proof they had to let Nadia go to save their family and their marriage. “That’s part of why we have to do this, Syd. We can’t keep going the way things have been.”
“What if it’s worse?” she asked fearfully. “What if letting her leave-”
“Syd,” he cut her off. “We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to get through this. We have to put them first right now and get Nadia back where she wants to be, but I’m not going to let it tear you and me apart. I promise you that.”
She nodded and straightened up a little, wiping again at her eyes. “I made a mess,” she realised, glancing around at the baby clothes and memorabilia strewn across the attic floor. “I’m sorry. I just....I lost it.”
“I don’t blame you. And don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you go downstairs and clean up a little, and I’ll take care of all of this,” he offered. “I’ll see if my mom can come watch the girls tonight, and we’ll go get some dinner and just get away for a few hours.”
He could tell Sydney wanted to protest, but he suspected she needed this more than she would admit. “Okay,” she agreed, taking a step away from her.
“Hey,” he said softly, reaching over and taking her hand, pulling her back to kiss her lightly on the forehead. “We’ll be okay, Syd. I’m not sure how, but we’ll make it okay.”
She nodded, but the flicker of doubt in her eyes wasn’t missed by him. And in a way, it made him feel like a failure. As a husband and as a father. Sydney didn’t always need his protection, especially when they were up against the bad guys, but when it came to their family, he was supposed to take care of her and their kids. She wasn’t supposed to bear the burden of Nadia’s bad behaviour all by herself, and most of the time, she did. Maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault, but he couldn’t help feeling culpable for allowing her to endure this alone.
Sydney slipped out of his arms and quietly left the attic, leaving him alone to clean up the mess of her tirade with Nadia’s baby toys and clothes. He tried not to cry himself, but it was hard to see all these things and not wonder where it all went wrong. Nadia had once been the centre of their lives. Before Sienna was even a thought in their minds, they had this one precious little girl, this unbelievable gift they were so thankful for. She had come at such a strange time in their lives, in the midst of so much darkness, and her birth itself had been the cause of great turmoil between them. But they found their way back to one another and found a whole new level of joy when they were finally reunited at home with their baby girl. It was so hard to believe that their lives were now being torn apart by that same beautiful child. She saved them from so much grief and misery, and now she was the source of it. As he surveyed the damage and picked up her tiny little clothes off the dusty attic floor, he had to wonder if she would ever really be his again.
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Dinner couldn’t begin to solve the problems, but it was exactly what Sydney needed. She needed to get away, out of the house, away from the girls she spent all of her time caring for to spend a few hours alone with her husband. For just those few quiet hours, they were Sydney and Vaughn again, and they made an unspoken agreement not to talk about the problems at home. They needed to escape, just for a little while, so they pretended nothing else existed.
When they got home, Vaughn offered to go get Sienna ready for bed so she could go relax outside on the porch. He promised to join her soon, so she kissed Sienna goodnight and then wandered out to the back porch and sat down on the swing Vaughn had put up shortly after they moved into the house over nine years ago. It squeaked now with her every move, but it calmed her now just as it had all those years ago. It was a beautiful night outside, a soft breeze blowing her hair around her face, and she felt a sense of dull acceptance finally beginning to set in and restoring some semblance of peace to her soul. This was how it had to be, and she had to survive, simple as that. Her husband and youngest daughter needed her, and they would somehow manage to carry on without Nadia. Every day would hurt, and she would never stop regretting her many failures with Nadia, but she was simply out of options. She had no choice but to pick up and move on with her life, no matter how much pain it caused her. As she looked out over the backyard where they once spent their lazy Saturdays, she felt a fresh wave of bitter tears assailing her eyes. Tears of regret, of sorrow, of nostalgia for days that would never come again. Her baby girl had grown up and become someone she didn’t recognise anymore, someone that didn’t need or want her. In a sense, that carefree little girl that once played on these swings had died, and the life that bloomed beside her died as well. Soon they would have to pack their belongings and leave this house, the house she and Vaughn had chosen before Nadia and Sienna were even thoughts in their minds. She would say goodbye to the life she had known and pray for better days in their new life in Oregon.
She would miss this city. Sometimes she hated Los Angeles, hated the environment, the traffic, the constant hustle and bustle. But it was also the place she called home for so long, the place where she met her husband and started a life with him. It was the place she met her best friends in the world, and the place where she lost them. It held so many precious - and painful - memories, and she dreamed for so long of just coming home. This house once represented everythign she wanted in life - normalcy, stability, peace. Though it no longer promised any of those things, she had never fully been able to let go. All those years of moving and being bounced from place to place took their toll, and she just wanted to be here. Her father would probably never consider leaving Los Angeles, and she wondered if Celia would, either. They had both lived here for so long. As much as they loved their family, it would be hard to cut all ties with this place and move somewhere new and unfamiliar. Moving to Oregon meant starting all over, yet again. They promised Sienna she never had to move again, and now they were breaking that promise, just as she was finally settling in.
But it had to be done. They had no choice. They made a mistake listening to Nadia when she was so confused and desperate, and now they had to pay the price and do what was right by their daughter, even if it meant hurting the other. Sienna could still get over it, and in time, she would. Nadia, on the other hand, was quickly slipping away, and they were out of time to help her. Now she could only pray their oldest would one day forgive them and realise every mistake they made, they made out of love for their girls. It was something every parent understood, and something no child ever really could.
“Mom?” a tiny voice suddenly asked.
She turned, surprised to see Nadia standing in the doorway, her sandy blonde hair loose and tumbling around her shoulders and her green eyes appearing slightly anxious and uncertain. It was a rare thing for Nadia to seek out her mother, and it broke Sydney’s heart once more that her daughter was actually afraid of coming to her. Where did I go wrong with you, Nadia? she asked herself. Why can’t you see how much I love you? “Hey Nady,” she greeted weakly instead, her voice a little hoarse from the tears even as she forced a smile to her face. Nadia was probably worried to confront her after their fight today, and she needed her to know she would always forgive her, no matter how horribly she acted. “Did you need something?”
Nadia just shook her head and stood rooted to her spot in the doorway. She was quiet for a moment, glancing down at the ground and the sky and everywhere she could to keep her eyes away from her mother’s. Finally, she dared to speak again. “Can I....can I come out?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, of course,” Sydney answered, trying to hide the bewilderment she felt.
Nadia slowly stepped out onto the porch, seemingly unsure of where she should go or what she should do. After a moment, she took a few steps closer, stopping just before she reached the swing and turning to look out over her backyard. “We used to play out here,” she said quietly. “When you and Dad weren’t working.”
Stamping out the confusion, Sydney just nodded in quiet confirmation. “Yeah, we did. You remember that?” she asked, somewhat surprised. So far, Nadia hadn’t said anything about her memories of this house, so she just assumed most of them had faded away.
“Some of it,” Nadia shrugged. “Not much.”
“You used to love it out here. You always wanted to come out here every free second we had, which thrilled your dad since he and Eric built that swingset.”
“He built it?” Nadia asked.
“Yeah,” she nodded, laughing a little as she remembered the ordeal that had been. “It took them a while. Your dad is good at a lot of things, but he’s not really much of a handyman.”
Nadia actually giggled a little at this, and it brought a smile to Sydney’s face. “I didn’t remember that he built it.”
“Yeah, he did. And then he was so nervous it was going to fall apart while you were on it. They must have tested it a hundred times,” she recalled. “But you loved it. You could entertain yourself for hours....longer if your dad and I were playing with you,” she explained, another wave of bittersweet sadness washing over her. She found herself fighting tears once more and raised a hand to wipe it away before Nadia saw. But she wasn’t fast enough, and her daughter turned just in time to see her wiping her eyes. A guilty look crossed Nadia’s face, and she glanced down at the ground again.
“Are you okay, Mom?” she asked uncertainly.
Sydney almost laughed at that, not sure what answer she could give. No, Sweetheart, I’m not okay. And I can’t be, not without you. That would be the honest answer, but as horrible as Nadia had been to her, she really didn’t want her to feel guilty. It wasn’t her fault, not really. She was too young to bear this burden, and she was too young to have any idea what to do with all the crazy emotions swirling around inside of her. “You don’t need to worry, Nadia,” she managed to answer.
Her daughter nodded, but to her surprise, a stray tear leaked down Nadia’s pale cheeks. If possible, Sydney was even more bewildered. It was the first time she had seen her daughter express anything even close to remorse, and now she was crying? “Mommy?” Nadia asked in a small voice.
“What’s wrong, Honey?” Sydney asked, frowning in concern and confusion.
Nadia looked up with doleful eyes filled with tears and then suddenly climbed into the swing and right into her mother’s lap. Sydney was almost too surprised to react, completely taken aback by her daughter’s sudden desire to be close to her when she had been so hateful and uncaring for months. Quickly recovering, she wrapped her arms tightly around Nadia, relishing in the closeness, if only for a moment. “I want you to be okay, Mommy,” Nadia whispered shakily.
“Oh Sweetheart,” she breathed, fighting with all her strength against the urge to just break down and sob. “Nadia, listen to me, Honey. You don’t need to worry about your dad and me. You don’t ever need to be worried about us. This is going to be hard for us,” she said honestly. “But we love you so much and we just want you to be happy. That’s what matters to us.”
“But I heard you, Mom,” Nadia protested. “I know I wasn’t supposed to,” she said quickly. “Dad told me to stay with Sienna, but I left her in her room and I came upstairs anyway,” she confessed tearfully. “And I heard what you said in the attic. I’m sorry, Mom. I know I should have stayed with Sienna like Dad told me to but-”
“Shh,” Sydney hushed her. “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. But I was just upset, Sweetheart,” she tried to explain. “You don’t need to worry about that. I’m sorry if I scared you, but it’s okay.”
“I didn’t mean to make you cry, Mommy,” Nadia stated mournfully, tears rolling furiously down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s okay, Baby,” she murmured. “It’s okay. You just have to understand, this was never what your dad and I wanted to happen. The day I found out I was having a baby....it was one of the best days of my life,” she said honestly, trying hard to resist the urge to sob as she remembered hearing those words for the first time, realising that she and Vaughn were going to have a child together. “I was so excited, and so was your dad,” she continued. “We just couldn’t believe it, and all we wanted was to have you and each other and spend the rest of our lives taking care of you. You don’t even know how amazing it was to see you for the first time, to hold you and kiss you. We have loved you more than anything since before you were even born, and it’s so hard to think about not having you with us anymore.”
“Then why did you leave me?” Nadia asked miserably. “I don’t understand! You just left me! You promised to come home and you just left me!”
“I know, Nady, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to us. But you don’t know what these people are like and what they would have done if we didn’t send you somewhere you could be safe. Your little sister was kidnapped, Nadia. She was taken from her own bedroom while she was asleep. We just wanted to save you from that. We couldn’t save her, but we could protect you, so we did everything we could. I know you feel like we failed you, and maybe we did, Nady,” she admitted. “Maybe we should have done something more before any of this happened. Maybe we could have stopped it, but we didn’t know. We just....we didn’t know, Sweetheart. We tried everything we could, but the only thing that really mattered was making sure no one could hurt you. I am so sorry for what we did, but it was for you, Nady. It was to keep you safe. I’m just so sorry we hurt you so much. The last thing I ever wanted was to be separated from you.”
By the end of her speech, Nadia was sobbing helplessly and clinging to her mom like her last lifeline. Vaughn must have heard the commotion and came rushing out to see what was wrong, but Sydney held up her hand to stop him, knowing Nadia was incredibly vulnerable right now and any little thing could destroy whatever progress they just made. He looked like he wanted to protest, but he nodded and turned away, leaving them alone together on the porch. For a few minutes, Sydney just let her daughter cry, cradling her close and rocking her back and forth as the breeze gently blew the swing. In that moment, all the sins of the past were erased, and they were just mother and daughter again. None of the angry words and the fighting mattered anymore; her little girl was here, in her arms, needing her once more.
“Nadia,” she whispered after a few minutes. “Do you know why we named you that? Do you know why your dad and I picked that name for you?” she asked, not waiting for an answer before continuing. “Because it means hope. That’s what you were for us. Our hope. Some horrible things happened before you were born, and we went through a really rough time, and then suddenly, there you were. And you were early....ten weeks early. You just couldn’t wait to get out in the world and amaze everybody, and every time we looked at you, we knew everything was going to be okay. And you know what? That’s still true,” she said honestly. “I look at you, and even though everything is so wrong right now and so mixed up, I know that we’re all going to get through it because you are beautiful and amazing and everything your dad and I ever wanted.”
“Mommy,” Nadia wailed, trying to get even closer as she sobbed into her shirt.
“Shh,” Sydney soothed, rubbing her daughter’s back and trying to calm her down. “It’s okay, Sweetheart. I promise you, everything is going to be okay.”
And for once, she actually believed that.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Alias is not mine. It belongs to JJ Abrams, Touchstone, Bad Robot, and ABC.
Chapter Four
The next day, Vaughn called Julie and talked to her about the possibility of Nadia returning to Oregon to live with her again. Julie was shocked, to say the least, and though she couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice, she strongly urged them to think about it before they made any final decisions.
But their minds were made up.
No one could deal with this any longer. Not Sydney, not Sienna, and not him. He loved Nadia, but he just couldn’t let her tear apart what was left of their family. So he started looking for houses and jobs, and they started planning for Nadia to go back to Oregon within the next few weeks. It broke his heart, but it was the only way to put his family back together again, the only way to make sure that Sienna had a chance at a normal life, and the only way to make Nadia smile again.
For the first few days after they made the decision to send her back to Oregon, he and Sydney didn’t speak. At all. They would talk when absolutely necessary, but most of the time it was in short sentences and had something to do with a meal being ready or one of the girls needing something. Emotion was running too high, and somehow they both knew that speaking a word to one another would only end in fighting and tears. He didn’t ask her how she was doing. He didn’t need to ask. He knew she was falling apart and trying her hardest to carry on as though this wasn’t absolutely destroying her. But he had no words of comfort for her. He wasn’t feeling any better himself, and if he dared to speak about it, he too would fall apart. The only way he could get through this was to focus on the details. So he called realtors, looked for jobs, and arranged everything with Julie. At night, he laid down beside Sydney but didn’t take her in his arms as he usually did. When he was sure she was asleep, he crept out of bed and went out to the couch to cry. Sometimes he tortured himself with old photo albums, full of pictures of Nadia when she still adored her parents, but most of the time, he didn’t need help making the tears come.
A week after they decided to send Nadia back to Oregon, Vaughn left the office early, planning to come home and talk to another realtor about a promising house that wasn’t too far from Julie’s. As soon as he walked in, however, he knew something was wrong. Nadia was sitting in the living room with Sienna in her arms. Sienna was crying, and Nadia looked dangerously close to tears herself as she tried to comfort her little sister. Nadia glanced up, her eyes wide and guilty as she caught sight of her dad.
“Nadia, what’s going on?” he asked tightly. “Where’s your mom?”
“Daddy!” Sienna wailed, suddenly crawling out of Nadia’s arms and running across the room to grab his legs.
He temporarily abandoned his other worries in favour of kneeling down to scoop up his youngest daughter, cradling her close and rubbing her back as she sobbed into his shirt. “Hey Sweet Girl,” he murmured softly. “It’s okay now. Daddy’s here. It’s alright,” he attempted to soothe. She hiccupped with the force of her tears, soaking his shirt through. “Sea, Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked worriedly, glancing over her shoulder to Nadia and suddenly getting a sick feeling in his stomach. His older daughter had the unmistakeable look of a child who had just been caught doing something she shouldn’t have done, and he knew whatever happened here had happened because of her. And since both the girls were here alone, it probably involved Sydney. As much as he wanted to go find her and find out what happened, his first priority had to be Sienna right now. “Sea, come on, Angel. Talk to me, Sweetheart,” he encouraged her.
“Mommy and DeeDee yelled a lot,” she answered mournfully through her tears.
How did I know that? he asked himself wryly. Of course they yelled a lot. Nadia was quite talented in that area. “It’s okay, Sweet Girl,” he said quietly.
“Mommy cried, Daddy,” she stated sadly, raising her head for the first time and looking up at him with pretty green eyes filled with tears. “She cried a lot.”
“I know, Angel,” he sympathised. “I know, but it’s okay. I know Mommy and DeeDee got mad at each other, but sometimes people just get angry, and they say things they don’t mean,” he explained gently. “And when people fight, sometimes it makes them really sad,” he added. “But it’s okay. Mommy and DeeDee didn’t mean to get so mad at each other. I’m sure they’re very sorry they upset you.”
“They always yell, Daddy,” she lamented. “And it makes Mommy really sad.”
“I know, Angel,” he murmured. “I know, but Mommy’s okay. She’s alright. Everything is going to get better really soon,” he promised, unable to resist glancing over at Nadia to see if any of this was affecting her. He wasn’t even sure he felt relieved when he saw her staring down at the floor in tears at what she had created here.
“When DeeDee goes away?” Sienna asked, reaching up with her tiny hand to wipe her tear-stained cheeks.
Vaughn didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Yes, Sweetheart. When your sister moves away again, at least our family will get along. She won’t live with us anymore and we’ll all be miserable without her, but at least you won’t have to hear the fighting anymore. “It will get better soon,” he answered again instead. “I promise.”
“I want Mommy,” she pouted, laying her head back against his shoulder.
Vaughn just held her for a few more minutes, letting the last of the tears fall from her eyes and giving her a moment to calm down before depositing her back on the couch with Nadia. “You stay here, Angel. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he told her, turning his attention to Nadia. His older daughter looked down at the floor again, having enough shame to feel guilty. “What happened, Nadia?” he asked calmly.
“Mom and I had a fight,” she answered quietly.
“Yeah, I gathered that,” he responded wryly. “What did you fight about?”
Nadia looked up at him, but she didn’t answer his question.
“Great,” he muttered under his breath. “Where is she? In the bedroom?” he inquired.
“I think she’s in the attic,” she answered, her voice near a whisper.
Again, Vaughn’s stomach churned. “Take Sienna to her room,” he demanded, leaving no room for her to question his orders.
Nadia nodded obediently and gently took her sister’s hand, whispering something to her and then leading her down the hallway. Vaughn watched, amazed that she could be so kind and compassionate with her little sister and so mean and hateful towards everyone else. Sighing in weary frustration, he started up the stairs towards the attic, not even sure he wanted to know what his wife was doing there.
“Syd?” he called as he approached the attic door and found it wide open. “Syd, you in here? Nadia said....” he stopped abruptly when he nearly stepped on one of Nadia’s baby outfits and quickly surveyed the damage done to their neatly organised boxes. “What the hell are you doing?” he cried in alarm, immediately bending over and starting to pick up the mementos from her early years now scattered across the floor of the attic.
Sydney was too intent on her mission to listen to him, continuing her frantic quest to locate and remove every single item stored in these boxes to remind them of those first few precious years with their firstborn. Tears streamed wildly down her face, obscuring her already dust-blurred vision, but she just kept going, eliminating items one by one until every box was empty.
“Sydney, stop!” Vaughn demanded. When she didn’t, he did the only thing he could do and grabbed her hands to forcibly halt her progress. “Sydney, stop it,” he repeated. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting rid of it,” she answered through her tears.
“Well, yeah, I can see that,” he retorted sarcastically. “But why? You’re going to ruin it!”
“Exactly,” she responded flippantly, attempting to yank her hands free so she could return to her task.
“Sydney!” he cried again, once more grabbing her hands to stop her. “Stop, you can’t do this!”
“Why not?” she challenged, wiping her eyes with shaky hands and smearing more dust on her face. “She hates us, Vaughn. She’s leaving. She doesn’t want to be with us anymore. Don’t you get that? All of this,” she said, gesturing wildly to the items scattered around them. “All of it....it’s for nothing. Nothing, Vaughn!” she cried hysterically. “What was it for? Why did we do it? We poured our lives into her, Vaughn. She was everything. She always came first. Everything we did and every decision we made, we did it for her! But she doesn’t care! She hates us and she doesn’t want to stay with us anymore. My baby, Vaughn. I have to give her away. The child I almost died for, that almost tore us apart....I have to give her to another woman to raise and let go of everything I’ve wanted since the day I found out I was pregnant. It’s not supposed to be this way! She’s supposed to love us and want us in her life, but she doesn’t, and I can’t live like this anymore. If she’s leaving, I don’t want any of this anymore. I don’t want the reminders. I don’t want every little thing I saved to show her one day. I can’t do it. I just....I just....” she stopped, unable to continue as the tears took over. Vaughn immediately opened his arms to her, and she fell into them, sobbing helplessly against his chest. He could feel his heart breaking for their family, and especially for her. He ignored her pain, and his, until now, but it was obvious he could not let this continue. While he could get away during the day and bury himself in his work, Sydney had only the girls and only this house which tormented her at every turn. He brought her as close as he could, absorbing her tears as he had Sienna’s and allowing his own to drip down his cheeks into her hair as they swayed slightly back and forth in the dark attic.
“Oh Syd,” he murmured brokenly. Until now he mostly rationalised their decision and told himself it would make Nadia happy, pushing the reality of the situation aside. While he initially resisted Sydney’s proposition, he couldn’t live with himself after he heard Nadia’s tearful confession to Julie on the phone. He spared Sydney the pain of that phone call, and he used it to quell his own crushing emotions. He told himself they would move to Oregon and see her almost every day, but Sydney was right. Giving her back to Julie meant giving up everything. It meant giving up their right to be her parents, a right they had more than earned with all the days and hours spent agonising at the hospital after her birth, the nights they spent fighting when it became too much, the minutes they spent comforting her when she was sick, the absolute adoration they showered upon her for four years. Even when they were apart from her, she was in their thoughts at every moment, always a presence among them even when they couldn’t see her. Every decision and every tear they shed was for her, in the hopes that one day they could be a whole family again, reunited after so much time apart. She didn’t understand their sacrifice, but they had given up everything only to have her refuse their love. He was trying so hard not to be angry with her and understand she was a scared, confused little girl, but all he wanted was to raise his children with his wife and he was being deprived of that fundamental right by no fault of his own. How would they survive this? How could they let her go knowing she would never be theirs again?
“I don’t understand, Vaughn,” Sydney cried. “What did I do wrong? Why can’t we just have our family? We tried so hard. We loved her so much. She was our world, and now she just wants nothing to do with us. I don’t know how to let her go. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live knowing that my daughter is never going to be mine again.”
“I don’t either, Sydney,” he confessed. “I don’t know. I just want to turn back time and make everything the way it was before, but I can’t, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that she’s miserable and she doesn’t want to stay. We can’t force her to do that. You were right - we have to do what we’ve always done and put her first, but I don’t know how to give up my baby girl, either. I don’t know how anyone can expect parents to lose their child twice in their lives. It’s just not fair.”
“We did it for her, Vaughn. For her. Why can’t she understand that? Why does she still hate us? We never would have left her if we had any choice. We’re being punished for putting our daughter first and giving up everything for her. And it seems so cruel after everything. Didn’t we earn the right to be her parents? Julie may have loved her, but she didn’t go through what we did. She didn’t have to sit by her crib in the hospital and pray she was going to be alright. She didn’t have to live through that terror, but she’s the one our baby girl wants. I can’t do it, Vaughn. I know I have to, but I don’t know if I can.”
“I don’t either, Syd,” he admitted in a whisper. He wanted to be stronger than that and offer her the answers she so desperately needed, but honestly, he didn’t know how to survive this, either. Giving up his daughter the first time had been hard enough, but he reminded himself every day that it was saving her life. He had no choice but to give her up if he was going to keep her safe. But this was her decision. This was her rejecting them and telling them she could not love them after what they did to her. And she would never even realise they did it for her, not to her. It was to save her life, and she would never even understand how impossibly hard it was for them to walk away from her, never knowing when or if they would see her again.
“I wanted to reach her, Vaughn,” she whispered. “I just wanted her to know how much I love her.”
“What happened?” he asked in concern, stepping back a little and wiping at her tears with his thumbs. “She just said you had a fight.”
“She came home and played with Sienna for a while, and then she went upstairs to do her homework. Sienna wanted to watch a movie, so I went to see if Nadia needed any help with any of her assignments. I didn’t say anything about Julie or about her leaving, but she seemed upset about something, so I tried to talk to her. I guess it was stupid, but I just wanted her to know I’m still going to be here for her, even if she doesn’t live with us anymore.”
“That’s not stupid, Syd,” he shook his head. “I think it’s important for her to know that.”
“But she doesn’t care,” she choked out, holding back another sob. “She doesn’t care. She doesn’t even want me to be there. Maybe you, but not me, and I don’t know why. She was so awful to me, Vaughn. She started yelling at me and telling me she didn’t need my help and that I don’t even care about her. I don’t understand. Why would she think that? What did I do?”
“Nothing, Syd,” he answered quickly, not wanting her to believe for a second that any of this was really about her. He couldn’t explain why Nadia felt the need to take out everything on her mother, but he knew it wasn’t anything about Sydney herself. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Nadia is just confused. I think she’s just hurting more than we even know, and she’s not talking to us or telling us why, and she’s only nine. She doesn’t know how to deal with it. It doesn’t make it right, but I promise you, it couldn’t possibly be about you.”
“I thought we were going to make this work. When she came home, I was just so sure everything was going to be okay,” she cried softly.
“I know, me too. But we had no way of knowing how hard it was going to be for her, and she didn’t, either.”
“I know,” she nodded. “I know, and I’m trying to tell myself that, but it’s just so hard to lose her again, and I’m so scared she’s never going to be able to talk to me or be around me without hating me.”
“We’ll get there, Syd,” he promised. “And that’s why she has to leave. I don’t think it can happen until she realises that we really will do anything to make her happy. But she will come around. We’ll make sure she does. I know it’s not going to be exactly how we want it, but at least we’ll be able to see her and talk to her whenever we want.”
She nodded, still leaning heavily against him and needing his support. He wished she didn’t need him so much right now because he wasn’t sure how much he had left to give her, but he tried to remind himself this was even harder for her because she was taking the full brunt of Nadia’s anger and hostility. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t be,” he shook his head. “You never have to be sorry. You know that. We’re going to get through this, Sydney,” he promised. “I’m sorry I haven’t really been there for you. I’m struggling, too, but we have to help each other.”
“I don’t know what I can do for you,” she said honestly. “When I’m done dealing with Nadia and taking care of Sienna, I just feel like I have nothing left.”
It ripped at his gut, but it was just more proof they had to let Nadia go to save their family and their marriage. “That’s part of why we have to do this, Syd. We can’t keep going the way things have been.”
“What if it’s worse?” she asked fearfully. “What if letting her leave-”
“Syd,” he cut her off. “We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to get through this. We have to put them first right now and get Nadia back where she wants to be, but I’m not going to let it tear you and me apart. I promise you that.”
She nodded and straightened up a little, wiping again at her eyes. “I made a mess,” she realised, glancing around at the baby clothes and memorabilia strewn across the attic floor. “I’m sorry. I just....I lost it.”
“I don’t blame you. And don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. Why don’t you go downstairs and clean up a little, and I’ll take care of all of this,” he offered. “I’ll see if my mom can come watch the girls tonight, and we’ll go get some dinner and just get away for a few hours.”
He could tell Sydney wanted to protest, but he suspected she needed this more than she would admit. “Okay,” she agreed, taking a step away from her.
“Hey,” he said softly, reaching over and taking her hand, pulling her back to kiss her lightly on the forehead. “We’ll be okay, Syd. I’m not sure how, but we’ll make it okay.”
She nodded, but the flicker of doubt in her eyes wasn’t missed by him. And in a way, it made him feel like a failure. As a husband and as a father. Sydney didn’t always need his protection, especially when they were up against the bad guys, but when it came to their family, he was supposed to take care of her and their kids. She wasn’t supposed to bear the burden of Nadia’s bad behaviour all by herself, and most of the time, she did. Maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault, but he couldn’t help feeling culpable for allowing her to endure this alone.
Sydney slipped out of his arms and quietly left the attic, leaving him alone to clean up the mess of her tirade with Nadia’s baby toys and clothes. He tried not to cry himself, but it was hard to see all these things and not wonder where it all went wrong. Nadia had once been the centre of their lives. Before Sienna was even a thought in their minds, they had this one precious little girl, this unbelievable gift they were so thankful for. She had come at such a strange time in their lives, in the midst of so much darkness, and her birth itself had been the cause of great turmoil between them. But they found their way back to one another and found a whole new level of joy when they were finally reunited at home with their baby girl. It was so hard to believe that their lives were now being torn apart by that same beautiful child. She saved them from so much grief and misery, and now she was the source of it. As he surveyed the damage and picked up her tiny little clothes off the dusty attic floor, he had to wonder if she would ever really be his again.
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Dinner couldn’t begin to solve the problems, but it was exactly what Sydney needed. She needed to get away, out of the house, away from the girls she spent all of her time caring for to spend a few hours alone with her husband. For just those few quiet hours, they were Sydney and Vaughn again, and they made an unspoken agreement not to talk about the problems at home. They needed to escape, just for a little while, so they pretended nothing else existed.
When they got home, Vaughn offered to go get Sienna ready for bed so she could go relax outside on the porch. He promised to join her soon, so she kissed Sienna goodnight and then wandered out to the back porch and sat down on the swing Vaughn had put up shortly after they moved into the house over nine years ago. It squeaked now with her every move, but it calmed her now just as it had all those years ago. It was a beautiful night outside, a soft breeze blowing her hair around her face, and she felt a sense of dull acceptance finally beginning to set in and restoring some semblance of peace to her soul. This was how it had to be, and she had to survive, simple as that. Her husband and youngest daughter needed her, and they would somehow manage to carry on without Nadia. Every day would hurt, and she would never stop regretting her many failures with Nadia, but she was simply out of options. She had no choice but to pick up and move on with her life, no matter how much pain it caused her. As she looked out over the backyard where they once spent their lazy Saturdays, she felt a fresh wave of bitter tears assailing her eyes. Tears of regret, of sorrow, of nostalgia for days that would never come again. Her baby girl had grown up and become someone she didn’t recognise anymore, someone that didn’t need or want her. In a sense, that carefree little girl that once played on these swings had died, and the life that bloomed beside her died as well. Soon they would have to pack their belongings and leave this house, the house she and Vaughn had chosen before Nadia and Sienna were even thoughts in their minds. She would say goodbye to the life she had known and pray for better days in their new life in Oregon.
She would miss this city. Sometimes she hated Los Angeles, hated the environment, the traffic, the constant hustle and bustle. But it was also the place she called home for so long, the place where she met her husband and started a life with him. It was the place she met her best friends in the world, and the place where she lost them. It held so many precious - and painful - memories, and she dreamed for so long of just coming home. This house once represented everythign she wanted in life - normalcy, stability, peace. Though it no longer promised any of those things, she had never fully been able to let go. All those years of moving and being bounced from place to place took their toll, and she just wanted to be here. Her father would probably never consider leaving Los Angeles, and she wondered if Celia would, either. They had both lived here for so long. As much as they loved their family, it would be hard to cut all ties with this place and move somewhere new and unfamiliar. Moving to Oregon meant starting all over, yet again. They promised Sienna she never had to move again, and now they were breaking that promise, just as she was finally settling in.
But it had to be done. They had no choice. They made a mistake listening to Nadia when she was so confused and desperate, and now they had to pay the price and do what was right by their daughter, even if it meant hurting the other. Sienna could still get over it, and in time, she would. Nadia, on the other hand, was quickly slipping away, and they were out of time to help her. Now she could only pray their oldest would one day forgive them and realise every mistake they made, they made out of love for their girls. It was something every parent understood, and something no child ever really could.
“Mom?” a tiny voice suddenly asked.
She turned, surprised to see Nadia standing in the doorway, her sandy blonde hair loose and tumbling around her shoulders and her green eyes appearing slightly anxious and uncertain. It was a rare thing for Nadia to seek out her mother, and it broke Sydney’s heart once more that her daughter was actually afraid of coming to her. Where did I go wrong with you, Nadia? she asked herself. Why can’t you see how much I love you? “Hey Nady,” she greeted weakly instead, her voice a little hoarse from the tears even as she forced a smile to her face. Nadia was probably worried to confront her after their fight today, and she needed her to know she would always forgive her, no matter how horribly she acted. “Did you need something?”
Nadia just shook her head and stood rooted to her spot in the doorway. She was quiet for a moment, glancing down at the ground and the sky and everywhere she could to keep her eyes away from her mother’s. Finally, she dared to speak again. “Can I....can I come out?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, of course,” Sydney answered, trying to hide the bewilderment she felt.
Nadia slowly stepped out onto the porch, seemingly unsure of where she should go or what she should do. After a moment, she took a few steps closer, stopping just before she reached the swing and turning to look out over her backyard. “We used to play out here,” she said quietly. “When you and Dad weren’t working.”
Stamping out the confusion, Sydney just nodded in quiet confirmation. “Yeah, we did. You remember that?” she asked, somewhat surprised. So far, Nadia hadn’t said anything about her memories of this house, so she just assumed most of them had faded away.
“Some of it,” Nadia shrugged. “Not much.”
“You used to love it out here. You always wanted to come out here every free second we had, which thrilled your dad since he and Eric built that swingset.”
“He built it?” Nadia asked.
“Yeah,” she nodded, laughing a little as she remembered the ordeal that had been. “It took them a while. Your dad is good at a lot of things, but he’s not really much of a handyman.”
Nadia actually giggled a little at this, and it brought a smile to Sydney’s face. “I didn’t remember that he built it.”
“Yeah, he did. And then he was so nervous it was going to fall apart while you were on it. They must have tested it a hundred times,” she recalled. “But you loved it. You could entertain yourself for hours....longer if your dad and I were playing with you,” she explained, another wave of bittersweet sadness washing over her. She found herself fighting tears once more and raised a hand to wipe it away before Nadia saw. But she wasn’t fast enough, and her daughter turned just in time to see her wiping her eyes. A guilty look crossed Nadia’s face, and she glanced down at the ground again.
“Are you okay, Mom?” she asked uncertainly.
Sydney almost laughed at that, not sure what answer she could give. No, Sweetheart, I’m not okay. And I can’t be, not without you. That would be the honest answer, but as horrible as Nadia had been to her, she really didn’t want her to feel guilty. It wasn’t her fault, not really. She was too young to bear this burden, and she was too young to have any idea what to do with all the crazy emotions swirling around inside of her. “You don’t need to worry, Nadia,” she managed to answer.
Her daughter nodded, but to her surprise, a stray tear leaked down Nadia’s pale cheeks. If possible, Sydney was even more bewildered. It was the first time she had seen her daughter express anything even close to remorse, and now she was crying? “Mommy?” Nadia asked in a small voice.
“What’s wrong, Honey?” Sydney asked, frowning in concern and confusion.
Nadia looked up with doleful eyes filled with tears and then suddenly climbed into the swing and right into her mother’s lap. Sydney was almost too surprised to react, completely taken aback by her daughter’s sudden desire to be close to her when she had been so hateful and uncaring for months. Quickly recovering, she wrapped her arms tightly around Nadia, relishing in the closeness, if only for a moment. “I want you to be okay, Mommy,” Nadia whispered shakily.
“Oh Sweetheart,” she breathed, fighting with all her strength against the urge to just break down and sob. “Nadia, listen to me, Honey. You don’t need to worry about your dad and me. You don’t ever need to be worried about us. This is going to be hard for us,” she said honestly. “But we love you so much and we just want you to be happy. That’s what matters to us.”
“But I heard you, Mom,” Nadia protested. “I know I wasn’t supposed to,” she said quickly. “Dad told me to stay with Sienna, but I left her in her room and I came upstairs anyway,” she confessed tearfully. “And I heard what you said in the attic. I’m sorry, Mom. I know I should have stayed with Sienna like Dad told me to but-”
“Shh,” Sydney hushed her. “It’s okay. You’re not in trouble. But I was just upset, Sweetheart,” she tried to explain. “You don’t need to worry about that. I’m sorry if I scared you, but it’s okay.”
“I didn’t mean to make you cry, Mommy,” Nadia stated mournfully, tears rolling furiously down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s okay, Baby,” she murmured. “It’s okay. You just have to understand, this was never what your dad and I wanted to happen. The day I found out I was having a baby....it was one of the best days of my life,” she said honestly, trying hard to resist the urge to sob as she remembered hearing those words for the first time, realising that she and Vaughn were going to have a child together. “I was so excited, and so was your dad,” she continued. “We just couldn’t believe it, and all we wanted was to have you and each other and spend the rest of our lives taking care of you. You don’t even know how amazing it was to see you for the first time, to hold you and kiss you. We have loved you more than anything since before you were even born, and it’s so hard to think about not having you with us anymore.”
“Then why did you leave me?” Nadia asked miserably. “I don’t understand! You just left me! You promised to come home and you just left me!”
“I know, Nady, and it was the worst thing that ever happened to us. But you don’t know what these people are like and what they would have done if we didn’t send you somewhere you could be safe. Your little sister was kidnapped, Nadia. She was taken from her own bedroom while she was asleep. We just wanted to save you from that. We couldn’t save her, but we could protect you, so we did everything we could. I know you feel like we failed you, and maybe we did, Nady,” she admitted. “Maybe we should have done something more before any of this happened. Maybe we could have stopped it, but we didn’t know. We just....we didn’t know, Sweetheart. We tried everything we could, but the only thing that really mattered was making sure no one could hurt you. I am so sorry for what we did, but it was for you, Nady. It was to keep you safe. I’m just so sorry we hurt you so much. The last thing I ever wanted was to be separated from you.”
By the end of her speech, Nadia was sobbing helplessly and clinging to her mom like her last lifeline. Vaughn must have heard the commotion and came rushing out to see what was wrong, but Sydney held up her hand to stop him, knowing Nadia was incredibly vulnerable right now and any little thing could destroy whatever progress they just made. He looked like he wanted to protest, but he nodded and turned away, leaving them alone together on the porch. For a few minutes, Sydney just let her daughter cry, cradling her close and rocking her back and forth as the breeze gently blew the swing. In that moment, all the sins of the past were erased, and they were just mother and daughter again. None of the angry words and the fighting mattered anymore; her little girl was here, in her arms, needing her once more.
“Nadia,” she whispered after a few minutes. “Do you know why we named you that? Do you know why your dad and I picked that name for you?” she asked, not waiting for an answer before continuing. “Because it means hope. That’s what you were for us. Our hope. Some horrible things happened before you were born, and we went through a really rough time, and then suddenly, there you were. And you were early....ten weeks early. You just couldn’t wait to get out in the world and amaze everybody, and every time we looked at you, we knew everything was going to be okay. And you know what? That’s still true,” she said honestly. “I look at you, and even though everything is so wrong right now and so mixed up, I know that we’re all going to get through it because you are beautiful and amazing and everything your dad and I ever wanted.”
“Mommy,” Nadia wailed, trying to get even closer as she sobbed into her shirt.
“Shh,” Sydney soothed, rubbing her daughter’s back and trying to calm her down. “It’s okay, Sweetheart. I promise you, everything is going to be okay.”
And for once, she actually believed that.